How To Keep The Spark Alive – Lesson 1.4 – Keeping Challenges To A Minimum

Welcome to Lesson #4 of the How To Keep The Spark Alive course!

In the last lesson you explored the common difficulties many couples have when they begin to live with each other. You’re merging two households as well as two different ways of living.

In this lesson you’ll explore how to keep challenges to a minimum. Most of what you’ll learn is what you can do individually. The challenge for many people is that this involves how you handle your inner life, the life of thoughts and feelings.

A Story About Elephants

Do you know the story of three blind men exploring an elephant for the first time? Since they’re blind, they come to know the elephant by touch.

The first one is touching his trunk and declares, “Elephants are long and thin and move a lot.”

The second one, at the back, says, “No, elephants are massive. Ugh, and they dump smelly stuff on you.”

The third guy, touching the tusks says, “You’re both wrong. An elephant is smooth and hard and has a sharp point at the end.”

It’s All About Perspective

The biggest disagreements between couples are a matter of perspective. It’s how each is viewing the same issue, but differently. You could say one is at the tusk of the elephant and the other at the back end getting dumped on.

It’s important to realize each of you have moved in together with certain expectations. The surprise comes when you realize that your expectations may be totally opposite to those of your partner.

When you begin wondering if your partner is intentionally misunderstanding you, remember that you could be examining different parts of the elephant.

Your past experiences and personal preferences determine how you view a situation.

Let’s look at some of these:

1. Family Patterns. Generally, what was important to the family, whether you liked it or not, is going to have an impact upon how you perceive things. The same is true for your partner.
   • One person may be from a family where family meals at the table were important, even if they’re take-out. Another family may have eaten in front of the television.
   • One person comes from a family in which you share every part of your day and the other from a family where you came home, changed clothes, and sat in front of the television the rest of the evening.
2. Family Values. There is nobody set of family values every family adheres to. People value different things.
   • Some families value sharing what they have with others outside of the family, while others believe the best should be saved for “blood kin” only.
   • You may come from a family where you look your best whenever you step outside the house, and your partner may come from a family in which how you looked wasn’t important. It was only about comfort.
   • Your values are based upon beliefs. Your beliefs determine how you act and respond to situations. If you and your partner have opposing beliefs, you’ll likely have a challenge in that area.

It’s Not Personal

This may seem strange, but it’s very important. Most disagreements, no matter how difficult, are rarely about the couple. They’re about the individual. They’re about each person’s beliefs, values, and habits and how they feel when someone has different beliefs, values, and habits.

Sorry - The Rest Of This Article Is Only For Self Help Nirvana Members

JOIN FREE FOR 7 DAYS

Self Help Nirvana is an online community for everybody whose goal is personal improvement and development. Become a Self Help Nirvana member today and get access to everything here at SelfHelpNirvana.com!

Already a member? Sign in.