Cheating Is Cheating And Is Always A Choice

Cheating on your partner is an ugly subject, but one that you may need to consider.

It is estimated that between 40% and 50% of marriages end in divorce these days, with the average length of a first marriage being eight years.

And infidelity is probably the most common reasons for couples breaking up, whether they’re married or not.

This article explores the issues around cheating – what is it, why do people do it, what can be done to prevent it, what are the signs, and what to do once it happens.

What Is Infidelity?

According to Wikipedia, it is “a violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity.”

There are a couple of points worth making here:

1. Notice how it uses the word “assumed”? This means that people in a committed relationship should be able to expect certain behaviours from their partners, whether you discuss your “contract” or not. I’ll talk more about this later.
2. It is not only talking about sexual exclusivity. Part of the commitment you make is also emotional.

Having said that, in most cases, when somebody says their partner cheated on them, they are, of course, referring to having sex with somebody else.

Why Do People Cheat?

This is not as simple as you may first think.

It’s understandable (but not condonable) in a situation where a person is unhappy in a relationship and can not see it going anywhere positive.

But what is less easy to get your head around is those cases where the person is happy (or, at least, claims to be) but still strays outside their relationship.

Here are the most common reasons why a partner cheats:

1. Lack of sexual satisfaction, which is the most frequently given reason.
2. New sexual experiences, maybe because their partner won’t try things in the bedroom (e.g. different positions, role play, BDSM) that they would like to do.
3. Lack of emotional satisfaction, which relates back to the definition above.
4. Validation, because they are feeling unappreciated at home, for example.
5. Lack of love, which is less common and hard to pin down, because many people struggle to define what they truly mean when they say they’re in love.
6. Falling in love with somebody else, which again is less common – people start affairs for other reasons (e.g. sex), and then may decide they’re in love with the person they’re having an affair with.
7. Fear of intimacy, because purely physical sex with somebody else is easier and less stressful for them than complete intimacy (e.g. physical and emotional) with their partner.
8. Mid-life crisis, which can trigger all sorts of unusual and out-of-character behaviours.
9. Avoiding conflict, because having an affair can (temporarily) distance the cheating partner from any potential problems back home.
10. Revenge, which is rare and mainly happens in relationships that are already in trouble.
11. Curiosity, because some people wonder what sex with somebody else might be like.
12. Sexual addiction, although some psychologists debate whether this is a real thing. What is known, though, is that, for men at least, having an orgasm activates the same part of the brain as shooting heroin.

Why Is It So Painful Being Cheated On?

More than anything, it’s the betrayal of trust that hurts. Betrayal always causes pain, but it’s significantly worse when it’s your partner (i.e. somebody you should like, respect, and love) is involved.

Over and above that, it can make the victim feel like:

• They are no longer attractive or sexually desirable. This can often happen after childbirth, which can have effects on a woman’s body that are completely out of her control.
• They no longer matter to their partner.
• Their partner wants out of the relationship, which can trigger thoughts about how they will survive, what will happen to any children, and a general uncertainty and anxiety about the future. This can even lead to clinical depression.
• They cannot trust their own judgement if they became involved with the wrong person.

What Can You Do To Prevent Cheating?

One of the biggest problems in any relationship, whether it’s related to sex or not, is communication.

If you look at the list of reasons people cheat, in the previous section, you’ll notice that many of them relate to a feeling of missing something (e.g. emotional attachment, love, appreciation, and, of course, sex).

I talk about this in a lot more detail in my “How To Keep The Spark Alive” course, but the crucial thing is to talk to your partner about how you’re feeling. For example:

• You may think you’re not making love often enough, but perhaps your partner is under the impression that everything is fine.
• If you want to try role play, have you asked your partner whether they are willing to give it a try?
• Maybe your partner is suffering from a health problem (either physical or mental) that you are unaware of.

If you don’t discuss these issues, how will you ever know what the real situation is?

I accept that this may be difficult for some, especially those who were brought up to believe that sex is sinful and disgusting, or by parents who did not appear to be intimate (in any sense of the word, which was the case when I was a young child), but these are fundamental issues that you really should discuss (preferably before entering the committed phase of your relationship).

What Type Of Relationship Do You Want To Have?

The going-in assumption for most relationships is that it will be sexually (and emotionally) exclusive.

This is why the definition above uses the word “assumed” – unless you discuss and agree some other type of relationship, it is not unreasonable that the default situation should be exclusivity.

However, there are other types of relationship that can work.

For example, there is the open relationship, where either partner is free to pursue sex with other people.

This is clearly not for everybody, and if the OK is given to have sex with others and then an emotional attachment develops, problems often ensue.

Another approach, which is the one taken by a couple I know, is to agree that you will only have sex outside the marriage (or relationship) with professionals (e.g. escorts, gigolos, prostitutes).

Some couples also agree on a rule where you may only have sex with another person once.

Both of these approaches to a semi-open relationship avoid the potential issue of emotional attachment.

