Alternative Ways To Say “I Love You” That Don’t Involve Speaking Those Words

When you’re in a relationship, have you ever stopped to count how often you say the words, “I love you”?

Putting aside the fact that, when pushed, it can be hard to define what you mean by “love”, and most people probably have a different definition of what it means to them, I realized some time during the second half of my first marriage that I was saying it a lot – maybe too much.

It can almost become a cliché, something that ceases to have any real meaning.

Saying those three words, which can be incredibly difficult to utter that very first time as many people (especially men) will know, because it implies and promises so much, can transform from something special into something that is automatic.

When you leave the house, when you end a telephone call, the words just spill out, all by themselves.

For me, once I’d realized my first marriage was in trouble, I came to see those words as a mantra, something I would repeat because I was trying to convince myself that they were still true – even though I knew they weren’t, because I was scared to admit that the marriage may soon be over.

I’m not, of course, saying that you should never utter those words – only that when you do, they should mean something because they are true and you really feel it.

And I’m a firm believer that whenever the two of you have to part (e.g. going to work, a business trip, going out with friends), you should part on a positive note rather than maybe looking back later and remembering that the last words you ever said to your partner were negative or hurtful. If the words “I love you” work for the two of you, then great, but I would suggest varying them.

The good news is that there are lots of other ways you can show your partner that you love them, in less direct or obvious ways, and that’s what this article addresses.

Doing Chores

When the two of you are sharing a house, you cannot escape the fact that there are household chores that need to be done – cleaning, taking the trash out, tidying up, gardening, shopping, washing the car(s), paying bills.

And in many relationships, those chores are often done by one person all of the time. This division of labour may be a deliberate choice, because you discussed it together, or it may just happen that way, possibly based on traditional (but outdated) gender roles.

One way to show how much you care about and love your partner is to do one of the chores your partner usually does (and which they dislike doing) – without being asked to.

Doing this says that you know they don’t like that chore, and that you want to remove the burden from them so they can free up that time to do something else.

In some cases, it will be obvious that you’ve done something for your partner, but if it’s not clear, it’s best not to draw attention to it, because that may come over as you bragging or even wanting a reward. It’s better to just do the job and keep quiet about it, letting them discover what you did by themselves.

Cooking

In a similar vein, the job of making meals, whether those are from scratch or store-bought, usually falls to one person or the other, even if both of you have jobs.

And, of course, it’s usually (but not always) the female who does this – again, because of traditional gender roles.

Making a meal for your partner then, when they are the “designated chef”, is a great way to demonstrate how much you love them.

This can be any meal (e.g. breakfast or dinner), and it doesn’t have to be a big, fancy, three-course affair, because what’s important is that by your making the meal instead of assuming they will do it, you’re letting your partner have some time off.

Going Out

Taking the above idea a bit further, there will be days when you both come home from work and neither of you feels like cooking.

Assuming this is within your budget (and you can still eat out reasonably cheaply if necessary), taking your partner out to eat is another way of saying that you know they’re tired, and that you want to make things easier for them that day.

Your choices are varied, depending on the situation, including:

• a take-out
• street food while you go for a walk somewhere together
• a picnic, in the park, at the beach, or even in the car if the weather isn’t’ that great
• or, of course, a sit-down meal in any restaurant

Cuddling

Sometimes, taking the time to simply hug and cuddle your partner, with no expectation that it will lead anywhere, is the perfect way to show your love.

You don’t need to talk, if they’re not in the mood (e.g. because they’ve had a stressful day at work) – simply sitting in silence and holding them close can be wonderfully relaxing and comforting and intimate.

Gratitude

It’s easy to start to take things for granted in a relationship, and while you may be glad or thankful that your partner had done one of the jobs they usually do, it never hurts to say so – otherwise, how will they know.

Saying “thank you” (e.g. for a lovely meal, or for letting you watch a TV show they don’t enjoy) costs nothing, but it’s a way to demonstrate that you appreciate them and what they do.

Feelings

Rather than telling your partner that you love them, why not tell them how they make you feel?

Yes, I know this might be difficult and awkward, for a lot of men in particular, but is it really so hard to say something like:

• “I love how being with you makes me feel so relaxed.“
• “Your support makes me feel so confident.“
• “Your presence energizes me.“
• “I feel so fortunate that we met.“
• “Seeing your smile makes me feel all warm inside.“

These are only a few examples of what you might say, so:

1. Try to come up with your own little phrases.
2. Focus on specific and positive feelings.
3. Be sincere – no idle flattery because that will usually backfire.
4. Remember not to turn these into meaningless mantras either.

