How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 3.3 – What’s The Real Reason For Your Anger?

Welcome to Lesson #15 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

In the discussion on anger, you learned that other feelings are often under the anger. Keeping feelings hidden takes energy away from the energy needed to have an intimate, passionate, and amazing relationship.

In this lesson, you’ll discover ways to unearth what’s at the root of your anger and what you can do about it.

You Only Thought You Left Home

You absorbed the beliefs and family patterns you unknowingly brought to your relationships:

1. Who did what jobs? People have a tendency to expect the woman to do what their mom did and the man to do what their father did.
   • It doesn’t matter if one of the parents was absent. Adult children form expectations of their partners based upon their parents.
   • If you and your partner are the same gender, you still carry expectations of the relationship based upon what happened in your family.
2. What were the family customs and traditions? People bring the familiarity of their traditions with them.
   • Your new family, you and your partner, want to establish new traditions. You may each want to bring some “old” traditions with you.
3. Each partner also brings with them negative or unhealthy beliefs and behaviour patterns.
   • This may mean having unreasonable expectations. You can’t expect your partner to relate to you in the way one or both of your parents did.
   • When a parental behaviour pattern caused pain when you were a child, if your partner exhibits that pattern, the pain could surface. This leads to misinterpretations of what your partner said or did.

The average family had good times and not so good times. Be aware that both left an imprint upon you which can be triggered by something your partner says or does. The key is to become aware of what triggers you.

And You Thought That Relationship Was Over

Just as you carry imprints from your family, you carry imprints from past relationships. When a past partner exhibited the worst aspect of one of your parents, the imprint deepened.

If one parent abandoned the family, and your past partner abandoned you, you could form an expectation of abandonment. This can result in misinterpreting things your partner may want, such as a night out alone with friends.

Tools And Techniques For Awareness

Discovering the source of emotional reactions requires a willingness to discover things hidden within you. Back to the Johari Window, you’d be enlarging the blocks which are currently hidden from you.

Some of what you discover could be painful but know that you can release that pain which was festering. Once you’re aware of what is happening, you can make decisions on how to respond rather than reacting out of pain.

Discovery Exercises

Some people prefer to do this type of self-discovery alone.

For these exercises, the old-fashioned way is best. You need paper and something to write with. The reason not to use a computer is because your brain responds differently when your hand moves upon the paper. Something happens that unlocks your subconscious mind more easily.

Please write your answers:

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