35 Things To Avoid Doing Or Saying On A First Date

A first date can be an anxiety-inducing affair:

• If it’s a blind date, then neither of you has ever met before, and you probably won’t know what they look like either, so it’s likely that you will feel very nervous.
• Even if you are already acquainted with each other, it may be the first opportunity you’ve had to really talk together alone. And if it’s a schoolfriend or a work colleague, say, the persona you portray in those situations may not be the same as the one you show to friends or to those you care about.
• And if this is your first time meeting somebody in real life after a period of online dating, then you will be wondering whether their profile information is accurate or not. Did they lie, and if so, about what? Conversely, did you lie, and if so, can you remember what you lied about?

It’s therefore crucial that you create the right impression when on that first date, and this article lists some of the things you should try to avoid – assuming you want a second date, of course.

So, what should you NOT do on a first date?

1. Argue. Remember to respect the other person’s opinion on a topic, even if you think they are wrong. If their views are so counter to your own, then you simply don’t ask for another date, but the first date is not the time to get into an argument about politics, religion, the economy, etc.
2. Be A Bore. This is a date, with two people equally involved, so don’t spend the entire time talking about yourself, because it’s boring and a huge turn-off. The conversation should be just that – a two-way flow.
3. Be Late. Turning up late for any date is bad, but for your first one, it’s not exactly starting off on the right foot. If you know you are going to be a bit late, then at the very least either call or text your date to let them know (and the reason why), or, if that’s not possible, maybe leave a message with the place you’re supposed to be meeting them.
4. Be Negative. We all have problems in our lives, but talking about them, including any form of complaining, moaning, or whining, on a first date is not the time to do this.
5. Be Too Shy. It’s important to be confident in who you are. After all, you were confident enough to ask for the date in the first place – and they said “Yes”. On the other hand, don’t be overconfident, which can appear as arrogance or cockiness.
6. Be Unable To Pay The Bill. You should make sure you have the means to pay for the date before leaving home. This may mean cash, or cards that you know work and have enough credit on them.
7. Be Unable To Start A Conversation. Just in case it feels a bit awkward at first, memorize a few ice-breakers to get a conversation started. This is not the time for cheesy pick-up type lines, of course, but questions that can assist you in the process of getting to know each other work really well.
8. Be Unshaven. For men, this is a must. Some may think the five o’clock shadow / designer stubble look is sexy, but until you know the other person, it’s best not to make assumptions. And if you have a moustache and/or beard, make sure it’s trimmed and groomed.

   For women, it’s generally assumed that men prefer your armpits and legs to be shaved. Even if the man you’re meeting doesn’t mind, or prefers to see hair there, you can’t really go wrong if you shave beforehand.

9. Break Promises. If you say you will call the other person the next day, for example, then make sure you do so. (At the very least, send them a message explaining why you cannot call – and then call as soon as you are able.)
10. Cancel At The Last Minute. Time is the one resource we only get to use once, which is why it’s important to respect both your own time, and that of others. If you genuinely have a last-minute emergency (e.g. a family medical problem), then let your date know – and make sure it’s true. If they later find out you lied about it, you can kiss that relationship goodbye before you ever actually get a kiss.
11. Discuss Past Relationships. When meeting somebody for the first time, it doesn’t make a lot of sense to start talking about your previous relationships, because it can come across as your not having moved on yet. So, try not to even use a phrase like “my ex”.

    The only possible exception would be if the other person specifically asks, in which case you can either go ahead, but keep any juicy bits or negative aspects to yourself, or say you’d rather not talk about them at the moment because the date is all about you and the other person getting to know each other.

    This also means you should not be asking your date about their former relationships either, of course.

    Remember, past relationships are past for a reason.

12. Disrespect Others. You can be the perfect gentleman or lady all night, but if you disrespect or mistreat the waiter, for example, all of your efforts can be for naught. How you treat others says at least as much about your character as whatever else you may do or say does.
13. Eat Messy Foods. When you don’t yet know each other, the last thing you need is to be all messy because you chose the wrong food. For example, the sauce that comes with spaghetti can fly everywhere, unless you are truly an expert at eating it. Other messy foods might include chicken wings, ribs, or watermelon.
14. Flattery. While they say that flattery will get you anywhere, it’s especially not recommended on a first date. By all means, pay sincere compliments (e.g. on their outfit, but do not compare them to your ex in any way), but restrain yourself, because you don’t want to come over as being insincere.
15. Go On About Your Children. Whatever age you and your kids may be, it’s OK to mention them, but you shouldn’t spend the entire evening talking about them.
16. Gross Them Out. However comfortable you may be with your own body, try not to do something that is generally not deemed acceptable in polite company, such as belching, breaking wind (aka passing gas), or picking your nose.
17. Have No Back-Up Plan. However well organized you are, there is always the possibility that your original plan may fail. For example, maybe the restaurant you booked had a fire and is closed.