Pay Attention

When your partner has something to say, actually stopping what you’re doing (assuming that it’s safe to do so) and really listening, as well as paying attention (e.g. to their body language, their tone of voice) shows that you value what they think and that they are important to you.

Yes, you may be in the middle of watching a football game on television, say, but if your partner wants to talk about something that’s important to them, by ignoring them and continuing to watch the TV, you’re very clearly sending the signal that the game is of more importance to you than they are.

Do What They Like

In a strong relationship, there will be times when one of you goes off by themselves, or with friends, and does their thing (e.g. bowling, a visit to the gym), while the other partner stays at home or does something different – and that’s OK, because provided that trust is there, jealousy should never be an issue.

In some of these activities, your presence may not only be unnecessary but unwelcome, e.g. if your wife wants to have a girls’ night out.

But there may be some activities your partner enjoys that don’t particularly appeal to you (e.g. going to the theatre, attending a sports game).

Suggesting you go with them, even though you (and they) know it’s not your cup of tea, shows that you value their enjoyment too.

Also, because part of a person’s sense of enjoyment comes from sharing the experience with somebody they care about, your being there with them helps them to have fun.

Taking this one stage further, you could consider learning a bit about your partner’s hobbies or interests in advance (e.g. at least understanding the basic rules of baseball or football, or doing some quick research into the movie your girlfriend wants to watch).

When my first wife and I were engaged and I’d just got my first job in IT (or data processing as it was called back then), she knew computers were going to be a large part of my life, and at least some part of our life together, so she bought a beginner’s guide to computers, so she would at least understand some of the basic terms and principles. (The book was called “Fred Learns About Computers“, and, amazingly, you can still buy copies today.)

Conversely, I learned how to type (because she was attending a bilingual secretarial course when we met), a skill I have used almost every day for the past 40+ years, and I also learned the basics of shorthand, because that was of relevance and interest to her.

Forgiveness

While Module 2 of my “Healing From Your Break-Up” course talks about forgiveness, in terms of what it is and is not, that’s only within the context of recovering after a break-up.

But if you’re in a strong, loving relationship, then forgiving your partner for mistakes they made is a crucial part of showing that your relationship is more important to you than your own ego.

We are all human, and we all do or say things from time to time that we shouldn’t have done or said.

This is not, of course, to excuse domestic violence of any type, and personally, I know I would find it difficult to forgive something that was deliberately said with the intention of being hurtful – but there are still many instances where a genuine mistake was made, and that should not be used as a weapon against your partner for ever.

Ideally, you should forgive your partner whether they apologize or not – and I have an article on how to give and accept apologies that you can find here.

Random Gifts

This has long been a favourite of mine – the “just because” present.

I know I’ve mentioned this elsewhere, but it bears repeating – giving your partner a small gift, not because it’s their birthday or your anniversary (which you should obviously never, ever forget!), but because you saw something that you thought they would love, is a great way to show that they are on your mind even when you’re not together.

Needless to say, it doesn’t matter how large or expensive the gift it – the only crucial factor is that it’s something they will like, and that you know that.

Can you imagine the reaction you’d get if you gave your girlfriend or wife a DVD of a movie that stars their favourite actor – when she doesn’t even know that you know she likes that person?

Of course, I’m not suggesting you go spying in their phone or computer for this type of information – but if you pay attention to what your partner says, either to you or to others (e.g. family, friends), or even just comments made in passing to nobody in particular, then you will have a never-ending source of ideas for gifts.

Conclusion

The above examples are merely intended to show you that there are lots of ways to tell the person you love that you care about them, that they are important to you, and that you are always thinking about them – without using the actual words, “I love you.”

To me, the crucial elements are:

1. Doing whatever you can to make their life easier and more satisfying, because a relationship is about supporting each other and helping them to succeed, however they want to define that.
2. Paying attention to what they say and what their interests are.
3. Not doing any of the above with a WIIFM (that’s “What’s In It For Me?”) attitude – do it because you actually do love and care for them.
4. Small but sincere gestures are far better than large showy ones.
5. Try to make sure what you do is personal – something you know your partner will appreciate, or something that is a private part of your relationship (i.e. that only the two of you know).