Break-Ups – The Reasons They Happen And 20 Tips For Moving On

With over two thirds of unmarried couples breaking up within the first year, and over 40% of marriages ending in divorce, it seems like break-ups are something most people are going to have to get used to.

I’ve talked elsewhere about one reason, in my opinion, being that you need to know yourself before you can choose the right partner, but generally speaking, the chances of finding “the one” first time round do seem slim.

This article will quickly look at the most common reasons for breaking up, and, more importantly, what you can do to ease the pain of trying to move on.

Why Relationships Fail

Research shows that the following are the most common reasons for break-ups:

• a desire for more autonomy
• a lack of fairness
• a lack of loyalty
• a lack of openness
• a lack of romance
• a lack of shared interests or character traits
• a lack of support
• a lack of time spent together

Notice how most of these are caused by at least one partner missing something?

And the loyalty one is huge – statistics indicate that at least a third to a half of marriages end because of infidelity.

It’s also one of the few problems that can cause an instant break-up – most of the others listed above are gradual, until one day, something happens that is the proverbial straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Reasons Why Breaking Up Is Hard

Recent research suggests a couple of key mechanisms that make break-ups difficult:

1. It turns out that the area of the brain that is activated when you suffer physical pain is the same area that is activated when you feel rejected.

   This means that the act of rejection (which is how a dumped partner feels) causes sensations that mimic the sort of pain you experience when you burn yourself, for example.

2. As I discuss in Lesson #1 of my How To Keep The Spark Alive course, love is essentially a chemical reaction in our brains involving dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylethylamine, and oxytocin.

   The one that’s especially relevant here is dopamine, which is the same neurotransmitter whose levels are increased by drug addiction. This affects the part of the brain that is responsible for reward-related learning (which is also what helps us learn basic survival activities, such as eating).

   What this means is that when you are constantly exposed to anything (or anybody) that gives you pleasure, your brain learns that it requires that thing (or person) for survival.

   So, just like when somebody addicted to drugs finds it hard to turn them down when they are on offer, so can somebody who has recently broken up feel a similar need when they see their ex (or even a photograph of them).

   And also like with drugs, withdrawal can be emotionally difficult and even physically painful.

In addition to the above, breaking up is a lot like grieving – you’ve lost somebody that you care about, or once cared about. And just as there are several stages to grief, there are also several stages to the aftermath of a break-up:

1. Denial.
2. Anger.
3. Bargaining.
4. Depression.
5. Acceptance.
6. Recovery.

How To Get Over A Break-Up

Here are a few strategies and tips to ease the pain of moving on:

