18 Strategies For Improving Empathy Skills

Empathy is all about seeing and understanding another person’s perspective on the world, and it comes in three levels:

1. The ability to understand what others may be thinking and why they think and feel the way they do, which is known as cognitive empathy.
2. The ability to feel at least some of the emotions the other person does, because you understand why they feel the way they do, which is known as emotional empathy.
3. The ability to offer actual help because you understand their situation and what they are going through, which is known as compassionate empathy.

The problem is, we all see the world differently because we have different upbringings and different experiences, and when you combine this with humans’ natural instinct to be somewhat self-centred, it makes it difficult for many people to be empathetic.

The good news is that, while some people seem to be that way naturally, there are methods the rest of us can use to increase our empathy, and that’s what this article is all about.

Focus On Other People

By this, I mean when you are with others, give them your full attention, ignore (or put away) distractions (e.g. phones, and even your own thoughts), and really focus on them and what they are saying.

If you cannot do this, then it will be almost impossible to develop your empathy skills.

Practise Active Listening

This is a subject I’ve touched on in a number of other articles, but what it means, in essence, is using more than just your ears to hear and understand what somebody is saying to you.

For example, it involves:

• Asking probing questions to delve deeper into what they are saying, and why they are saying it.
• Clarifying points to demonstrate you understand them correctly.
• Not using the time they are talking to plan your next response.
• Paying attention to their body language and tone of voice, so you can get the whole picture.

Don’t Belittle Their Feelings

If you do this, you are basically telling them that how they feel is unimportant and/or that you don’t understand their situation, and that makes it less likely that they will open up further to you..

The problem is, you may not know you are doing it, which is why you need to pay attention to the words you use.

For example, when you tell another person that “it’s not as bad as all that”, your intentions might be to cheer them up, but the effect it can have may be the exact opposite.

So, try to imagine how you would feel or react if you were in the situation they are describing to you.

Also, if somebody has ever belittled your feelings, telling you, for example, that you were worrying over nothing, how did you react to that? Probably not positively, at a guess.

And lastly, let them know that you understand how they feel, and why they feel it, and that it’s OK to have such feelings. As they say, we cannot usually control how we feel – only how we respond to those feelings.

Remember They Are A Human Being Too

We all have our problems and challenges in life, and we all make mistakes, and those help shape who we are, of course.

But it’s easy to forget that other people are also experiencing problems and challenges, and are making mistakes, which may be similar to ours, or they may be radically different.

However, many of the battles that people are fighting are hidden, especially if you don’t know the person very well, but that does not mean they’re not present, in the background.

So, try to go beyond the words you hear and, even though you may not yet know what those challenges are, appreciate that their experiences may not be the same as yours so they may have a different perspective on life for perfectly valid reasons.

Stay Out Of It

By this, I mean that if somebody starts telling you what an awful day they’ve had at work, for example, let them tell their story.

This is not the time to get into a “who’s had the worst day” discussion.

Yes, even if you too have had a bad day, you need to let the other person vent and finish explaining what happened and why it was bad for them.

But even when they’ve finished, don’t forget to let them know you understand and appreciate how they feel – maybe even tell them you would feel the same way in a similar situation.

As I said in the introduction, humans are pretty self-centred a lot of the time, but that aspect of ourselves gets in the way of trying to empathize with others.

Don’t Interrupt

This sort of follows on from the previous section, but interrupting somebody, even if it’s to ask a question, can come across as trivializing their desires and needs – to me, and I’ve disliked being interrupted intensely for most of my 60 years, it says that the person interrupting thinks they are more important, which is not a good recipe for developing empathy.

Open Up

People can be naturally cautious about revealing their doubts and fears and mistakes, because it makes them feel vulnerable.

If somebody starts to reveal those things to you, you need to reciprocate, at least a bit. This might be one of your own fears or mistakes, or it might just be exposing how you feel (which can be just as scary or awkward for some people).

Others will only open up so far before they start to wonder whether you’re with them or against them, so revealing a “secret” of your own helps you show that you understand, that you too are far from perfect, and that you can be trusted with more of what they need to tell you.

