My Experience Of Internet Dating, Advantages And Disadvantages, And Some General Lessons

When I was in my mid-40s and my first marriage was in its final death throes as I waited for the divorce to be finalized, I met somebody online via a mutual interest in working from home.

This lady became, within a space of a few months, my business partner, my friend, my confidante, and my lover, and, later that year, my wife.

This was in 2004 / 2005, and I was living in the United Kingdom, the country of my birth and the only country I’d ever lived and worked in up to that point, while my lady friend was in the USA.

The Internet wasn’t what it is today – not by a long chalk – so our options for communicating were minimal.

We began via email, as that’s how we first encountered each other, then we moved to some sort of chat – probably Yahoo, although I remember we used a few different ones.

And then, the big breakthrough was Skype.

By that time, I was off work with stress, and we spent hours per day talking to each other – anywhere from four to twelve hours, seven days a week!

So, in this article I’m going to highlight some of the advantages and disadvantages of this long-distance, virtual relationship, and what we did to help create a relationship that was far stronger than I could ever have imagined (and one that I definitely never had with my first wife).

Advantages Of Internet Dating

The first thing to note is that, because we came across each other via emails from a business website, we had no idea what each other looked like. (Skype may or may not have had video chat features back then, but I suspect not, given the typical Internet speeds that were available.)

These days, of course, with apps such as Tinder and social media, their appearance is probably the first thing you see. (Yes, there probably were online dating sites back then, but remember that neither of us were actively looking for a new relationship.)

Within a relatively short time (probably some time in March or April), we agreed that I would move to the USA to be with her, as soon as my divorce came through.

That happened in September, and by the end of October, I had left the UK and was with her.

And it was only about one month before I left England that I first saw a photo of her.

I realize this would freak many people out.

I also think that people focus too much on appearance (e.g. body shape, hair colour, clothes, jewellery), because society has become too superficial.

But here’s the thing – having spent literally hundreds of hours talking to each other, on pretty much every subject you could imagine, we knew we were made for each other.

And I knew that her appearance was not important to me at all. We were so closely attuned (e.g. we shared the same values, we had similar thinking patterns, we both loved dogs) that nothing else mattered.

We had talked about:

• ourselves
• our upbringing
• our educational background
• our previous and current jobs
• our family
• our current (and previous) relationships
• our interests
• our goals, both personal and business
• our technical experience with computers
• our pets (past and current, in her case)
• our strengths and weaknesses
• our food likes and dislikes
• our tastes in music and movies and books
• our knowledge of and experience with foreign languages
• our thoughts on education and science and religion
• children, and our mutual desire not to have any
• places we’d lived and travelled to
• and my depression

The above list is probably far from exhaustive, but the point is that we knew so much about each other that when I finally moved in with her, there were no surprises on either side.

There was only one thing she would never reveal, and that was her age. I never understood the reason for this – I know that women don’t like to talk about it, but in my friend’s case, it was more like a taboo subject.

Like her appearance, it really didn’t matter to me anyway, and I’d sort of surmised she was within a few years of my own age, one way or the other. (In fact, I only found out how old she was the night she died, and the police asked me for her date of birth. The only way I could answer this was to dig out a scanned copy of her driving licence, which had that information. And it turned out she was about three years older than I was.)

It is my firm belief that dating this way, and, specifically, never seeing each other until we were already fully committed, and consequently never meeting, was crucial to how strong our relationship became.

Of course, I cannot rule out the possibility that if we had seen each other, things would have progressed in the same way – but my gut feel says this would have made a difference.

Only being able to hear each other’s voices removed all of the usual distractions from dating and allowed us to focus on really getting to know each other.

There’s another aspect of the lack of distraction, though.

When dating in real life, you typically are meeting, at least some of the time, in public (e.g. restaurants, bars), where there are a bunch of distractions (e.g. other people, music, televisions).

When you’re talking online, presumably from your home, where your computer is, these distractions don’t exist, which means you can concentrate on what the other person is saying much more effectively.

When I first started working as a computer programmer, back in 1979, there were two ladies on my team who both got married within three months of meeting their respective boyfriends.

And I remember thinking that it seemed awfully fast – too fast to really know much about each other.

Sure enough, both marriages failed at about the same time too – within a couple of years.

A similar, but less extreme, thing happened with my first wife. We were introduced by our parents in October, and by early June the following year, I’d proposed.

I thought I liked and loved her, and we seemed compatible, but I know, with hindsight, I was too young to be sure of that.

Well, actually, I think the real problem was that I didn’t know myself well enough at that time – I had only just turned 19 when I became engaged.

I hadn’t thought through what was important to me or what values I wanted to live my life by, and if you don’t know yourself that well, I’m not sure you can really know whether somebody else is the right partner for you.

I have actually written an article about this, which you may find interesting and relevant.

Were there any other advantages?

Well, for us, it was a lot cheaper, not that this would have been an issue if, say, we’d lived closer together.

Instead of going on actual dates, to restaurants or movies or concerts, we just sat at our computers and talked, using free software.

It also avoided some of the usual problem areas, like deciding which movie to watch or where to go and eat. I suspect that these minor issues rarely become dealbreakers, but nonetheless, it was still one less source of potential friction.