    So, always try to have a Plan B up your sleeve, just in case.

18. Have Stinky Breath. This means, before the date, brushing your teeth, flossing, and using a good mouthwash, and not eating any stinky food such as garlic or onions.

    During the date, then it’s also wise to stay away from such foods – unless you’re both eating the same thing, in which case the malodorous effects are lessened.

19. Interrupt Them. Talking over your date, or interrupting them, or trying to finish their sentences, is disrespectful and rude, and you don’t know them well enough to do that anyway. I was married for over 20 years to my first wife, and even after all that time, she was still unable to accurately finish my sentences. (Actually, being interrupted is probably my biggest bugbear in life.)
20. Keep Checking Your Phone. Checking your phone every few minutes is the height of rudeness, so to avoid the temptation, turn it off and leave it in your pocket or purse.

    If, and only if, you are expecting an urgent call or message that genuinely cannot be avoided, then tell your date about this up front, but even so, leave your phone alone until that call comes in.

21. Leave Your Date To Make Their Own Way Home. For men, the right thing to do is to make sure your female date gets home safely afterward. If she has her own car, then walk with her to where she left it. Otherwise, either drive (or walk) her home, and if that is not possible, get her a (reputable) taxi service.
22. Lie. If you start making up lies about yourself and your accomplishments, or even if you stretch the truth a bit, you will get caught out sooner or later, and nobody, repeat nobody, likes being lied to. If a relationship does develop with the person you’re dating, it needs to be based on honesty from the get-go.
23. Listen Attentively. If ever there were a time to pay attention and employ active listening techniques, this is it. Ask questions, and remember that the other person talking is not about you having time to plan what to say next.
24. Looking At Other People. Looking around the restaurant or bar, eyeing up other people, or simply not paying attention is disrespectful and a big turn-off.
25. Make A Big Deal About The Bill. When the bill comes, just pay it – no ostentatious gestures, no comments about how much it is, and no backtalk to the waiter.
26. Make Comments About Their Appetite. While you can ask whether they like their food, commenting that they don’t seem to be eating much (or too much) is generally not appreciated. For example, there may be medical issues that affect their appetite that they are not yet ready to talk about with you.
27. Omit To Mention You Have Children. As I said above, don’t talk all night about your kids, but at the very least, you should mention that you have some as part of full disclosure so that the other person knows what is usually a significant piece of information.
28. Reveal All. You do not need to tell your date your entire life history. Not only will this be boring, but you also need to leave something to talk about on future dates. Revealing information about yourself is a bit like peeling away the layers of an onion – you start with the more public / visible aspects, and as time goes on, you gradually reveal deeper, more personal details.
29. Smoke Without Asking. If you are a smoker, it’s polite to ask your date whether it’s OK to light up. They may have a medical condition that is affected by smoke, they may not appreciate it while you’re eating, and if they don’t smoke and you do, be prepared for the lack of a goodnight kiss at the end of the date.
30. Take Somebody With You. If you already have children, do not take them with you – find a babysitter instead. This first date is your opportunity to start getting to know each other, and any sort of distraction, which definitely includes having your kids present, will make this more difficult.

    In a similar vein, and I hope this goes without saying, but don’t take any friends along with you.

31. Talk About Long-Term Relationship Goals. However much you like the other person, this is far too soon to start talking about marriage or having children. It is likely to freak them out.
32. Talk About Sex. Unless your goal on this date is sex and only sex, you should refrain from discussing this. If your intention is to start building a relationship with the other person, however, then you don’t want to make it sound as though they are simply a sex object to you.
33. Tell Your Date You Love Them. However infatuated you may be with your date, telling them that you love them so soon after meeting is likely to make you look a bit creepy and them feel a bit freaked out.
34. Turn Up Drunk. It’s one thing for the two of you to get tipsy or drunk together (although this is still inadvisable on a first date), but already being drunk when you arrive is a big no-no. So if you are the first one there, and the other person is a bit late, then if you must have a drink while you wait, keep it non-alcoholic if you can.
35. Wear Dirty Or Scruffy Clothes. Rightly or wrongly, the clothes you wear is one factor that affects another person’s first impression of you – and it’s reckoned you only have seven seconds to create a good one. So there’s no point turning up for your date wearing scruffy or dirty clothes, because you will likely have scuppered your chance of a second date before you even open your mouth.

Conclusion

As I said, first dates are fraught with opportunities for things not to work out the way you’d hoped, but there’s no point shooting yourself in the foot by doing something that is completely avoidable.

So, take heed of the above advice, and have a great first date!

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Relationship Questions