10 Reasons You Should Say No More Often

Does the following sound familiar to you?

Sarah had just turned 30 when she became engaged. At the same time as she was planning her wedding, she also took on two key projects at work and began volunteering at a new organization that started in her area, as well as helping her sister pack for a cross-country move.

Rather than say “no” to any of these commitments, Sarah kept saying, “yes”.

And as her wedding date came closer, she felt overwhelmed, stressed, and scared – she could barely manage her life now, and she couldn’t imagine adding another person to it.

A friend gently pointed out to Sarah that she had “overspent her yeses”. She explained, “Your ‘yes’ is how you spend your time, your energy, and your money – but you only have a limited number of yeses to give.”

Sarah gave her friend’s words some thought and decided she needed to step back and say “no” more often.

Along the way, she discovered some exciting benefits of embracing her “no”:

“No” Protects You From Burn-Out

When you say “yes” to everything else, you have to say “no” to your own needs and wants, and that means sometimes your priorities end up falling to the bottom.

If this happens continually, eventually you’ll start feeling resentful, grumpy, and tired.

“No” Earns Respect

People don’t respect a pushover they can bully. They might like a pushover, and they may enjoy getting you to do things for them (especially if these are their tasks to begin with) – but they don’t actually respect and admire you.

Yet a funny thing happens when you say “no” – you earn the respect of those around you. They recognize that you have your priorities and your values.

And that instantly makes them admire you, with the result being that they’re less likely to try to intimidate you or push you around.

“No” Lets You Focus On Your Values

When you say “no”, there’s space to focus on your value.

If you constantly agree to helping on twelve different committees, then you’re saying “no” to spending more time with your spouse.

Now if what you value is intimacy with your spouse, then you’re saying “no” to your values.

The problem with this is, it creates a situation that is upsetting and painful. It means that you’re not living out what you want, you’re not walking in your values, and as a result, you feel inauthentic and bitter.

“No” Creates Space For Others

It’s tempting to think that everything must be done by you – but in reality, you can’t handle every project and request that comes your way. When you try to do it all, you take opportunities from others.

Maybe a friend asks you to design her poster for her upcoming cafe opening. You’re tempted to say “yes”, but then you think about Amanda, who is getting started in graphic design and would absolutely love to do a project like this.

So, you can step in and say “yes”, and be stressed out and angry…

…or you can suggest Amanda instead and let Amanda stand in the spotlight.

Not only will you have less to do, but Amanda is going to be happier and your friend is going to be happier.

“No” Protects Your Energy

Women in today’s society are often encouraged to wear a “superhero” cape all the time – they’re expected to be everything to everybody and do it all with a smile and a good attitude.

But what you have to remember is that you have a limited flow of energy. This means that when you encounter things that will drain your energy, you need to stand up for yourself and firmly say, “I can’t do this.”

Perhaps you could recommend another person for this task or suggest an alternative. You could also simply say, “I’m sorry. This doesn’t sound like a great fit for me right now.”

Keep in mind that just because you overcommit does not mean you will magically gain the energy, the strength, the stamina, or the time you need to accomplish everything.

In the movies, it may be the case that jobs get done without any problems in less than the estimated time, just because the boss says so – but real life isn’t like that.

“No” Adds Margin Into Your Days

When you are constantly overcommitted, there is no margin in your life.

For example, if you plan back-to-back meetings all day, with no margin, then by the time you hit the end of the day, you’re hungry, you’re stressed out, and you’re feeling grumpy because you’re overworked.

But when you say “no”, you create that margin your mind and body desperately need.

When you don’t commit to every meeting or every project, you can show up and bring your best self, best energy, and best focus.

“No” Gives You Confidence

The reason so many people say “yes” is they want to be liked.

But when you realize you can live without the approval and validation of others, it’s entirely freeing. (This article goes into more detail about the issue.)

Suddenly, your whole world opens up. You don’t have to spend your evenings going to the book club if you hate the book club. You don’t have to take every call from your cousin who just wants to complain about her ex-husband again.

You no longer have to work for everyone’s approval. The moment that you realize this – the moment you realize that you can say “no” and still have people like you – you become liberated.

“No” Makes Room For Self-Care

It’s common, especially in western societies, for people, particularly women, to feel like they must always be busy and always be productive.

And that leaves you very little time or even no time for self-care most days.

But when you say “no” to what doesn’t matter, you’re making room for self-care.

Your self-care can look like anything you want it to. Maybe self-care for you is:

• spending one night a week at home to read a book in a bubble bath
• having time to take your kids out for a walk after dinner every night
• meditating in the back garden
• listening to music, undisturbed

As you say “no” more, embrace taking care of yourself, because when you’re a priority, amazing things start happening. For example:

• You show up to events and meetings feeling energized and excited to face the day.
• You greet challenges with enthusiasm.
• You trust yourself to find the best possible solution.

“No” Gives You Back Control

Without a firm “no”, you can feel like your life is spiraling out of control – you feel like everybody else is making decisions for you, like you’re busy working on everybody else’s priorities.

In short, you’re meeting all of their needs – and yet you don’t feel good about yourself.

Saying “no” gives you back that feeling of control. It reminds you that you are in the driver’s seat of your own life, and that you are picking and choosing what your priorities are and living according to your values.

“No” Makes Your “Yes” Precious

When you say “no” to the wrong things, you get to say “yes” to the right things – you get to say “yes” to:

• the things that excite you
• the projects that energize you
• the relationships that fulfill you
• the dreams and the goals that truly matter to you
• the values that reflect who you are as a person

Conclusion

At its core, saying “no” is about choosing what doesn’t matter and refusing to give it any more space in your life.

When you do this, you have the freedom to say “yes” to the things that truly matter to you!

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty