How To Give And Receive Compliments

Although the word “compliment” (not to be confused with “complement“) has several definitions, it’s this one that I’m going to be focusing on here: “an expression of esteem, respect, affection, or admiration.”

And while compliments are usually associated with something you say (e.g. “That was a great piece of work you did.”), they may sometimes be non-verbal, but I’ll come to that later.

So, let’s start with the…

Benefits Of Compliments

Some of these apply more to those giving the compliment, while others apply more to those receiving it:

1. Awareness. When you give a compliment, you frequently need to focus on the here and now (e.g. how does the person look, what are they wearing, how tasty is the food they made, the quality of the work they have just done), and this is all part of the mindfulness approach to life, which has, along with other meditation practices, its own unique set of benefits.
2. Balance. We all have our own perspective on how and who we are, but when you receive a compliment, it gives you another person’s view that can help provide you with a more balanced assessment of who you are and how you behave (and how that behaviour affects others).
3. Confidence. Giving a sincere compliment takes a degree of confidence and courage – it’s one thing to think something but it’s another to actually speak up and say it, especially if other people are present. Likewise, receiving compliments can obviously boost your self-confidence – after all, who doesn’t like to be praised for a job well done?
4. External Focus. When giving somebody else a compliment, it takes the focus off you and redirects it to another person, which, if only for a short while, prevents you from thinking about your own problems.
5. Gratitude. Often when you compliment somebody, it’s done as an expression of gratitude, and as you may be aware, a lot of research has been conducted recently into the practice of being grateful. (You can read more about this fascinating subject here.)
6. Karma. For those who believe in the concept of “what goes around comes around” (which is not what the original idea of karma really means), then complimenting somebody may be the start of a chain reaction, spreading positivity to who knows how many other people.
7. Kindness. Personally, I would rather be kind than unkind, and giving compliments definitely falls into the former category. (There are also benefits to kindness.)
8. Mental Health. This applies to both the giver and the receiver. The giver feels good about themselves for helping or being nice to another person, and since we all like to think we are good people, it validates our sense of who we are. And the receiver feels good too, of course, because somebody appreciates who you are or what you have done.
9. No Cost. Other than a few moments of your time (and perhaps a little brain power), giving a compliment costs you nothing, whereas the benefits, as I hope you can see, can be significant.
10. Trust. When one person compliments another, it helps to build trust and rapport between them – provided, as always, that the compliment is sincere.
11. Weight Loss. OK, this is a little tongue-in-cheek, but compliments often trigger smiling, and smiling may lead to laughter, and that burns calories. Not many, I’ll grant you, but as they say, every little bit helps.

So, How Do You Give Compliments?

While there is a natural tendency to compliment people on their beauty (or handsomeness), this is often not very effective, largely because those attributes are accidents of birth and not the results of anything they personally have achieved.

So here are a few tips and strategies to make sure your compliments are received in the way you intended:

1. Act quickly. Compliments usually have a greater impact when you deliver them promptly. For example, let your grandmother know immediately how much you like the sweater she sent you. By doing this, you’ll also be training yourself to speak up before doubts can set it in.
2. Be genuine. Authenticity matters more than anything, so look for the good qualities in others that you admire and want to recognize. If your intentions are honourable, people will usually welcome your sincerity.
3. Go public. Assemble a wider audience when appropriate. You could choose to use a staff meeting to thank the staff accountant who simplified the forms for timesheets and travel expenses. Or you could mention your spouse’s promotion the next time you get together for dinner with friends.
4. Gush a little. Feel free to go a bit overboard – but not too much. A lot of cooks will be happy to invite back the dinner guest who says your eggplant parmesan reminds them of Parma.
5. Pick something specific. It’s nice to tell somebody that they’re a valued employee or that their home looks lovely – but it’s even better to pinpoint exactly what you like about them. Rave about how they cut travel expenses by a third last quarter or how skillfully they sponge painted the walls in their bathroom.
6. Spread good news. You can also make use of compliments that you hear others making. Your best friend will probably be delighted if you pass along flattering remarks from your children who like her ghost stories.
7. Think creatively. A yoga instructor probably knows she’s flexible, but she may smile more broadly if you notice how she makes newcomers feel at home.
8. Write it down. Praise lasts longer when you put it in writing, so send letters or greeting cards, with emails and text messages being a second-tier option (because they are less personal). (Another option would be to record a short video – something that is easily done these days.)