I think another advantage is that we were not subjected to anybody else’s interference or opinions.

When most people date, they often discuss their partner with their friends or family. This can be good, of course, but it may be bad too – maybe you’ll hear things about the other person you wish you didn’t know.

In our case, we were both adults and had each had one failed marriage, so maybe our situation was different, but we both kept this relationship secret from everybody and were therefore not swayed, one way or the other, by others’ thoughts and opinions.

One other thing we did to help our relationship grow stronger was send each other frequent messages via email, especially when we were not talking online (but sometimes even when we were).

Sometimes, these would be simply e-cards, with messages like I Love You, or photos / images (e.g. of roses), but the main tool was a detailed email each day about what we’d discussed, what I’d done when I wasn’t talking (e.g. errands I’d run, my therapy sessions, what I’d eaten).

It was like a written version of the “How was your day?” question that couples in real life ask each other.

I would write it, and then she would reply back with details of her day.

There was one more component to these daily missives – a love poem.

Yes, I wrote her a love poem every single day – even after we were married. (You can see my favourites in a book I compiled in her memory shortly after her death.)

And lastly, Internet dating suited our personalities.

Since my early teens, and probably a bit earlier than that, I have been extremely introverted, shy, and anxious about social interactions, and I think my lady friend was, to a lesser degree, the same.

Neither of us were social animals – from early 2007 until her death in December 2018, we never left our property – and we both valued our privacy.

I had never been the sort to approach a girl and ask her out (I’d had precisely two girlfriends, those being my first wife and my new lady friend / second wife), and I did not enjoy being in the sort of places where couples typically meet (e.g. bars, discos).

She was very similar, so even if we had lived in the same town, the chances of us running into each other, never mind my approaching her, would have been close to zero.

So for us, Internet dating removed this obstacle completely.

Disadvantages Of Internet Dating

For us, then, dating online like I’ve just described was pretty much perfect.

But there were, of course, a few disadvantages.

One of those was the difference in time zones – with me being in England and her being in the western United States, we were either seven or eight hours apart, depending on the time of year.

This would have been a major issue for us were it not for three key factors:

1. I was off work and therefore my time was more or less my own.
2. She was at home all day too.
3. She already slept weird hours.

All of this meant we had the luxury of being very flexible with when we talked.

I realize that many people will not be in this position, but of course if the two of you are not quite so far apart (e.g. opposite ends of the same country, or one person in England and one in Spain, where the time zones are similar), then it wouldn’t be a real problem either.

The other obvious aspect of most relationships that was missing was physical contact.

With “normal” dating, you would expect, sooner or later, to hold hands, kiss, cuddle, and probably more, but online, those options are clearly not available to you.

That’s where Internet sex comes in – and again, it worked very well for us.

It was certainly new to me, and as far as I know, to her too.

We went on what she called “journeys” – initially via chat, which required a lot of typing on my part, but later via voice once we swapped over to Skype (and other similar services that began springing up).

I would concoct an erotic story, on the fly, where we were, of course, the only two characters, and the climax of these stories (pun intended) was a lurid description of sex acts to which we would both masturbate.

It may not be the ideal solution for many people, but this did have its advantages too:

1. There were no concerns about safe sex – it’s difficult to get pregnant or STDs when you’re in separate countries.
2. There were no worries about performance issues of any type.
3. Neither of us had to worry about whether we were pleasing each other (or causing pain or discomfort).
4. Since there was no video involved in our chats, there was no possibility of feeling embarrassed about masturbating in front of somebody else.

So in spite of the distance between us, I do feel this strengthened our bond, and allowed us to enjoy each other in a vicarious way – without some of the normal concerns.

What I did miss out on, from my perspective, were the times when I could really have done with a good hug (e.g. when I was having a bad day with my depression or divorce proceedings).

She was, of course, always there for me, and was supportive and loving – but that’s never going to be the same as an actual hug, where you feel the warmth of the other person’s body and the pressure from the embrace that makes you feel safe, or inhale their unique scent.

And lastly in this section, I need to talk about dating sites and apps, not that I have ever used them.

However, I think some of the dangers of using dating apps are well-known. For example

• Is their profile picture really theirs, and if it is, how current is it?
• How much of their profile is true?
• What are they not telling you?

Of course, you may discover all of this once you make a connection, but how will you feel if you discover you’ve been lied to?

There are, of course, risks in starting any relationship, but beginning one based on lies (or omitted information) does not seem like a great foundation.

This is why it’s vital you talk as much and as often as you can – because that way, you can find out who they really are.

Conclusion

The above is, of course, highly personal, and our situation was probably unusual compared to most people’s, but I think there are some general lessons to be gleaned from my story.

1. The lack of physical distractions, both in terms of appearance and location, allows you to focus on getting to truly know each other.
2. Communication in any relationship is key, so the more you can talk to each other, on as wide a range of subjects as possible, the better – assuming you agree that couples should be open and honest with each other.
3. If there are any taboo subjects, then get them on the table early on.
4. You need to agree early on how you’re going to substitute for the normal physical aspects of a relationship.

And if you reach the point where you’re not sure whether it’s time to meet each other in person, then perhaps you’ve not yet talked enough. 🙂

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Relationship Questions