How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 4.6 – Defining What’s Important

Welcome to Lesson #24 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

In the last lesson, you explored the fact that everybody changes. Part of life is adapting to these changes. The exciting part of change is that you know it’ll happen, you just don’t know how it’ll happen or in what areas.

In this lesson, you’ll explore what is most important to you. Some of these will be tangibles, such as how you spend your time together. Others are intangibles, such as respect.

Some Areas Of Exploration

Having come this far, you’ve gained insight into yourself and your partner. If the two of you have delayed having a heart to heart discussion about what’s important to you, now’s the time.

Here are examples of topics for discussion. Some topics may be important to one of you but not the other. If one isn’t important to either of you, then you’re all set in that area.

Important topics:

1. Is monogamy important to both of you? You may have an assumption regarding monogamy, but your partner might not.
   • Earlier you explored the expectations of friendship. You may have discussed monogamy at that time. If not, take time to discuss your expectations.
   • This is also a good time to discuss expectations about pornography. No? Yes? If yes, what are you both comfortable with?
2. Do you want to have children together? In the lesson on children, you explored challenges when you bring children into the relationship. Do you want to have children of your own?
   • Same gender couples need to explore whether adoption, surrogacy, or sperm bank donors are agreeable to you both. Women, of course, need to discuss if one will become pregnant.
   • Different gender couples may also explore the same issues as well as whether or not the female will become pregnant.
   • Religious beliefs may play a role. Be clear with each other on the various questions that can arise.
3. Do you have expectations regarding visiting with extended family? Some people are very close to their extended family and others are not.
   • Discuss your relationships with your family. Do you want to visit them often, just once in a while, or stay as far away as possible?
   • Often, one partner ends up buying gifts, cards, and staying in contact with both extended families. Be clear with each other about who has what responsibility.
4. If not married, do you intend to get married? It’s very painful when one of you thinks you’re headed to marriage and the other has no intention of doing so.
   • Some people want to get married for religious reasons, others for social reasons, and still others for legal reasons.
   • If marriage is important to one and not the other, you may need to reevaluate your relationship.
5. List other areas of discussion important to one or both of you.

As you discuss the important expectations in your life, put them in writing. Time can change your memory of what was said. There are healthy couples who have a conversation about their lives together on their anniversary.

What Happens When Expectations Are Violated

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