Tips For Giving And Receiving Effective Apologies

Apologizing is rarely easy, as I’m sure most people know.

And there is, not surprisingly, a right way and a wrong way to apologize.

This article explains the correct way to make an apology, including many useful tips, and, perhaps equally as important, the best way to receive one.

What Is An Apology?

It seems like a simple question, but there are two components to it, according to Merriam-Webster: an apology is “an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret.”

Most people are familiar with the second part, which is often the “I’m sorry” element, but the first part is perhaps less well known.

This means that if you say you’re sorry (i.e. the expression of regret) but you still don’t think you’re to blame, then it’s not really an apology.

Maybe this is mere semantics, but if you think back to when you’ve heard empty “sorries’, you’ll recall that the so-called apology was not at all satisfying.

And, of course, you probably have heard the advice, usually given to men, that after an argument with their wife or girlfriend, they should apologize regardless of whether they were right or not, and I’ll come back to this one later on.

How Should You Apologize?

According to those who have studied the subject, there are seven key components to a true apology:

1. An unambiguous statement that says you’re sorry. This is not the time to use weasel words – you need to be crystal clear that you are, indeed, sorry.
2. An explanation of what went wrong – why you did or said what you did. Note that this is not the same as an excuse.
3. A component that demonstrates you understand your behaviour went against social norms.
4. Something that shows (again, unequivocally) you regret what happened.
5. A clear expression that you understand how what you did or said affected the person you’re apologizing to.
6. An offer that exhibits a willingness to try to repair the damage that you caused.
7. A request that the other person forgive you, maybe not immediately, but when that person feels the time is right.

There are a few crucial factors you also need to bear in mind:

1. You should never apologize until you’re ready to – i.e. you actually are sorry.
2. Apologizing too soon may, in some situations, come over as not being sincere. In addition, an apology offered too soon, while the other person is still angry or upset with you, will be less likely to be well-received or effective.
3. It is usually preferable to apologize in person, but if that’s not possible, a telephone call is your next best choice. Failing those, then you could consider a hand-written letter or card, an email, and lastly, a text message, in that order, if there really is no other choice, but be aware that text messages (and other forms of computer communications) are usually perceived as robotic, unemotional, dry, and less convincing.
4. Do not try to apologize somewhere in public – this is between you and the other person (or persons), and having other people within earshot will make the whole process more difficult for all concerned.
5. Allocate enough time. This should obviously include what you’re about to say, but don’t forget about the time they may need to respond and for the two of you to discuss the matter thoroughly. An apology that is interrupted midway only means you have to go through it all one more time.
6. Your apology should not directly or indirectly try to pin any blame on the other person.
7. It’s not important whether, technically, you were right – it’s about how you made somebody else feel.
8. Use the active voice, not the passive. For example, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings” rather than, “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt.” The latter comes over as trying to avoid taking responsibility.
9. Be as specific as possible, because this lets the other person know that you understand exactly what it was that you did wrong.
10. Don’t be defensive or use conditional or justifications statements. For example, including words such as “I’m sorry if I offended you” only shows that you don’t accept full responsibility for what happened.
11. Make sure your language is clear and not watered down. Remember, you’re owning up to something you did wrong, and your apology needs to indicate that you know that.
12. Avoid the “but” word. A former boss of mine had an accurate (but rude) saying: “Everything before the ‘but’ is bollocks.” When used like this, “but” becomes what is referred to as a “verbal eraser” – e.g. “I’m sorry but I was running late” shifts the focus from what came before the word, the apology, to what comes after it, the excuse.
13. Keep it as brief as possible in most situations, but be aware that sometimes, a longer apology may be required (e.g. because you need to give a full account of what happened).
14. Do not try to excuse your behaviour.
15. The apology is almost always intended to be about the person you’re apologizing to, not about you.
16. Where possible, tailor your apology to the person concerned. For example, if they’re an empathetic type of person, your apology should focus more on their feelings, whereas with somebody who is a pragmatist, your focus should be more on the solution and remedy.
17. Your plan on how to fix the problem can be either generic (e.g. “I’ll choose my words more carefully in future”) or specific (e.g. “I will take a present to your niece tomorrow afternoon“).
18. There may be occasions when it’s appropriate to omit the request for forgiveness, but remember that, whether you ask for it or not, it’s 100% up to the other person to decide what to do.
19. Watch out for your body language too. For example, “closed’ gestures such as crossing your arms or rolling your eyes will send the opposite message to the one you intended with your words. And even people who are not well versed in body language will usually pick up on the fact that something seems to be inconsistent and therefore wrong with your apology.
20. And lastly, by all means write your apology down first, to make sure you are covering all the right bases and that your choice of words is the best possible.

Finally, in this section, here’s a short four-step formula that is the absolute minimum you should include in any apology:

1. I’m sorry that…
2. What I did (or said) was wrong because…
3. In future, I shall…
4. Please will you forgive me?

What About Apologizing When You’re Not To Blame?

As I said in the introduction, there are times when we are told to apologize no matter what.

The situation usually arises in relationships, and men are often advised to say sorry to their partner, even if what happened is not their fault.

This is definitely a special situation, and that’s because you have to weigh up whether winning one battle (i.e. the argument) is worth it in the longer term (i.e. it could put your entire relationship at risk).

But you also need to remember that, regardless of who started the argument, or who was right or wrong, it is almost inevitable that both your feelings will have been hurt.

So apologize for that, if nothing else – because you should be sorry that you hurt their feelings. After all, that person should be the most important person in the world to you.

How To Accept An Apology

Here are a few tips on how to respond when somebody offers their apology:

1. Listen to what the other person says, and the words they use and their phrasing, very carefully.
2. Make sure their body language, including eye contact, sends the same message as the words they use. A disconnect here may indicate their apology is not heartfelt.
3. Depending on how well you know the other person, you can choose to trust your gut. Maybe they did what they did deliberately, or maybe it was unintentional (even if they should perhaps have thought matters through more carefully). It is my belief that, if you’re in a committed relationship, then your going-in assumption should be that your partner did not mean to hurt you, but that doesn’t always mean an apology isn’t required.
4. Don’t feel pressured to accept their apology immediately. If you’re not ready yet, because you need more time to digest and accept what happened, then tell them so.
5. Be sincere if you accept their apology. In the same way that saying you’re sorry but not backing it up with the necessary actions is seen as insincere, so is accepting an apology if you don’t mean it, and it will likely come back to bite you in the backside.
6. Whether you accept their apology or not (or wish to postpone it), thank them for apologizing.
7. State clearly how and why what they did hurt you.
8. Don’t be ambiguous. Phrases like “It’s OK” do not make it clear whether you accept their apology or not. Instead, assuming you do accept it, “I understand” is a better way to respond.
9. Offering to spend time with the other person is one way to demonstrate that you mean what you say – i.e. that you forgive them.
10. Consider writing a letter (which you do not and maybe should not actually send), that describes your feelings about the entire situation – the original event, how it made you feel, and their apology. This is a type of therapeutic journalling, which I talk about in much more detail here.

Conclusion

I hope you find this article useful – I know I would have done many years ago.

Try to look on the positive side – some deliberate or inadvertent harm was caused by somebody’s actions or words, and the apology process is a way of learning, for both parties, to help ensure there is no recurrence.

And remember, sometimes the best apology is changed behaviour – if you say all the right words, but you keep on doing all the same things that caused the problem, then it’s clear that your apology was insincere.