And lastly, there’s the non-verbal compliment.

What does that look like?

Well, for many people, simply listening to what they are saying, without your being distracted by your surroundings, or, more likely, your smartphone, is actually a huge compliment because it demonstrates you respect them, their time, and their opinion.

What About Accepting Compliments?

Many people, depending on their personality and the culture they grew up in, amongst others, find it uncomfortable or embarrassing to receive compliments, which is a shame.

Here are few tactics you can use the next time somebody tells you how fabulous you are:

1. Assess your self-esteem. If you feel uncomfortable when somebody says something nice about you, you may need to examine the way you feel about yourself. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and respect. Surround yourself with people who inspire you to work towards your goals and support you along the way. (I talk about self-love here.)
2. Focus on the other person. Think about how your reaction affects the person who is being kind to you. Let them know that their compliment is a gift you treasure. Show them that their opinions matter to you.
3. Relax your body. You may have developed automatic physical reactions that are reinforcing your discomfort about receiving compliments. Make an effort to establish eye contact and smile instead of cringing and turning aside. You’ll immediately look and feel more happy and friendly.
4. Share your feelings. Respond by describing how a compliment enhances your day. Maybe you were feeling anxious about giving a presentation, but now you’re more confident. After all, at least one perceptive person pointed out how knowledgeable and funny you are.

Sample Compliments

Here is a list of 50 compliments to get your creativity going.

My goal here is not that you copy them word for word, but that you use these to help you come up with appropriate compliments of your own, using your own words.

1. Your generosity is admirable.
2. I envy your ability to be civil to everybody, including those I know you don’t like or respect.
3. I appreciate your playing the role of devil’s advocate and helping me make the best decision I can.
4. Suggesting you donate your toys to the local children’s hospital was a wonderful thing to do.
5. You’re the glue that holds this family together.
6. I appreciate that you always keep your promises.
7. I find your positive attitude to life inspiring.
8. I wish I had as much confidence as you.
9. You always do what you’ll say you’ll do, and on time too.
10. Life seems brighter whenever you’re around.
11. I love the confidence you project when you walk.
12. I would rather eat anything you cook than any meal at the fanciest restaurants.
13. You’re more fun than bubble wrap.
14. I am extremely grateful to count you as a friend, because…
15. The way you juggle work and home life is impressive.
16. If I had children, you would be my first choice for Godfather / Godmother.
17. Your handwriting is exquisite.
18. The way your eyes light up when you laugh is awesome!
19. I find your tenacity inspirational.
20. You are so resourceful, you’d be a natural on a show like Survivor.
21. I love your sense of humour.
22. I wouldn’t be where I am today without your guidance.
23. Insatiable curiosity is a quality I value highly – and you have it in spades.
24. You always make me feel so safe.
25. I cannot imagine having a better friend / husband / wife than you.
26. You’ve no idea how rare it is to find somebody who owns their mistakes like you do.
27. You make even the worst day enjoyable.
28. You’re like an umbrella on a rainy day.
29. You are my role model.
30. You have a real knack for telling me just what I need to hear.
31. I respect your ability to make decisions quickly.
32. You are the most gracious host / hostess I have ever met.
33. You’re so sweet, they should name a dessert after you.
34. You are such a great listener, and I truly appreciate that.
35. I love the way you so easily cut through all the bullshit.
36. You have more patience than anybody I know.
37. You have the most charming smile.
38. I value your discretion.
39. I’ve never seen anybody manage to get a group of people to work together so well.
40. I don’t know how you managed to make the time to do that for me when you are so busy. Thank you!
41. I am fascinated by how you turn adversity into opportunities.
42. My life is so much better for having you in it.
43. Your sense of style is so good you should consider becoming a designer.
44. Your children are a real credit to your parenting skills.
45. If anybody deserves to be made a saint, it’s you.
46. I wish I had your talent for saying the right thing at the right time.
47. I love the way you make your XXXX – it’s the tastiest version of it I’ve ever eaten.
48. I love the way you face all challenges so courageously.
49. The way you go for a run every morning, regardless of the weather, is motivational.
50. Your honesty is refreshing.

If you want more ideas, then a quick search will turn up tons of them.

Conclusion

I would be surprised if you cannot find somebody to give a compliment to at least once a day, and it’s worth it, both for you, and for the person you’re complimenting.