20 Tips For Improving Your Communication Skills

Communication is something we do every single day (e.g. face-to-face, telephone, email, text, video calls, letters, postcards, memos, gestures, sign language, websites), and yet, according to one expert in this field, most people are bad at it.

This may be because communication skills are not taught at school (or, at least, they weren’t in my day), or because the people children imitate the most (e.g. their parents, family, teachers) are not great communicators themselves.

Either way, these skills can be learned, and should be, because in my experience, poor communication incurs significant costs, including, but not limited to:

• Failed relationships
• Loss of trust
• Wasted effort
• Wasted money
• Wasted time

It’s not helped by the fact that many people think a great communicator is somebody who can talk easily and at length, but that’s only a small part of it, and not even the most important part, because it’s not about quantity at all – the quality of what you communicate is much more relevant.

Before I start, let’s clarify what is meant by communication. Wikipedia defines it as “the act of conveying meanings from one entity or group to another through the use of mutually understood signs, symbols, and semiotic rules.”

And there’s the key – if you have a message to convey to somebody else, but they receive a different message with a different meaning to the one you intended, then your communication has failed.

So, what can you do to transform yourself into a better communicator?

Ask Questions

Far too many problems occur because of the assumptions we make and the ambiguous nature of language.

Asking a question to clarify what the person is saying is therefore a worthwhile use of your time and words – because one potential misunderstanding cleared up now, even if it takes a few minutes, is far better than having to fix the mess caused later because your understanding was different to what was intended.

Avoid Fillers

By “fillers”, I’m referring to the um’s and er’s that many people use in the middle of, or between, sentences.

For one thing, it can demonstrate a lack of confidence, and for another, it can indicate you are unsure of your facts and figures.

Body Language

While you don’t need to be an expert on this subject, it does help to remember a few basics:

1. Avoid distracting gestures. This might include wringing your hands, cracking your knuckles, or cleaning out your fingernails
2. Don’t fold your arms, because this “closed” posture is often taken to mean you’re not interested or open to discussion.
3. Maintain regular eye contact. One recommendation is to keep it for between two thirds and three quarters of the time. Any less and you may give off the impression that you’re not paying attention, and any more and it may start to feel a bit creepy.
4. Nod occasionally, to indicate you’re listening and agreeing with what’s being said.
5. Point your feet at the person talking. If they are directed elsewhere, it can be taken as a sign that you’d rather be somewhere else.

Choose Your Words Wisely

With language being so easy to misinterpret, and so many words having so many different meanings, and with all of the subtle nuances that exist, it’s crucial you say what you mean.

This is obviously less of a problem when doing a formal presentation, because you have the opportunity to script what you want to say in advance, but in casual conversation where it’s unplanned, you need to think about the words and phrasing you use.

Congruency

There is an oft-referenced study that was interpreted as only 7% of our message being conveyed by the words we say. The remaining 93% was split between body language (55%) and tone of voice (38%).

However, that study was specifically about how people perceive communications, and not the effectiveness of them, and has been misinterpreted for years.

Having said that, if one of those three parts of your communication does not match the other two, then the listener will perceive that something is wrong.

Empathy

Empathy is all about seeing things through other people’s eyes and understanding their point of view, and while some people seem to be naturals at this, it is something that can be learned.

By putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you can help to see where they are coming from, and why what they are saying is important to them.

Focus On The Goal

Unless your communication is idle chit-chat, most communications have a purpose.

In formal meetings at work, there should be, for example, an agenda that sets out what is to be discussed and what decisions are required.

In written communication, you are often asking somebody else to do something.

So, when deciding on what to say or write next, always try to ensure that your response moves you (and anybody else involved) toward that goal.

Give People Time To Respond

Some people are extremely quick thinkers and can take in a message and formulate a response almost immediately, while others, such as myself, need time to digest the information we receive and decide what our reply should be.

That’s often why some people, in meetings for example, appear quiet and shy and soft-spoken, because by the time they have constructed their response, they have “lost their turn” or the subject has changed.

In the case of the more deliberate thinkers, that pause while we think carefully about what’s been said is often a cue for another person to jump in and either continue talking, or butt in.

If you are talking to such a person, you should give them time to reply. You could even say, “Do you need a moment to consider that?”, or something similar.

And if you are that type of person, it’s OK to say something like, “Please give me a moment to think about that.”

Highlight Similarities

It appears to be human nature to gravitate toward and like people who are like us, or who like the same things.

By using similar language, or if you happen to share common interests, you will be perceived as being likable – and a good communicator.

