The Kuala Lumpur Incident And What Can Be Learned From It

My first wife and I were, with hindsight, very different in many ways, including the manner in which we used language.

We had several miscommunications over the years, as do most couples probably, but there was one that became a major, chronic issue.

We were on holiday in the far east – we’d visited Singapore and the Malaysian states of Borneo, and the last few nights of the vacation before flying home were spent in Kuala Lumpur.

It was on the second night we were there, as we were waiting to get ready to go for dinner, when a seemingly innocuous conversation began.

My wife started to talk about how much she loved being married, and how she thought it was getting better all the time.

This came out of the blue – we’d never discussed this before, and it was the first thing she’d said after an hour or two of watching a movie together on the television in our room.

My response, not word for word because that’s not how I remember conversations, was along the lines of, “I have always thought we had a great marriage.” (For example, we’d had maybe two or three arguments in over ten years, which I think is unusual.)

She suddenly went quiet, and headed to the bathroom to get freshened up ready to go and eat.

It seemed odd, but not overly so.

We went down to the hotel restaurant shortly afterward, and we ate our meal in near silence.

Again, this was unusual but not unheard of. After all, it’s said that the sign of true friendship is when you can sit in silence with each other, and not feel uncomfortable. (And we had been friends first and foremost, before falling in love.)

The remaining couple of days of the holiday passed without notice, and we returned home.

As far as I was concerned, that short conversation was over and done with.

But, of course, that wasn’t true for my wife.

Her entire attitude seemed to have changed.

It’s only fair to mention that her descent into substance abuse had really taken hold by then, so mood swings and being “out of it” were far from uncommon.

I cannot remember when the subject next came up, but I was shocked to find that her recollection of it was radically different to mine – diametrically opposed, in fact.

In my mind, I had made what I thought was a positive response to her statement, and certainly not one that should give any hint of dissatisfaction.

In her mind, she recalled that I had said I never enjoyed being married (or, again, words to that effect).

I could not, and still cannot to this day, fathom out how that was the meaning she extracted from what I’d said.

Naturally, I explained what I’d actually said, but she refused to accept her recollection could be wrong.

She brought that Kuala Lumpur incident up many times during the following ten years or so (until I divorced her and left the country), and every single time, it was like a tape recorder was playing – she repeated what she had heard, I repeated what I had actually said, and she repeated that she didn’t believe me.

The part I never got my head around was, after over ten years of marriage at that stage, how she could suspect for one second that I thought our marriage was a waste of time.

OK, about a dozen of so years later, I did divorce her after over five years of clinical depression and suicidal thoughts brought on by the verbal abuse I suffered as a result of her problems, but during the Kuala Lumpur vacation, I was nowhere near that point.

I don’t think I was depressed then, and I certainly wasn’t thinking about killing myself.

And ultimately, as I have written about elsewhere, I don’t believe in having regrets, which means I still don’t think those 24 years of marriage to her were a waste of time – everything is a learning experience, and we are all where we are today because of decisions we made and events that happened in our past.

My path led me to my second wife, Rae, to whom I was married for 14 years before she died suddenly and unexpected just before Christmas 2018.

And meeting her, online, and moving to be with her, have been the most satisfying and stress-free years of my life.

But back to the Kuala Lumpur incident.

I was left with various questions, including:

1. Was it alcohol that had caused her either to mishear or misremember what I said? This wouldn’t be the first or last time that being drunk would get in the way of clear communication, although as I recall it, she wasn’t actually that tipsy on the night in question.
2. Was it the baggage from her childhood that made her frequently see herself as the victim? Her upbringing was far from ideal (although that applies to many people, of course), but her worldview was gradually becoming one of “life isn’t fair” and “the world is out to get me”, so there were, in my opinion, unresolved issues that were still causing her problems.
3. Did I actually say what she remembered? This is, of course, the most worrying question, because I was (and still am) so convinced that I’d said what I thought I’d said. On top of that, I very much doubt I would have said something to deliberately hurt her – not then, at least, when divorce was definitely not on the table or even a thought in my head.

So, are there any lessons that others can learn from all of this?

Well, I think so:

1. If you hear (or think you hear) something said to you that you dislike or find rude or offensive or hurtful, talk about it immediately, but don’t bottle it up for years and let it eat away at you from the inside.

   For example, the first response should be to clarify whether what you heard is actually what was said. This way, you can head off issues that may arise later by fixing the problem now, before they have time to fester and before the passage of time dulls your memory.

2. Be careful with what you say – even one word can alter the whole meaning of a sentence – and the manner in which you say it.

   By this, I mean, choose the best words with the right nuances, use the right tone of voice, and make sure you enunciate the words clearly to minimize the chances of being misunderstood. And make sure your body language is congruent with the words you speak.

   As I said, I don’t believe that what I said was ambiguous or unclear, but it’s possible I could have said what I said more effectively. (Having said that, the overall tenor of my response was, to my mind, correct.)

3. Don’t take one or two sentences out of context – you need to think about all of the other conversations you’ve had with your partner.

   If what you think you just heard is significantly different to everything else that has been said in the past and sounds out of character, that make the chances of your having misheard things this time around more likely.

4. Practise active listening, which is something I’ve written about here.
5. Learn to be a better communicator – even if you think you already are, there is usually room for improvement. Again, I have an article with some tips here.

Some of these lessons apply more to the speaker, and some to the listener, but since conversations with your partner usually involve both of you, then they’re all relevant and important.

Conclusion

This anecdote is just one example of how mis-communication can get in the way of an otherwise healthy relationship.

It shows that you need to work on your relationship 24 x 7 – you can never let up if you want it to be successful and long-lasting.

And communication between couples is a subject I cover in more detail in Module 2 of my How To Keep The Spark Alive course.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Just Listen