22 Common Parenting Mistakes

It’s been said many times by many people, but having a child does not come with an instruction manual.

Yes, there are plenty of books that purport to tell you how to raise a child, but since everybody is different, what works for one child may not work for another.

And the sad truth is that, no matter how hard you try and how good your intentions may be, you will make mistakes.

So, what are some of the most common parenting mistakes?

This article lists a few of the ones that you should try to avoid, but this is, of course, not an exhaustive list because that would be impossible to create (or even read).

Breaking Promises

Part of a parent’s role is to help protect their children, and to do that, they have to learn to trust you and be able to rely on your support.

If you break a promise (e.g. to do something this coming weekend, to punish them for breaking house rules) then you are breaking that trust, and this can lead to larger problems later on.

There are even those who say that breaking a promise is no different to telling a lie – and it’s generally accepted that children should be brought up to be honest.

Control, Not Guidance

Parents should be there to guide and advise their children along their path to adulthood, but they should not try to force a future on them.

Just because you and your father were both doctors does not mean that’s the best or right choice for your own children – and while they may comply, it can make them exceedingly unhappy.

The same goes with interests and hobbies – just because you enjoy an activity does not mean your children will. (I actually wrote an article on this subject, which you can read here.)

Discouraging Curiosity

Children are inherently curious creatures – it’s all part of them trying to find out how the world works.

I was always being told that I asked a lot of questions but, fortunately, they didn’t try to stop me, and in fact most of my early books and games and toys were educational in nature. (The downside is that I was rarely encouraged to use my imagination or be creative, which is why balance and variety is crucial.)

These days, too, it’s so much easier for you and your children to discover the answers to the questions they have.

Humans have, over the millennia, pushed and pushed against the boundaries of what their predecessors thought they knew. It’s how progress is made. It’s how science (or, more accurately, the scientific method) discovers new facts about the universe and how it all works.

So stifling curiosity is, in my opinion, criminal – you’re robbing your child of a natural part of how they learn and grow.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

In their formative years especially, children learn by mimicking what they hear and see, so if you want your children to behave in a certain way, you should set a good example for them.

If you tell them to do something that you clearly do not do, they are going to wonder why – and you probably won’t have a good answer should they ask.

Focusing On Material Things

It is said that children (and people in general) remember how you made them feel more than what you bought or gave them.

What this means is that you should try to create a happy, supportive environment for them, creating pleasant memories that will last them a lifetime.

You should also let them experience as much of the world as they can. This might mean trips out, such as nature walks, shows, the zoo or aquarium, exposure to different cultures, even volunteering), as long as they are within your means.

Too many parents, particularly fathers, although with the way society works today, it’s probably more true of mothers too, miss out on so much because of their jobs, and while I accept that finding good jobs, and keeping them, is becoming more and more difficult, I’ve always wondered why people have children if they’re never there to see them grow and develop.

So, yes, the mythical work / life balance is important, and only you can work out what is appropriate for your family, but do you really want to be a parent who regrets the time they never spent with their kids, when it’s too late to do anything about it?

It’s also important to note that children start taking all of these things in long before they can talk – they’re like little sponges, soaking in everything that is said and done around them, in their quest to understand how the world around them.

Gossiping About Your Children

If your children ever find out that things they told you in confidence are being shared with others (e.g. other family members outside the home, neighbours, friends), you will lose their trust and they may never confide in you ever again.

Ignoring Your Children’s Boundaries

Every human should have the right to set their own boundaries (assuming that does not infringe on the rights of others, of course), and that therefore applies to your children.

Their boundaries might involve how and when they want to be touched or hugged or kissed (which can be especially important to children who are autistic and/or suffer from sensory processing disorder, for example), how close others can come to them, and, when they are older, when you may enter their bedroom.

It also includes respecting what they say. If you are playing with them, tickling them, or some sort of rough and tumble, and they ask you to stop, you need to stop.

If you don’t, then not only can you be perceived as a bully, but it may teach your children that, if you don’t need to respect other people’s boundaries, then neither do they, which means they too may become a bully.

Inappropriate Discipline

Just as with the criminal justice system, where there are misdemeanours and there are felonies, children too can commit both minor and major infractions.

If it’s a major issue (e.g. they stole from the supermarket or broke into somebody’s house), then you clearly need them to understand that what they did was wrong (and maybe illegal), and you should use whatever means you choose to dissuade them from ever doing that again.

But if it’s minor, is yelling at them really the right response?

You might get them to correct their behaviour now, but they may become afraid to tell you anything in future because they think you’ll yell at them.