Consider Your Responses

Before you respond to what they are saying, you need to think carefully about what you want to say first – if you leave your mouth to speak for you, you have no clue what might come out.

Some people may claim that the words “just slipped out”, but you should always be in control of what you say, because one wrong word can cause untold problems.

The other issue with replying immediately is that it gives the appearance that you have not considered their situation fully, and that you’re just responding on reflex. This can be dehumanizing.

So, pause to take a breath, weigh up what you want to say, take into account any of your own biases or preferences that may affect your response, and then speak.

Differing Opinions Are OK

Many people cling to their beliefs and opinions as though their lives depended on it, but that does not mean, of course, that those beliefs and opinions are right.

It is therefore easy to dismiss opinions that do not agree with our own before we even stop to consider what they are saying.

Many issues (e.g. politics) are certainly not black and white, and it’s unlikely that either of you are 100% correct in what you believe.

This means that, even though the person you’re talking to may have a different opinion to yours, there could be valid aspects of their position you’ve never considered before.

And, of course, since empathy is all about seeing the world through other people’s eyes, it doesn’t really matter what your own opinion on a subject is.

So, try to put your own beliefs and opinions to one side for a moment, and really listen to what the other person is saying and try to understand where they are coming from, and why.

Look For Similarities

By identifying areas where you and the other person share the same interests, skills, knowledge, likes, dislikes, etc., you can get to know them better.

Also, since people are naturally drawn to people who are like themselves, it can help make people feel closer (and therefore more likely to open up and share other issues and thoughts).

Offer To Help

Sometimes, your understanding of another person’s circumstances may be the trigger for offering to help them.

And other times, actually doing something to help them may also help you to understand their situation better.

Either way, it’s a win-win, but remember to ask if and how you can help, rather than trying to force your idea of help on them.

Read Fiction

Studies have shown that people, even children, who read fiction rather than non-fiction are better at empathizing with others.

By becoming involved with the characters and the world that the author has created, you’re effectively experiencing life from their perspective, not your own. (This is why I prefer reading to watching a movie, because with a movie, you’re seeing somebody else’s interpretation of the story, rather than being able to use your own imagination.)

Watching movies or plays can also help, if you try to put yourself in the character’s place and imagine how you would feel.

My problem is that I find it incredibly difficult to watch shows or movies or plays and not be constantly reminded that they are simply actors playing parts, so becoming engaged to the necessary level is not really an option for me.

Go People-Watching

This is an activity I have loved since being in my teens – just sitting somewhere and watching the world go by, looking at the people, and wondering what they’re doing, where they are going, what they are thinking, what their background is.

As I may have mentioned in other articles, I do not venture out into the world any more, and haven’t since 2007, but I do find photos of people online sometimes and try to do the same exercise.

If you want to take it one step further, you could create your own story about that person – build up a biography, a back-story, etc.

In fact, you could even use the person and your interpretation of them to write a short story, making the person you’re watching one of the characters – which is actually something I have done on occasion.

All of this is, of course, supposition, unless you later get to know those you watch, but nonetheless, it does help you to try to see what walking in other people’s shoes might be like, even if your assessment is nothing like the truth.

Practise Mindfulness

Mindfulness is all about being aware of your immediate surroundings, but in a non-judgemental way.

By focusing on the world and people around you, you can remove yourself from the equation.

If you want to know more about mindfulness, you can download a short free report here (or if you’re already a member of this site, you’ll find a copy in the Members’ Library).

Question Everything

Life is made a lot easier for us, in most situations, by the assumptions we make, most of which are based on previous experience.

But sometimes, it’s useful to question those assumptions, because we may be holding a false belief.

And the other practice that can be useful is to look at objects (e.g. a loaf of bread) and think about everything that went into making it. For example, the farmer that grew the wheat (and any other ingredients), the people who milled that wheat and turned it into flour, the people who delivered that flour to the baker who made the loaf, and the person who served you at the bakery.

