15 Tips For Giving Somebody Bad News

If you’ve never had to deliver bad news to somebody (e.g. family, friends, people at work) then you’ve been lucky – so far.

But you can pretty much guarantee that the day will come when you have to do just that – and it can be a scary task.

Even if you have had to give somebody bad news, you probably don’t relish the thought of doing it again.

This article offers a few tips on how to do it correctly.

Be Honest

While it hurts to receive bad news, it can cause even more problems later on if the person discovers that they were not told the truth, or all of the facts.

So, it’s important that you be open and honest with all of the relevant information – it’s not your place to judge what details somebody else can and cannot deal with.

Be Prepared

This includes knowing what you’re going to say, how you’re going to say it, having all of the supporting information and facts available, and, equally importantly, being ready for a variety of different reactions to what you’re about to say.

This includes trying to use the most appropriate words. English, especially, is a rich language with many different ways to say what is essentially the same thing, although many words that sound like they convey the same meaning actually have subtle nuances.

So while I believe that words are just labels we have agreed to attach to certain concepts, I’m also aware that some words are commonly perceived to be “good” or “bad”. (This is a concept I expand on in my article about swearing.)

This is why, for example, people tend to use euphemisms for dying, because they perceive that some synonyms (e.g. passing, crossing the rainbow bridge) are easier and/or less distressing to hear.

And finally, here, it’s OK and even advisable in some situations to practise what you’re going to say first. You can do this the old-fashioned way, in front of a mirror, or, preferably, using a video camera to record yourself so you can also look out for body language issues.)

Be Supportive

Make sure you openly state that you feel for the other person, or that you’re there to help – anything that shows them you are on their side (if this is the case, of course).

By displaying empathy (preferably real, not faked), you can mitigate the severity of their response.

Just remember not to overdo it, otherwise it will come over as insincere.

Do It In Private

In most cases, where you are giving a specific person bad news, you should not do this when others are around.

Most bad news tends to be somewhat personal (e.g. a friend or family member has died, their child has been in a fight at school, the work they turned in was below par), and it’s nobody else’s business except the person involved. If they want to tell somebody else about it later, that’s up to them.

Do You Have Enough Time?

You should not deliver bad news and then immediately rush off, nor should you give it to somebody who clearly needs to be somewhere else.

While it may only take a few seconds to tell somebody something, you need to be prepared for them asking questions, or requiring support of some sort. Leaving them hanging is only going to make them feel worse.

Does It Need To Be You?

In some situations you are probably the right person to break the bad news. For example, only a manager can tell one of his or her staff that their performance is unacceptable – this is not a task that can or should be delegated.

But in other situations, there may be somebody who is genuinely better suited to deliver the bad news. And, of course, you should not use this as an excuse to get out of having to perform this unpleasant task – you need to consider who should do it, and if it’s you, then bite the bullet and do what you need to do.

Don’t Beat Around The Bush

As difficult as it may be, it is usually (but not always) best to come straight out with whatever the bad news is – using direct, unambiguous terms.

This is especially true is what you have to say is factual – i.e. it’s not the result of anything you or they did.

There are situations when it’s advisable to ease in gently, in a process that is usually referred to as “buffering” – i.e. a few words that lets the other person know something they might not want to hear is coming.

Even so, you still need to keep this short and sweet – something like, “We need to talk” or “I’m afraid I have some bad news” is often sufficient.

In fact, over-buffering can make matters worse – they now knowing something bad is coming, but delaying it gives them time for their negative emotions and response to build up.

Don’t Delay

In an attempt to wait it out and see if the situation improves or even goes away, many people will hold off on delivering bad news, but this is almost always the wrong thing to do.

It is better to give the bad news as soon as is practically possible. For example, in many cases, the sooner somebody is aware of a problem or situation, the sooner they can start to do something about it.

Don’t Offer Advice Unless Asked

We humans are hard-wired to solve problems (as are most animals, for that matter), and when you’re delivering bad news, you may already be thinking about what can be done regarding the situation.

However, you should not offer those thoughts or potential solutions unless they ask you for them. Many times, people simply want to be heard, or given (alone) time to absorb the news they’ve just been given.

This means, for example, that their response may be silence, and while many people find that uncomfortable, you need to respect their needs – this is about them, not you.

Don’t Take It Personally

When you tell somebody something they don’t want to hear, there is a good chance their reaction will be unpleasant, and they may well try to take it out on you.

Remember the saying, “Don’t shoot the messenger”?

If this happens to you, they are probably venting their emotions (e.g. anger, frustration, shock) on you because you happen to be there and you are, of course, the messenger.

So, you need to stay calm and not take it personally, because in all likelihood, it’s not really meant for you at all.

And yes, I know this can be easier said than done, but if you respond in kind, you may end up in a place you don’t want to be.

Justification

Whether you’re at work or home, when you deliver bad news (e.g. “You’re not getting a bonus this year” or “You’re grounded”), it’s vital you explain why you are doing what you’re doing.

If you don’t tell the other person this, how will they know what they did wrong, and how can they ensure they don’t do it again?

No Jokes

In almost every situation where you have to deliver bad news, it is inappropriate to try to use humour.

I get that humour is a common defence mechanism – it’s certainly been mine for as long as I can remember – but making a joke about something that the other person is going to find difficult to hear is not the time to use this technique.

Humour is a very subjective affair, and you may not have any idea how they will react to your joke, however well intended it might be.

No Surprises

There are many occasions when the bad news can only ever be a surprise, but there are others when it shouldn’t.

For example, if somebody has just had a heart attack that nobody saw coming, then that’s a surprise.

But in an office context, you shouldn’t be hearing from your manager or supervisor about consistently poor performance for the first time at your annual review.

Tailor The Message To The Audience

Sometimes you have to give the same bad news to different people, and each of those people (or groups of people) have their own needs.

This means you should try to make sure the message is appropriate to the person (or people) you’re talking to.

Try To Include Something Positive

This is not always easy or even an option, but if you can temper the bad news with something good, then it can help the other person retain a better perspective.

Needless to say, this does not mean offering empty platitudes!

Conclusion

Remember, the above tips are guidelines, not hard and fast rules, because context is crucial.

And if nothing else, empathy and sincerity will go a long way – as does giving the bad news face to face.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Difficult Conversations