How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 2.5 – Getting It Right – Reflective Listening

Welcome to Lesson #11 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

Now that you’re aware of the four different styles of communicating (Passive, Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, and Assertive), it’s time to learn and practise how to communicate. You want to ensure your partner hears what you’re saying and that you’re communicating clearly.

Alan Greenspan, former Chairman of the Federal Reserve in the US for almost 20 years, said this about communication: “I know you think you understood what you thought I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.“

You’ll now learn how to avoid the Greenspan problem through a process called Reflective Listening.

The Pain Of Being Misunderstood

You’re in a hurry, your sweetheart texts you and says, “I got off early. Let’s go to The Frog at 6:00.” You text back, “Have meeting. See you later.“

Your partner interprets your text as, “I’m busy. Can’t make it,” and grabs some take-out for both of you to eat together. The problem is that you arrive at The Frog at 6:30 ready to eat. You meant you’d be late, and they thought you couldn’t make it.

Another miscommunication: Your partner is upset about your conversation about having children. You always wanted children and he said, “No.” A couple of days says later, he says, “Why are you moping around?” You begin crying about him not wanting children. He’s confused. “I want children, just not now.“

The Source Of Miscommunication

The first three lessons of this module discussed different communication styles. When you combine that with being in a hurry or addressing an emotional situation, misunderstandings can cause hurt feelings and challenges in relationships.

When speaking to each other, and especially about emotionally sensitive issues, you want to create the best environment for understanding.

Use these strategies:

1. Talk in person if at all possible. Remember that 80% of communication is nonverbal. When on the phone, you do hear the tone of voice, but you don’t see the facial expressions.
   • If you can’t be in the same room, use tools which allow you to see each other while you talk.
2. Be as calm as possible. When you’re upset and overly emotional, your emotions interfere with understanding what your partner is saying.
   • A quick way to calm yourself is to take three deep breaths while focusing on the center of your chest. Imagine your feet growing roots.
3. Remember that you love and care for each other. You may both be hurt but remind yourself that you are important to each other.
   • Also, remind yourself that you can sort this out and have a stronger relationship.
4. Remind yourself that you want to understand. Your inner attitude of openness to your partner is crucial.
   • If you find it helpful, say to yourself, “I want to understand what they mean and how they feel.“

Reflective Listening

After you’re both in a peaceful place, have reminded yourselves that the person you love is across from you, and are ready to understand, you begin.

The process is deceptively simple:

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