The Day I Surprised Myself

2005 was a massive year for me – and one that taught me an important lesson:

1. I spent months off work because of chronic stress and depression.
2. I initiated divorce proceedings against my first wife after almost 24 years of marriage.
3. I resigned from my job after almost 20 years.
4. I moved to the USA.
5. I married my second wife.

Most of 2005 was spent talking to the lady who was to become my second wife – we talked via Skype for anywhere from 4 – 12 hours a day – and making arrangements for my move.

After truly getting to know each other, which is impossible to not do when you talk for that long, seven days a week, we made plans on how I would get there (there being the USA), how we would make money working from home, and what to do about the person she shared the house with the time (in a non-romantic way).

As the year went on, and I was still sharing the house with my first wife, although we saw each other as little as possible because the divorce was far from amicable, I began to pack up the belongings I wanted to take with me – books, clothes, computer software, and a bunch of other stuff I’d accumulated.

All in all, I filled 25 relatively small boxes, which didn’t seem much for somebody in their 40s – but leading a simpler, less materialistic life was one of the things I was trying to adopt.

In September, the divorce was finalized, and I handed in my resignation at work – I think I officially returned from sick leave for about one week.

And then, in mid-October, I made the final plans – I booked a ticket to the USA, saw a local car dealer who agreed to buy my vehicle from me (my first wife had a licence to drive, but she hated it, was not a good driver, and since she was not in a fit state to drive most of the time, I didn’t feel like leaving it for her), and asked a friend if he would take me to the airport on the chosen day. (Actually, I think he probably offered to take me.)

And at last, after almost ten months of planning and anticipation, the day for leaving finally arrived.

My first wife thought I was going on vacation for a few weeks, and I was not about to disillusion her after the hell she’d put me through for the previous ten years.

I put my two suitcases into the car, along with my laptop and a carry-on bag, and set off in the rain to the car dealer.

We processed the necessary paperwork, he gave me a cheque for the agreed amount (which my friend said he would deposit at the bank for me), and we set off in my friend’s car for the airport, a drive of about 75 miles or so.

And it was during that journey, when we were talking about this and that, when my friend, who had known about my situation for some months because I’d sought his advice, asked me a question that had never crossed my mind until that moment”

“Are you not nervous about moving to another country to be with a woman you haven’t actually met?”

Those may not have been the exact words – it was over 14 years ago now – but the gist is accurate.

All throughout 2005, I had never given a second thought to whether I was making the best or the worst decision of my life.

I was so anxious to get out of my domestic situation, which I could not see improving, that the enormity of those life-changing decisions was lost on me.

The job I had was one I could have really enjoyed after changing team to work for the best manager with the best (small) team I had ever had, but any pleasure I had obtained from work had already been sucked out of me by a previous boss and the situation that was forced upon me.

And it was a well-paying job. I even frequently felt pangs of impostor syndrome, when I wondered why they were paying me so much.

Going home was no solution either, because that was where my most serious problem lay.

The only saving grace (until I was put on sick leave) was that I could talk to my lady friend in the USA when I did get home.

So, yes, I had the mid-life crisis of all mid-life crises.

But like I said, none of it seemed huge at the time, and I never once questioned whether I was doing the right thing or not.

Now, though, that my friend asked me outright, I had to consider the question for the first time.

I spent a few moments considering much of what I have mentioned above, and my answer, on reflection, surprised me: “No.”

I didn’t really have any idea what my life would be like once I finally met my lady friend in a few days (as I was spending a couple of nights in Chicago on the way to where she lived).

I knew our money-making plans were not 100% guaranteed, but genuinely thought we had the skills and commitment between us to make something work. (And it took at least two years before we started what became the first of several profitable online businesses.)

I knew we had never actually met – and, in fact, I didn’t even know what she looked like until about one month before I left the UK – but I also knew that we were compatible, in terms of our principles, morals, ethics, what we liked, what we didn’t like, our thinking structures, and more, and that we had complementary skills in terms of what online businesses would demand.

And yet, I was on my way to as large a change in life as it’s probably possible to make.

My friend was somewhat surprised too, presumably because he could never have imagined himself making so many large decisions without some trace of nerves or regret.

And his response was a simple, “I’m pleased for you.”

It’s now 14 years later, and while my second wife died almost a year ago, I have not once regretted the choices I made in 2005 (not that I believe in having regrets as a general rule anyway).

Conclusion

So, what are the lessons from all of this?

Well, in many areas of my life, I would usually be described as a cautious type, not a risk-taker, and not one to make major decisions lightly.

But here’s the thing – I think. I don’t feel (and clearly didn’t at the time) that I was taking risks.

My situation was dire (dire enough to have been suicidal for a long time) with no hope of resolution, so the decisions I made (with my lady friend’s help and guidance) were more a case of salvation than anything else.

But they weren’t simply acts of desperation, to escape my situation, they were what seemed to me to be clear steps towards a second, better life (for both me and my lady friend).

And what about the lack of nerves?

Like I said, I had not felt anxious for one second during all of 2005 – well, not about the decisions I was making, even though living with my first wife during those divorce proceedings was stressful – which was strange, because I have always been a nervy type.

Any sort of nerves or stress or even the threat of conflict went straight to my stomach, and not in a good way.

So why did I not feel anxious about what I was doing – giving up on a 24-year marriage and a 20-year job, leaving behind my family (such as they were) and friends, for a new life in a new country with a lady I’d never met?

I can only assume that, deep down, something within me knew it was the right thing to do.

If I had stopped to consider, consciously, the magnitude of what I was doing, I might well have freaked out.

But my situation warranted a drastic solution, for my own health and sanity, and I think that overrode my natural inclination to be scared shitless about it all.

If there’s any generalized lesson to be learned from my experience, I think it’s this: whatever decisions you make in life, and however well thought-through they may or may not be, be confident in them.

If you made the right choice, then great!

And if not, learn from the experience and do something different next time.

Either way, in the long run, you’ve won.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Decision Making