Does Your Child Have A Right To Privacy In Your Home?

I came across an article on Facebook recently that I found really thought-provoking.

The article in question was about a teenage girl who suspected her stepmother was reading her private diary, and then did something to prove that this was in fact the case:

https://percolately.com/teen-fake-diary-entry-stepmom/

(If the above link doesn’t work, then try this archive version.)

The general consensus appears to be that what the girl did was OK, and that the stepmother was the one who was in the wrong for invading her stepdaughter’s privacy.

And I would, in this specific instance, agree with that.

What was particularly interesting, however, was a comment I saw on Facebook that related to the article.

One person wrote: “A child has no right to privacy in the home of their parents.” – which is where it gets tricky.

My late wife and I discussed a similar topic on several occasions – the idea that while your children are living under your roof, they need to live by your rules.

As a general principle, I stand by that, but of course the rules you lay down can make all the difference.

They need to be reasonable rules, and, I would suggest, ones that you can justify because they are based on common sense and evidence.

Telling your child they need to call you if they’re going to be home later than they thought is clearly a good rule because it demonstrably relates to their safety.

They may not, of course, like the rule because they may feel like you’re checking up on them and don’t trust them, but it’s hard to argue that wanting to make sure you’re safe is not something a good parent should do.

Contrast that with a clearly ridiculous rule, such as, for example, the child must only wear brown clothes.

There is no logical reason for this – it doesn’t keep them safe or achieve anything beneficial, for example – and it would therefore be difficult to justify such a rule.

In the case of the comment about children having no privacy in their parents’ home, however, then I think it’s fairly obvious that this absolute does not stand up to scrutiny – as absolutes (i.e. terms using words such as “no”, “always”, and “never”) rarely do.

Following that commenter’s thought to one absurd conclusion, a father could justify watching his teenage daughter take a bath or shower – because she has no right to privacy.

A father who did that would normally be considered perverted and maybe even a paedophile, and his daughter would have every right to be incensed by it.

And I’m sure that if I’d posited this argument to the person who wrote that comment, they’d probably agree that this would be a gross invasion of privacy – which of course immediately invalidates their argument, because the issue then becomes not one of “there is no privacy” to one of “how much privacy can a child have”.

This issue does, however, become somewhat less cut and dry in other cases.

For example, do parents have a right to know who their children are talking to, or texting, and should they be able to access their children’s phones? And does it make a difference whether the parents are paying for that phone, or the child is (e.g. from money earned via part-time jobs)?

It’s easy to justify that sort of monitoring on safety grounds, but it’s also possible that might just be a convenient excuse to do some spying.

So, back to the diary.

Does a child have a right to maintain a diary or journal that is 100% private?

Again, a parent could argue that they need to read it to make sure their child is safe – e.g. perhaps they are writing about an encounter they had with somebody in an online chat room that might lead to a dangerous situation.

I have to say, though, that this seems like a pretty flimsy excuse.

Let’s look at it another way – if your child has certain thoughts about a topic, but doesn’t write them down, do you have a right to know those thoughts?

I’m not sure how’d you’d even accomplish it, but my answer would be a firm “no”.

I get that many people, such as Christians, are familiar with the concept of “thought police”, because they believe their God knows what’s in your mind (and may even punish you for it).

But in the real world, in the society in which we currently live, there is no thought police scanning your brain for “impure” or criminal thoughts – the world portrayed in the movie Minority Report doesn’t yet exist, and I hope it never does, because it’s simply too intrusive.

I’m pretty sure most people have thoughts they’re not proud of, thoughts about committing illegal or immoral acts, but what’s key is whether you act on those thoughts or not.

I know when I was severely depressed and suicidal, over 15 years ago now, I had some thoughts that were crazy and would definitely have landed me in jail if I’d acted on them.

But sometimes, thinking such things can be a release valve in the same way that going to the gym or watching a violent movie is – these are activities that let you deal with stresses, without actually harming yourself or others.

So, how is writing down your thoughts in a diary or journal any different?

They’re still your private thoughts – they’ve simply been transcribed into a form that is accessible by yourself, later on.

While I have never been a parent, by choice, I have, of course, been a child and teenager.

And I know that I disliked being asked even innocuous questions that were not really that invasive – to the point where I stopped telling my parents things purely to avoid what I felt was the Spanish Inquisition (but without the torture devices).

If my parents had started reading something that was clearly intended to be private, such as a diary (because back in those days, nobody talked about journals in the way they do now), I would have stopped talking to them completely and it would have been nigh on impossible for them to ever regain my trust.

Because that’s what it comes down to – trust, and reading your child’s diary blatantly demonstrates a lack of it.

If you’ve done your job as a parent well, and your child knows what is and is not allowed, then you have to trust that they will behave responsibly, for the most part, at least.

As my late wife used to say, “If you ask a question, you have to be prepared for an answer you might not want to hear.“

So if you go spying in your child’s journal, you have to be ready to read thoughts and opinions about you that they may never voice out loud, but which you would probably find upsetting or even rage-inducing.

But before you say, well, you have a right to know whether your child thinks you’re rude or unfair, ask yourself this: have you ever had a “bad” thought about your child?

Have you ever cussed them out in your head, or considered them stupid or ungrateful, or any other number of judgements?

Because if so, and I suspect most parents do, then why does your child not have a right to know those thoughts?

I get that some aspects of the parent / child relationship are one-way, but I’m not sure it would apply here.

As I said above I’m not a parent and therefore don’t appreciate all the nuances of being responsible for a child, so you should definitely take what I say here with a pinch of salt.

I also acknowledge that relationships between children and step-parents, as was the case in this story, can be even more tricky.

But what you should do, I think, is consider these issues – preferably before they become actual problems – and decide how you want to deal with the whole privacy thing.

This includes setting boundaries – explicitly, of course – and having an actual discussion with your child about any house rules, and why they are there, and if your child doesn’t agree with them, listen to why they think that and consider whether there is room for manoeuvre.

At some stage, they are going to fly the coop (leaving you with a case of empty nest syndrome in all likelihood), and when that time comes (e.g. college), you are going to have to trust them, because you won’t be there all the time to watch out for them.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you want a genuine relationship with your child based on mutual trust and respect, or whether you think you are their jailer until they leave home. (And yes, I get that there are shades of grey in between here, but I assume you get the point I’m trying to make.)