Recognizing Toxic Family Members And Relationships, And Strategies For Coping

You’ve probably all heard the saying that blood is thicker than water, meaning that family is more important than friends (or anybody else), but is that really true?

Should you side with your family no matter what, regardless of how good or bad a person they are?

I don’t know about you, but if somebody in my immediate family murdered another person in cold blood, or committed rape, I would not stand by them and protect them from the consequences of their actions.

And while people joke about somebody being the “black sheep of the family”, there is often a darker side to it than that – some people, whether they are family members or not, are truly toxic to be around.

This article looks at ways you can tell whether you have a toxic family member in your midst (who may even be your partner), and what you can do about it.

How To Recognize Toxic Family Members

1. Absolutes. Toxic people will often use absolute terms such as “every” and “never” and “always”.
2. Abusive Behaviour. This can take the form or emotional abuse or physical abuse – toxic people would rather make others feel as bad as they do than try to fix their own problems, which is why they are often bullies.
3. Arrogance. Toxic people tend to be arrogant and love to be the centre of attention, talking to their “fan club” about all of their accomplishments (which may or may not be real, of course).
4. Bad Vibes. This one may not be as tangible as some of the other clues, but sometimes you can just sense that another person is not one you want to be around. When in their presence (or even when talking to them on the phone), you may feel any or all of the following: angry, drained, not yourself, numb, sad. Or the thought of having to go and see them makes you feel sick.
5. Control. If somebody is always trying to control everything you do, then they are going to end up causing you harm – usually mentally and emotionally. This can extend beyond just trying to control what you do – they may even manipulate how you feel about yourself.
6. Distraction. Rather than deal with the issues currently being discussed, they will bring up something from months or years ago to try to redirect the conversation.
7. Gaslighting. According to Wikipedia, this is “a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity.” This is clearly another tactic that toxic people use to control others.
8. Forcing Choice. Toxic people will often force you to choose between something else and them – even if the something else is an activity you’d had planned beforehand.
9. Ghosting. If you’re having a conversation with them (e.g. via email or text) and then they suddenly stop replying, then they’re ghosting you, leaving you wondering what it was you did or said that annoyed or upset them – when the truth is, you didn’t do anything, it’s just them trying to control and manipulate you.
10. Gossiping. They will often talk about you to other family members (and others) behind your back, and repeat information you gave them in confidence. And, of course, what they say may not even be true.
11. Inconsistency. Toxic people will apparently change their opinions and behaviours on an almost random basis, partly to keep you on your toes and feeling unsure of yourself, and partly because what they say and do depends to a large extent on their needs at that time.
12. Interrupting. If you find you are constantly being interrupted, then it’s possible the person is toxic, because when somebody else is talking, the attention is not on them.
13. Judgemental. Constantly judging others is another symptom of a toxic person, because it’s easier to be critical of others than deal with their own shortcomings.
14. Lack Of Empathy. A toxic person typically cares about one person only – themselves. They may appear to care about others, but it’s really about being able to control them. This also means, of course, that the fact they are hurting people in their own family means nothing to them.
15. Need To Be Right. Toxic people are never wrong, in their own eyes, at least, and find it difficult to accept that others may find what they say or do inappropriate or incorrect.
16. Negativity. Always seeing the worst side of things, and being perpetually pessimistic, are both hallmarks of a toxic person.
17. Passive Aggression. Rather than deal with matters openly, toxic people will try to demonstrate aggression indirectly.
18. Playing The Victim. In an attempt to grab attention, they will do anything they can to make you feel sorry for them, refusing to accept that the situation they’re in may be their own fault.
19. Poor Communication Skills. You will not be able to hold a reasonable conversation with these people because they become agitated by the possibility that you may be able to prove what they say is wrong. In addition, they will react badly to even the slightest difference of opinion, and they typically are not good listeners.
20. Projection. If they try to project their own feelings on to you, then it’s possible they are toxic.
21. Refusing To Apologize. You should never expect an apology from a toxic person – because they cannot see themselves as being wrong and because their lack of empathy means they don’t care how they made you feel.
22. Seeking Validation. A toxic person will frequently need to boost their ego by demanding validation from others.
23. Substance Abuse. It has been observed that toxic people are often addictive in nature too, using alcohol and/or drugs, say.
24. Telling Lies. Lying is a way of life for these people because they cannot ever afford to let themselves look bad. This habit is so ingrained that they will often believe their own lies too.
25. Using People. Toxic people will apparently befriend somebody and use them to get what they want – and then discard them afterwards.