Learn Some Good Ice-Breakers

Wandering up to a stranger and starting a conversation can be scary for many people, so having a stock of good (i.e. non-cheesy) ice-breakers is valuable.

I have an article on this subject, with 30 suggestions, here.

Let Them Talk

Almost half of what people say on any given day is about themselves – what they did, what thoughts they had, how they feel.

So if you let the other person talk about themselves, they will automatically conclude that you’re a good communicator.

And let’s face it, you will learn a lot more this way, since you already know all about yourself.

Listen

It is crucial that you listen to what is being said, and give it all of your attention, because the other person is trying to convey something to you that, to them at least, is important.

If you do not listen to what you are being told, then there is a good chance you will misunderstand the message.

But listening is not simply a case of your ears capturing the sounds that others make – you need to develop active listening skills, which makes you far more engaged in the conversation and better able to respond appropriately. (Active listening, from the perspective of being in a relationship, is something I address here, although many of the principles apply more broadly, of course. And I cover some of the communication issues in relationships in more depth in my How To Keep The Spark Alive course.)

Repeating What You Heard

Occasionally echoing back what you hear not only shows that you were paying attention and are interested, but is also a great way to ensure that you are understanding what they are saying.

Remove Distractions

If you are communicating with somebody else, it is incredibly rude to keep checking your phone or sending text messages.

You may think you can listen to what another person is saying while you engage in such activities, but it’s more than likely that you can’t.

Succinctness

As I touched on in the introduction, a good communicator uses only the words that are necessary to convey the message, as unambiguously as possible, and no more.

And using too many words is one reason why people start to tune you out – they get bored (or tired of repetition) and think about what they want to say next.

Summarization

At the end of your conversation, it is often helpful to summarize what you discussed and agreed, again, to help minimize the chances of a misunderstanding.

Talk Clearly

When speaking, try to be clear and articulate your words well.

The correct pace is important as well – too slowly and people will lose interest, while too fast and they may not be able to understand you.

Sometimes, though, slowing down a bit can be useful if you have a strong accent and are talking to people who are unused to it.

Tell Stories

Humans seem hard-wired to respond to stories – for most of human history, it was how knowledge was passed down from one generation to the next.

So, including stories in your communications can help engage your audience and keep them interested.

Needless to say, the stories should be relatively short and, crucially, relevant to the message.

There is an oft-referenced set of guidelines for telling stories, created by Pixar, that has been turned into the following slideshow:

Understand Your Audience

Every communication, particularly formal or business ones, are intended for a specific audience (which may comprise one or more people).

You therefore need to tailor your message to that audience.

Things to consider include:

• Country-specific terms. The joke is that England and the USA are two countries separated by a common language, but having lived in the USA myself for 14 years after being born and raised in the UK, I can confirm that the differences are much greater than you might imagine. Differences include spellings, pronunciations (including where the stress is placed), and meanings.
• Informality vs. formality. In most cases, you would use more formal language at work or when talking to your boss than you would at home.
• Jargon. Sometimes it is appropriate to use jargon (e.g. when talking to people in the same industry), and sometimes it’s not. Getting this wrong can make people feel alienated, and you increase the opportunity for misunderstanding.
• Language skills of your audience. For example, if you were talking to somebody in English, but that’s not their native language, you might want to choose simpler words and less complex sentence structures.
• Tone of voice. Your tone of voice should match your message. You would no more use a jovial tone of voice when announcing somebody’s death than you would use a serious one when telling jokes.
• Use of titles. Getting people’s title right, and knowing how to address them, can be important. Some people are very sensitive about this – their title, to them, can be a symbol of the years of effort they have put in to getting where they are today, so using the wrong one will come over as disrespectful.
• Word choice. As I mentioned above, there are often multiple words that have the same basic meaning – but with subtle differences, so choosing the correct one can be important. And don’t forget that, sometimes, not swearing can be as bad as swearing, depending on the situation.

Use The Other Person’s Name

It never hurts to use the name of the person you’re talking to when you’re conversing – but don’t do it to excess, of course, because that comes over as being insincere and weird and distracting.

The other benefit to doing this is that it helps you to remember their name, if or when you meet them in future.

Conclusion

A lot of the above is common sense – if and when you stop to think about it – and all of this can be learned.

But most of this can be summed up in two simple reminders:

1. It is the effect of your communication that matters, not the intent.
2. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

And although most of those tips are shown in the context of speaking to other people, many of them are applicable to all forms of communication.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Body Language
3. Just Listen
4. Online Empathy Course