When you start to imagine all of those people, and what they had to do to get that product into your hands, you can appreciate how interconnected we all are, and how you are being helped by people you never even meet.

And then, think about what you do, and the people you might be helping because of what you do, even though you’ll never know who they are.

As I said above, we are all people with our own set of problems to deal with, and our own needs, and we rely on each other in ways we may never understand, but the fact that we stop to consider all of these questions is helpful in developing empathy.

Talk To Strangers

I know this will make many people (including me) incredibly uncomfortable, but striking up a real conversation (i.e. not talking about the weather) can also help you to become aware of others’ perspectives.

A side-benefit to this is the fact you will learn so much about subjects you are currently ignorant of.

Volunteer

Helping out at a local charity, and I mean actually spending some of your time rather than just your money (e.g. buying raffle tickeets), is another great way to see how other people live, rarely by choice.

It is estimated that 8 million Americans are only one payment away from being homeless, and it’s not because they don’t work hard or because they expect hand-outs. In addition, over one third of Americans say they could not afford a $1,000 emergency bill (e.g. car repairs, medical bills).

So when you realize how easy it can be to go from OK to not OK, you will understand, when you volunteer your time (e.g. at a local soup kitchen), that it could so easily be you in need one day.

Travel

By this, I don’t mean to the next town up the street, but to places where the cultures are very different from yours.

Starting in my 20s, for about 20 years, I travelled to many different countries in different continents (e.g. China, Egypt, Jordan, India, Kenya, Malaysia, Morocco, Singapore, Thailand, Tunisia, and the USA, as well as to various other countries in my native Europe), and the one thing that struck me was that people all over the world pretty much want the same things:

• Family, or, at least, somebody they can care for and love, and be cared for and loved by.
• A roof over their heads.
• Food on the table.
• Security.

These are the basic needs of most humans (and, to a degree, other animals), but when you see so many different people, with different cultures and traditions and religions, all going about their daily lives, you start to appreciate that in spite of how some nationalities are demonized in the media, they really aren’t that different after all.

And personally speaking, that has helped me to be more tolerant of others as I travelled the world.

I do get, though, that this is not an option that is available to everybody – international travel can be expensive (in terms of money and time, where vacation days are limited), but if you have the opportunity to travel somewhere different, I would jump at the chance as soon as you can.

Just remember to take an open mind with you though. 🙂

I say this because I’ve met people who were going around the world like they were checking off countries on a list, but their minds, based on what they talked about, had apparently not been opened up on iota.

Conclusion

While I’m not one to have regrets, I cannot deny that this information would have been useful 40+ years ago. (But there again, if it had been and I’d followed the advice, how would that have affected my life? Maybe it would have been better, but it may also have been worse – which is why I don’t believe in having regrets.)

It seems to me that one of the biggest problems in the world today (in countries such as the USA, at least), is lack of connection.

Even though many people live in massive cities, they are surrounded by strangers they do not know, living life at too fast a pace, always busy, and rarely having time to stop and think and talk.

Even social media, which “connects” billions of people, is not the same. While it’s true we can develop friendships and care about relative strangers, it’s difficult to really develop empathy through brief glimpses into others’ lives, via short posts on Facebook or a few hundred characters at a time on Twitter.

Humans evolved as a social species, in smallish groups of no more than 200 people, looking after and caring for each other, but those days are long gone, for the most part, at least.

People everywhere are crying out for help, and whether you hear them or not, the needs are still there, and developing empathy for your fellow humans (and other animals) is one way to reconnect and realize that we are all here together.

If this sounds a bit hippie and new-agey, I don’t apologize for that. It’s taken me decades to reach my current point of understanding, and the more I look at the world around me and how people behave, the more I think the future of the human race will depend on people helping each other.

And while the outright greed of a smallish group of the so-called super-elite is hurting everyday folks, I still see the good in most of humanity who just want to live (not merely exist), pursue happiness, and share the planet with each other peacefully.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Using Mindfulness To Enhance Your Life
3. Manwatching & Peoplewatching by Desmond Morris