Obviously, the more of the above signs you see in one of your family members, the more likely it is that they are too toxic to be around.

And you also need to bear in mind whether the above behaviours are one-offs, or whether they are chronic.

What Can You Do About Toxic People?

1. Don’t Be Frightened. Even though you may be threatened with your partner leaving, or your family member breaking all contact, stand strong. They are testing you, and if you refuse to be frightened by such obvious attempts at controlling you, you will not only survive but be stronger for it.
2. Don’t Hold Grudges. This only hurts you, and not the other person. You need to forgive them, not because you condone what they are doing, but because you value yourself and you refuse to be crippled by the negative feelings they helped create.
3. Don’t Play Piggy In The Middle. Toxic people will often try to involve you in their drama, because they won’t talk directly to the other person. You do not have to act as their go-between – they need to grow up and deal with the problem themselves. Remember the saying, “Not my circus, not my monkeys”!
4. Don’t Take It Personally. However bad you are made to feel, remember that they are the ones with the problem, not you. It’s not normal to treat other people the way they do, and if it weren’t you on the receiving end, it would likely be somebody else.
5. Make Sure It’s Not You. Sometimes, the toxic person is you, and you can often tell if this is the case if you see a number of people avoiding you, or you always seem to be fired from your jobs, or, of course, you recognize the above symptoms in yourself. My first wife always seemed to end up working for horrible bosses, until, as our marriage deteriorated, I began to wonder whether it was her and her attitude that were the problem and not the people she worked for.
6. No Is A Valid Answer. You do not need to explain yourself to anybody, much less a toxic person. You are entitled to say “no” to them, and you do not need to give any explanation as to why.
7. Remember Who You Are. You are your own person, and not somebody else’s servant or slave, to do with as they please.
8. Report Them. If you experience physical abuse at their hands, then you really have no choice but to report them to the authorities. Nobody deserves to be hit, or worse, and you are under no obligation to protect somebody who behaves in that way. Quite the opposite in fact – they are breaking the law and should face the consequences.
9. Set Boundaries. You need to tell the toxic person just how far they can go, and what you will not accept. They won’t like it, at first, but this is one way that you can regain some control over your life, your feelings, and your relationship with the other person.
10. Stop Rewarding Their Behaviour. When you cease playing their games and you refuse to give them what they crave (e.g. attention, obedience), they may finally leave you alone and find another victim.
11. Take Care Of Yourself. The key trifecta on this site involves three crucial habits – eating healthily, getting enough sleep, and regular exercise. You need to practise all of these to ensure you stay mentally and physically strong. In addition, you should consider trying to meditate as a way of maintaining your inner balance and perspective.
12. Walk Away From Arguments. Whether you are right or not, you cannot win an argument with a toxic person because they will do everything to prevent you from doing so. It’s far better, then, to refuse to engage with them and simply walk away.
13. Walk Away From The Relationship. If all else fails, and you’ve exhausted every reasonable avenue, then sometimes you have no choice but to walk away from that person. This may mean refusing any contact with them, or it could involve a break-up or divorce. This may be difficult for you (and maybe any children you may have), but you have to put yourself first sometimes. As they say, you cannot pour from an empty cup.

Conclusion

It’s truly sad that so many people apparently prefer to emit these toxic vibes rather than learning how to be better people, but regardless, they exist, so it’s vital you know how to recognize them, and how to protect yourself.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Recovering From Toxic Relationships