15 Active Listening Tips For Better Relationships

One of the biggest problems in relationships is communication – or the lack thereof.

Sometimes, it’s because the couple simply don’t talk about whatever’s bothering them.

Sometimes it’s because what is said is misunderstood.

And sometimes it’s because one partner isn’t listening, and when a person in a relationship starts to feel that they’re not being heard, more serious problems can ensue.

This article looks at some of the ways that you can better support your partner by improving your listening skills.

Don’t Try To Solve The Problem Immediately

There are a few traits that most animals, including humans, have in common – they look for patterns, and they solve problems.

These are hard-wired because they were vital to survival.

What this means is, that when your partner is talking about a problem they’re facing, our first reaction is to try to solve a problem.

However, this is not always the right time to do that – because in many cases, all the person wants and needs is for somebody to listen to them. The problem-solving can come later, if necessary.

I remember I once bought my first wife a pashmina scarf, and at some stage during the first time she wore it to go out, it got a hole in it. (She had always been rough on her clothes – she even got an oil stain on her wedding dress when getting out of the car after arriving at the registry office.)

When we returned home, she was very upset about it – and I, who knew no better in those days, immediately started proposing ways to fix the problem.

That did not go down well – it was like I was brushing her emotions aside, as though they were unimportant (not that I realized that at the time, of course).

It’s difficult, but if your partner is angry or upset or sad, please try to sit there and listen, and resist the natural temptation to go into problem-solving mode.

Don’t Remain Silent

While I’ve just said you should not try to solve problems yet, you do need to say something, because that shows you’re listening.

Occasional nods of the head can also work, but these gestures should support what you say.

However, what you say is important too, which is why I cover those in the following few sections separately.

Don’t Ask Closed Questions

There are two types of questions – open and closed?

Closed ones typically lead to short, even one-word, answers, and do not generally stimulate further expansion or discussion. For example, “Are you upset?” is really only asking for a yes or no answer, and it can make the person feel like you’re shutting them down and that you’re not really interested in the details.

Open ones, however, pave the way for the person to continue talking about their feelings or experience. For example, “How are you feeling?” allow the other person to talk, at length if necessary, about what’s going on, and why.

Don’t Ask Why Questions

You may be familiar with Rudyard Kipling’s well-known saying:

“I keep six honest serving-men

(They taught me all I knew);

Their names are What and Why and When

And How and Where and Who.”

And when you’re trying to get to the facts of the matter, these are all good questions to ask, as any good investigative reporter would tell you.

But when talking to your partner about a problem they’re facing, the “why” question can cause issues because it makes them sound like they’re being cross-examined, and it puts them on the defensive, as though they need to justify what happened or why they feel the way they do.

So, try to ask “how” or “what” questions instead.

For example, instead of asking, “Why are you angry?”, try something like, “What happened that made you feel angry?”

The first example can make it sound like you think it’s their fault for feeling the way they do, while the second example puts the focus on what happened.

They make seem similar, but people react to them very differently.

Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Clarification

If you are not sure what your partner is really saying, you need to ask them to elaborate so that there are no misunderstandings.

Having said that, remember the above tips, and try to use neutral language.

Don’t Assume You Understand What The Other Person Is Saying

So many problems are caused by one person thinking they know what the other person meant, when in fact that’s not the case at all.

When your partner is explaining how they feel about an issue, it’s crucial that you put into your own words what you think they’re saying.

This helps the person know that they’re being listened to.

I go into more detail on what’s known as Reflective Listening in Lesson 2.5 of my “How To Keep The Spark Alive” course.

Don’t Ignore Their Emotions

One of the best things you can do to show your partner that you understand what they are saying is to demonstrate that you appreciate why they feel the way they do.

I know this can be difficult, especially for men (in general), but saying something like “I can see why that made you feel angry” goes a long way toward helping the other person feel validated.

Don’t Jump To Conclusions

Until you have heard all that your partner has to say, you cannot safely assume anything – even if you’ve had similar discussions before.

Don’t Go On The Defensive

If your partner is angry or disappointed or upset with you, it is natural to go on the defensive. Maybe you’ll point out occasions when your partner did exactly what he or she is accusing you of.

While it may be natural, it’s also destructive – this exchange can escalate quickly, to the point where the original concern is forgotten and it becomes all about winning the battle.

This type of defensive behaviour is clearly useful when you are in actual, physical danger – but it’s of less use (if any) when you merely “feel” like you’re under threat.

So, accept that what your partner is saying angers you, for example, and that it’s a normal reaction, but put that on hold and listen to what they are saying.

It may be difficult to hear, but really think whether there is any truth to it – because if there is, then you have some work to do, and counter-blaming the other person is not the solution.

There may be a time to resolve differences of opinion, but that time is later, when you’ve both had time to calm down and are able to discuss the matter calmly and rationally.

Don’t Be Judgemental

Your partner is talking about something that matters to them, and people cannot control how they feel, so don’t judge them.

They are not on trial – they are trying to communicate something to you that they feel you need to know, they are trying to ensure they have your support, they are trying to connect with you.

Don’t Keep Doing Something Else

If your partner has something important to say (and this means important to them, of course), then you need to stop what you’re doing and listen.

If you continue playing on your phone or watching TV, it sends a very clear signal that you’re not interested in what they have to say.

And while you may think you can multitask, and listen to both the TV and to your partner, it is highly likely you’re nowhere near as good at that as you think you are.

Don’t Interrupt

Being interrupted is probably my biggest bugbear – I think it’s rude, and over time, it sends the message (or, at least, this is what I receive) that what you have to say is not important, and that, by inference, you are not important either.

Even after 20+ years, my first wife would still frequently interrupt me and try to finish my thoughts, and in almost every single case, she was wrong.

But interrupting somebody when they are trying to tell you something that’s important is worse – not only for the reasons just given, but also because it trivializes their feelings.

Don’t Focus On Only The Words

There is an oft-referenced study that was interpreted as only 7% of our message being conveyed by the words we say. The remaining 93% was split between body language (55%) and tone of voice (38%).

However, that study was specifically about how people perceive communications, and not the effectiveness of them, and has been misinterpreted for years.

This is apparently especially true when the communication is about emotions and feelings, where the non-verbal elements take precedence.

Look for incongruencies – if the person’s words say one thing, but the non-verbal elements (i.e. tone of voice and body language) say something different, then it’s possible that the words you are hearing are not telling the whole story.

Don’t Avoid Eye Contact

Eye contact is one way in which we can show somebody that we are listening to what they are saying.

I know that this may be difficult if your partner is angry at you (been there, done that), but few things will make them even angrier than if they think you’re not listening.

Don’t Listen With The Intention Of Replying

If you spend your mental energy formulating a response while your partner is talking, you will likely miss some of what they are saying to you.

Conclusion

Listening skills are a crucial part of communication, and, sadly, it’s not something we are usually taught at children.

However, these are all learnable skills – you don’t need to be born a natural empath – and if you value your relationship, as you should, then they are worth working on, for both your sakes.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Just Listen