1. Accept how you feel. Remember, it’s OK to feel sad or angry or upset, because it’s part of the process. And if you need to have a good cry, go for it. Bottling emotions and feelings up is rarely a good thing.
2. Avoid revenge. However badly you feel your ex treated you, taking revenge on them can easily turn out badly for you, and leave you with even more problems to deal with.
3. Be patient. As you saw from the six stages of break-up recovery listed above, it can be a slow process, so don’t rush it. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t engage socially, but be wary, of course, of the infamous rebound relationship.
4. Boost your natural opioids. Opioids are in the press a lot these days, thanks to the over-prescribing of these painkillers, But the body produces them naturally (e.g. after you burn yourself), including when you feel rejected. So, engage in activities that naturally boost your endorphins, such as cold showers, eating dark chocolate or chilli, exercise, increasing magnesium levels, soaking in a hot tub, or treating yourself to a massage.
5. Break contact. When you’re still trying to come to terms with the break-up, contact with the other person (e.g. via email, text, telephone) is only going to make it harder. There may come a time later on, once you’ve moved on, when you can see your ex again without it causing pain or longing, but until then, why do anything to make it more difficult than it already is?
6. Consider therapy. If you’ve tried everything and still find it hard to get over the relationship with your ex, you can also see a therapist, who may be able to help you understand what is going on, and therefore how best to move forward.
7. Create a playlist. Find some uplifting, energizing, motivational music (but don’t include “your song”, of course) and create a playlist of it, so you can listen to it when appropriate (e.g. walking, driving, doing housework).
8. Distract your brain. Anything that keeps your brain busy with something other than your break-up is good – reading a good book, learning something new, or doing something creative like art or writing.
9. Find a mentor. Just as with addiction recovery programmes, because love is a form of addiction as discussed above, then finding somebody who has been through a break-up themselves, and dealt with it, can be very helpful – they can give you advice, talk about what worked for them and what didn’t, and be your confidante.
10. Focus on the benefits of being single. There are pros and cons to everything, and relationships are no different. Even though you may want and expect to be in a long-term relationship again in the future, for now, think about and write down the many benefits of being single again (e.g. being able to watch the movies or sports you want, eating what you want, doing activities that the other person didn’t enjoy), and take advantage of them.
11. Keep away from social media. There are two reasons for this – firstly, you may see photos of or updates by your ex, which will cause you additional pain, and secondly, especially if you’re in the early stages of post-break-up grief, you may end up posting something you’ll later regret.
12. Look for a support group. This might be an actual group, close to you, or a virtual group on somewhere such as Facebook. Either way, sharing your feelings and experiences in a safe place can be very therapeutic (which is why these are so popular in addiction recovery situations).
13. Make some changes. These might be to your appearance (e.g. a new hair style or colour, or grow / trim a moustache or beard), to the type or colour of clothes you wear, to what you watch or listen to, to your house (e.g. move furniture around, change your curtains or bedding), and you might want to consider creating a new daily routine too (because when you’re in a relationship, your routine has to involve more than just you). The changes need only be small, but it can help you feel different and like a new you.
14. Remove reminders. The more reminders of your ex you have around you, the harder it will be to move on.
15. Reward yourself. Without resorting to substance abuse (e.g. alcohol and other drugs), now is the time to do something that you already know makes you feel better. This could be splurging on ice cream, binge-watching movies or shows you love, or even a good old bit of retail therapy (within your means, of course).
16. Take extreme care when considering getting back together. While there are cases of people getting back together after a break-up and making it work, remember that the break-up happened for a reason. However much you may miss your ex, you need to look very closely at the real reasons for why your relationship failed, and honestly assess whether those reasons are likely to recur. For example, if your partner cheated on you once, there is a good chance it will happen again – and you don’t want to go through this sort of pain any more times than you have to.
17. Talk to somebody. By this, I mean one person who is close to you and whom you really trust. This could be a family member or your BFF – anybody who will provide the support you need, when you need it. What you don’t want to do, yet, is explain and discuss your break-up to a whole bunch of people – not until you feel emotionally ready to do so.
18. Update your priorities. Whatever your priorities were going in to the failed relationship, they were either the wrong ones, or they were missing something. Now is a good time to work out what your new priorities should be, before you dive into the next relationship.
19. Visualization. Picturing a new, stronger you, living a happy and fulfilling life (without your ex) can be both motivating and recuperative.
20. Write about your break-up. I don’t necessarily mean you should post the whole story on Facebook or publish a book (although you can if you life). I’m talking about doing a brain dump of everything you feel about the relationship and the subsequent break-up – what was good about it, what was bad about it, how it made you feel, why you dumped the other person of why you think the other person dumped you, what lessons you can learn for next time. Having done something similar near the end of my first marriage, I can attest to how beneficial the act of just putting this down on paper can be. (And you can either write this in a journal by hand, which is generally preferable, or type it into a computer.)

Conclusion

If you are going through a break-up, then I feel for you.

And it doesn’t matter how the break-up happened – maybe you instigated it, or maybe it was your ex, or it might even have been a mutual decision.

Regardless, it will likely leave you feeling all sorts of emotions that can be difficult to handle (e.g. anger, sorrow, guilt, loneliness), and it will therefore take a while to resolve these.

Be patient, and try to follow the tips above, and remember you need to get back out there and start dating again – but only when the time is right.