How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 3.4 – When Games Aren’t Fun

Welcome to Lesson #16 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

Communication is about being honest with each other. It’s also about the intimacy of revealing yourself to each other.

When you share honestly and deeply, you will achieve an intimacy which binds you to each other in ways you didn’t know was possible.

Now that you know how to communicate with each other in a way which clears confusion, it’s time to look at relationship games people play with each other. These games block intimacy and distract you from the truth of how you feel.

For a truly powerful and intimate relationship, you want to eliminate these games if they’re in your relationship. If you see them in other relationships, identify them and be thankful you don’t have them.

The Blame Game

Do you know the difference between a failure and a mistake? A mistake is something you learn from and rectify by doing things differently in the future. A failure can be the same action as a mistake, but you refuse to take responsibility and, therefore, don’t learn.

It’s tough to accept personal responsibility for your own difficulties and mistakes:

1. Facing your feelings can hurt. Your feelings may range from shame to anger to powerlessness.
   • Although your feelings are real, your perception of what caused them may not be real. Is it a failure or simply a mistake to learn from?
2. Realizing you missed the perfect timing results in regret – regret that your action or inaction sabotaged the ideal job, writing the book you always wanted, or kept you from finishing school.
   • Once you realize what you did, set a new goal and begin again, knowing that you can overcome the past.

A quick way to recognize the blame game is when an excuse begins with, “If it weren’t for you…“, such as:

1. “If it weren’t for you, I’d have a fulfilling job.“
2. “If it weren’t for you, I’d have my degree.“

There are times someone or something else is to blame. “If it wasn’t for being laid off, we would have paid our mortgage.” Blaming someone puts you in a place of powerlessness. Now go deep within, access your personal power, and begin again.

Yes, But…

A description of this game is, “I’m going to show you that I’m right and there really isn’t a solution.“

There are three actors in this game:

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