15 Ways To Deliberately Or Inadvertently Kill A Conversation

You’ll find plenty of articles around about how to start a conversation (e.g. with strangers), but if you’ve ever been talking to somebody and the conversation appeared to stop dead in its tracks, then one of you may have inadvertently (or deliberately) killed it.

This article reveals a few conversation killers that you should try to avoid. (If you want to terminate a conversation by choice, then there are ways to do this without deliberately employing any of the following tactics, which can leave a sour taste in the other person’s mouth).

Note that some of the following apply more to face-to-face conversations (including telephone calls) while others apply more to online interactions (e.g. text message conversations).

Body Language

If you’re talking to somebody and you notice they are angling their body (or even just their feet) away from you, maybe towards other people they’d rather be talking to or towards the door, then it’s a good sign they want to stop talking to you.

Of course, it’s possible that they are simply shuffling around to become more comfortable. (For people with Sensory Processing Disorder, such as myself, staying in one position for too long can become uncomfortable and even painful very quickly.)

Regardless of your reason for doing this, the other person may take it as a hint that your conversation is over, even if that was not your intention.

Brown Nosing

Many people find it difficult to receive praise or compliments of any kind, so if you go on and on about what they’ve done, you’re going to look like you’re flattering them for personal gain and they’re going to feel uncomfortable and probably end the conversation.

BS

Some people like others to think they know everything, and when they find they don’t (which can be often), they make something up instead.

After a (short) while, others will quickly become bored and annoyed by this, and will wander off to talk to somebody else.

There is nothing wrong in admitting you don’t know something (unless, of course, you really should know that because it’s part of the basic requirements of your job).

Egomania

It’s normal to relate stories about yourself and your accomplishments during a conversation, provided they are relevant and spontaneous.

But if somebody starts asking questions (e.g. “Have you been scuba diving?”) that are solely a means for them to talk about themselves (e.g. “When I was diving in the Caribbean…”), then people are going to be switched off.

Having An Ulterior Motive

A natural conversation ebbs and flows and may meander around various loosely interconnected or tangential topics, but when somebody detects that you’re trying to lead them somewhere (e.g. towards a sale pitch for some product or “business opportunity”, or a favour), it’s going to be a big turn-off.

“K”

While many may perceive this as an unnecessary abbreviation for OK (you saved one whole letter, wow!), it has come to take on a whole new, deeper meaning – that the conversation is over.

In radio communication terms, it’s the text equivalent of saying “out” (not “over and out”, as you so often hear in the movies – “over” signals you’ve finished talking for now but expect a response, while “out” means the conversation is completed).

So if you think you’re just saying “OK” but being cute or trendy by using the single letter “K”, and the conversation ends abruptly, this may be why.

“I’ll Let You Go”

This one also has two interpretations – either you’re being considerate of their time, or, and this is the killer version, it can mean that you don’t think the other person has anything interesting or valuable to say and that you want to end the conversation.

Interrupting

This is a big one for me, but if somebody is always interrupting me, then I really don’t want to be in a conversation with them.

I find it rude (unless there is a genuine emergency taking place you’re not aware of), and it sends a signal that the other person does not think what you’re saying is important.

Never Pausing For Breath

If you keep on talking, whether it’s relevant or not, and never pause for breath or allow others to chime in, then your monologue is going to make those you’re talking to feel like they are a passive audience rather than active participants – which means there’s no reason for them to remain.

Offering Advice That Wasn’t Requested

I’m sure you’ve all been in a conversation, talking about a problem you’re having, and somebody tells you what you need to do.

It’s almost never received positively, to the point where even if the advice seems sound, you don’t want to do it just because of the way the other person presented it.

Advice should only be given if it’s asked for, and if you must offer some, at least ask whether they have heard about or tried it before launching into a long spiel about it.

And if it’s something you have personal experience of (e.g. it worked for you rather than something you vaguely remember reading about), so much the better.

This can be especially annoying for those suffering from chronic health problems (e.g. fibromyalgia), because people will come up to them and give their advice about how to treat it, somehow thinking that the person suffering has never thought to try that out for themselves. Chronic sufferers are always looking for solutions to their problems, and while your intentions are probably good, it also demonstrates that you don’t really understand what they’re going through.

Rambling

People will get bored with long and drawn-out stories, so if you’re telling an anecdote, try to keep it short and make sure it’s actually relevant to what you’re discussing.

Struggling To Keep The Conversation Going

If the other person perceives that you’re not truly listening to what you’re saying, they are likely to go and find somebody else to talk to.

And one way they can tell this is if you struggle to keep the conversation going.

If you were actively listening to what they were saying, you’d easily be able to ask pertinent questions that would stimulate further discussion.

The Like Response

When talking via Facebook Messenger, say, you can use the small Like icon as a response.

Sometimes, this may indeed mean that you like or agree with what the other person just said, but as with the K issue mentioned above, it can also be taken as an indicator that you’re killing the conversation.

It may not be what you meant, but if the other person doesn’t continue messaging, this may be the reason.

Using Your Phone

This should be an obvious one, but if you’re playing with your phone, checking messages or social media, etc. then that’s a pretty big sign that you’re not interested in conversation. It’s also rude, of course.

If you are expecting an urgent phone call or message, then tell the other person in advance, and then leave your phone on the table, for example, and do not pick it up or look at it unless it’s necessary.

Yawning

This is still not thoroughly understood, but some scientists say that yawning serves several physical needs, such as cooling your brain down, waking you up and helping you regain alertness, and the requirement for more oxygen.

However, yawning is also perceived as an almost universal sign of boredom, and if somebody else thinks (rightly or wrongly) that you’re bored with the conversation, then they’re going to try to end it.

Conclusion

The real secrets to keeping any conversation going are simple:

1. Active listening.
2. Asking pertinent questions.
3. Be really careful with your language (including body language), because words that sound similar can have subtle nuances that can alter how the other person receives them. Remember, what matters in communication is not your intention but how the other person interprets it.

And if you want or need to end a conversation, you could do any of the above, accepting that you may be seen as rude, or, preferably, you can simply be honest about, and say, for example, that you need to leave – and then make sure you do actually go. As long as you’re direct and honest, you shouldn’t have any problems.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Just Listen
2. The Art Of Small Talk