How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 2.6 – Words That Destroy, Words That Build

Welcome to Lesson #12 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

Congratulations! You’ve made it to the last lesson in the communication module. You’ve learned a great deal about communication patterns and styles. In the last lesson, you learned how to ensure that you and your partner understand each other through Reflective Listening.

In this final communication lesson, you’ll learn about words and phrases that can increase conflict and the wonderful words which can assist in communicating with each other.

The Nature Of Disagreements

People disagree because they’re different people. It’s normal, no matter how good your relationship, to have differences of opinion. The key is to speak and act in such a way that you can sort out the disagreement in a way that is mutually beneficial to both of you.

There’s no need to be concerned that you don’t agree all the time. Just learn and practise how to keep any communication challenges to a minimum.

Substitute Words That Separate With Words That Unite

You’re partners. You hurt when things come up which separate you. You want to feel comfortable with each other. You want to enjoy each other. You also want to resolve challenges in your relationship peacefully and happily.

Words Have Power To Create Or Destroy

Use these techniques when talking with each other:

1. Avoid the word “you” when you’re angry. It usually comes off as blaming your partner.
   • “You forgot my birthday” is like pointing your finger in their face and blaming. Your partner is on the defensive and the disagreement escalates.
   • Express your feelings beginning the sentence with “I.” “I felt hurt when you didn’t celebrate my birthday.” Expressing your feelings makes it about you, not your partner. You’re accepting responsibility for your part when you use “I“.
2. Avoid absolutes, such “never” and “always“. When you use such words, your partner may respond as if attacked.
   • When you say, “You always leave your shoes in the hallway“, your partner will point out the times they put them in the closet. This separates you.
   • “You never take out the garbage” will elicit, “I took it out last week“.
3. “Should” is a word to avoid. Telling someone they should do something implies they are guilty of not doing something.
   • Who says they should? Was it God, your mother, the government?
   • Rephrase your statement to: “I would appreciate it if you would…” You’re accepting responsibility of your preference.

Remember Reflective listening. When you sit down with the intention of understanding each other, you’ll both begin with “I” sentences to express your feelings.

Phrases That Separate And Phrases That Build

Imagine your partner saying with a sarcastic tone, “Well, what’s the matter with you?” That’s an aggressive statement and tone of voice. It automatically forms a wedge between the two of you.

When someone asks a question in a sarcastic manner, two things are revealed:

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