If you decide to go down any type of open relationship, though, it is absolutely vital that you trust each other 100%.

This is because sex outside the relationship is not just about physical pleasure – the health of both you is at stake.

For that reason, any sex must be safe – not just from the perspective of STDs and other infections, but also from the perspective of the female not getting pregnant or the male not fathering somebody else’s child.

Any of these issues can break an otherwise stable relationship.

Signs That Your Partner Is Cheating

Here are some of the most common clues that your partner may be unfaithful:

1. A sudden desire for privacy.
2. Adding a password to their phone.
3. Atypical behaviours.
4. Being unreachable for longer than usual.
5. Changes in your sex life together.
6. Friends treating you differently (e.g. because they know or suspect something you don’t, but may be afraid to broach).
7. Hostility – to you or more generally with regard to your relationship.
8. Lying.
9. Make-up or the scent of perfume / aftershave on their clothes.
10. Making phone calls in secret.
11. Paying more attention than usual to how they look (e.g. clothes, styling, fitness).
12. Spending more time than usual on the computer.
13. Unrecognized transactions on credit card bills / bank statements.
14. Working late (or a different work schedule).

Of course, any of the above may occur for perfectly valid reasons, which simply reinforces the need for you both to communicate.

Raising what is almost always a difficult subject might be unpleasant, but if nothing physical has happened yet, you might still be able to save your relationship by talking about it (not by arguing) and trying to resolve whatever the problem is.

So What If Your Partner Did Cheat On You?

The person who has been cheated on is going to feel a whole gamut of emotions – sadness, anger, guilt, loss, shame, betrayal, and more.

First and foremost, the one feeling you should not have is guilt.

Nobody is perfect, we are probably all difficult to live with from time to time, and in a relationship, it’s rare that anything is 100% one person’s fault.

However, and this is vital – when somebody cheats, regardless of the situation, they made a choice. They could have chosen to remain faithful, but they chose to be unfaithful, for whatever reason.

And that is absolutely on them, not on you.

Beyond that, you have a choice to make – will you stay together or not?

There are obviously many factors to consider here, including:

1. Why did your partner cheat? Some of the reasons listed above are what I would consider more serious than others. For example, a mid-life crisis might cause somebody to do something completely out of character, and it might not mean anything, while curiosity is a pretty poor reason to have an affair.
2. How long has it been going on? An affair that has only recently begun might be less of a concern than one that has been going on for months.
3. If you decide to split up (or throw your partner out), what are the practical ramifications of this? For example, having somewhere to live, earning enough money, and the effect on your children.
4. How willing are they to discuss it? If they refuse to talk about it, then it may be a lost cause, but if they are willing to discuss the problems, then perhaps there is still hope.
5. How sincere do you believe their apology to be? Clearly, it should require more than just an “I’m sorry”, and as they say, the best apology is not repeating whatever they did previously. It’s easy to say they won’t do it again, but how much weight do you think that carries? You probably know the saying that a leopard cannot change its spots, but I feel that is being overly harsh – people can change if they are sufficiently motivated.
6. Are there friends you can discuss this with – maybe people who’ve been through this experience themselves?
7. Is it possible to take a time-out, such as staying with friends or family while you both think it over?
8. Do you need to consult a lawyer? This is clearly a fairly serious step to take, but don’t discount the possibility.
9. Are you willing to risk the pain of taking your partner back and then have the same thing happen in the future?
10. Will you ever be able to trust them again?

All of the above will help you to figure out whether this is a deal-breaker for you or not.

I understand that you can feel like you might be throwing a lot away for the sake of potentially one indiscretion, but remember – you are not the one who decided to cheat.

And when you discuss this with your partner (assuming you are both willing to do so), you need to:

1. Stay calm. Getting angry at this stage, however justified you may feel, is only going to put your partner on the defensive and make it harder to have a productive discussion.
2. Be direct. This is not the time to beat around the bush – there is clearly a problem and you need to talk about it – what caused it, and what you can do about it.
3. Since your partner has demonstrated a lack of concern for you, you are entitled, at this stage, to focus primarily on your needs.
4. Be prepared to assess your relationship honestly. Are you right for each other, or is the cheating a sign that it’s time to go your separate ways? This is not, of course, a decision that should be taken lightly.
5. Agree what it is your cheating partner needs to do in order to reestablish trust. Examples might include not locking their phone or showing you their browser history, or maybe being home by a certain time even evening or night.

Conclusion

Nobody said relationships were easy – they require work and, most of all, communication.

You need to be able to trust each other so that you can discuss anything, however difficult or awkward the subject may be, in a calm and rational manner.

Think about it this way – is it better to have an uncomfortable discussion with your partner now that might save (and even strengthen) your relationship, or stay quiet and have your relationship fail?

And if one (or both) of you strays, then you will have a tough choice to make, either together, or individually (e.g. if you choose to throw your partner out).

But remember – cheating is cheating, and it is always a choice. (I rarely use absolutes such as “always”, but I feel it is justified here.)

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Rebuilding Trust