As with so much in life, it’s really a case of choosing which battles you want to fight.

Incorrect Praise

Of course parents want to praise their children and encourage them to grow, but there is a right way and a wrong way to do this.

In summary, you should try to praise the effort they made rather than their innate characteristics, but if you want to read more about this, you can do so here.

Indoctrination

There are many things that parents need to teach their children for their own safety (e.g. don’t touch hot things, don’t play with matches, don’t play in the road, don’t steal, issues of law), but this is not what I mean by indoctrination.

Where it gets dangerous is when parents try to force their own opinions on their children about subjective issues (e.g. politics, religion).

Ideally, a parent should expose their children (at an appropriate age when they can reason for themselves) to differing perspectives, and let them make up their own minds – because the world is not black and white but an infinite number of shades of grey.

Involving Children In Adult Matters

Part of parenting is educating your children about the world and society, but that does not mean you need to expose them to matters that are outside their control.

For example, if you are experiencing financial hardship (e.g. maybe your car is about to be repossessed, or your electricity is going to be turned off), does it benefit your child to be involved in those discussions – or to see you and your partner arguing about it?

At some stage, of course, children need to learn the practicalities of life, such as having to pay bills. However, young children are probably not ready for some of those discussions, and while your attempts to include them may seem laudable, you could be creating problems for them without knowing it.

Lack Of Justification

I suspect there isn’t a parent alive who, at some stage, hasn’t said, “Because I said so” to their children.

The problem with this approach is that it teaches your children blind obedience to authority, which can go terribly wrong.

A better approach is always to explain why you won’t let them do something, or why you insist that they do do something, or why something is wrong.

This way, they can understand the rationale and then apply that thinking to similar circumstances in future.

It will also lead them to not accepting similar statement when they are adults, and becoming mindless robots, obeying somebody for no other reason than the fact they have a different job title or are wearing a white coat, for example.

Lying

This is generally considered an unacceptable behaviour, because dishonesty usually leads to other problems – but it’s not a simple black or white issue, of course.

For example, some may consider the “white lie” to be an exception to this rule, but you need to consider the fact that even lies told with the best of intentions still have consequences.

So, let’s say your family pet dies. What should you tell your child?

Well, you could go down one common route, talking about how they’re in a better place / Heaven (or the pet equivalent).

The problem with this approach is that you cannot provide proof of that – and when your child finds out, later on, that you lied about it, even though you did it to try to protect them from painful emotions, they may resent you for it.

Or you could take the honest path and tell them the truth. At some stage, you’re going to have to explain what death is to your children, so the only real questions are how, and when?

If you take this approach, there is a danger that they will develop phobias about losing people they love and become clingy (this happened to somebody I knew when his grandfather died).

(I actually have an article here that talks about how to cope with the loss of a pet.)

But the larger question still remains – do you lie to your children or don’t you, and if, about what?

Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy are all lies – intended to add fun and enchantment to children’s lives, and yet these are socially acceptable lies. And for the most part, they typically don’t cause issues as adults.

Religion, on the other hand, where children are told they are sinful and may burn in Hell for all eternity, is not a “fun” lie – it can and does scar people mentally for years, maybe even their entire lives.

The bottom line is that, as parents, you get to make a lot of choices on behalf of your children, and as you know your kids better than anybody, it is up to you to decide when they’re old enough to understand certain facts of life. You just need to think very carefully before telling any sort of lie, because there will likely be some repercussions later on.

Making Stuff Up

I’m not talking here about making up bedtime stories on the fly – I mean making up an answer to your child’s question when you don’t know the answer.

There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t know the answer to something, and these days, it’s so easy to say to your child something like, “I don’t know. Why don’t we go and find out the answer together?”

When I was young, that would have meant a trip to the town library, which was a major inconvenience, but today, with the Internet, there is almost nothing you cannot find out for yourself from the comfort of your own home in just a few minutes.

Never Arguing

I never saw my parents argue – ever.

By “arguing”, I’m including standing up for yourself and being assertive, as well as differences of opinion. My mother, who was no doubt a product of her time, was, as far as I could tell, submissive and more or less did whatever my father demanded of her, and my father seemed to think that being male gave him rights over his wife, she being “just a female”. Yes, he was, amongst many other things, a male chauvinist, an attitude I like to think I did not inherit.

I don’t know whether they argued when I wasn’t there or not, or whether my mum ever put her foot down in terms of how she was treated, but what I do know is that it taught me that arguing and not standing up for yourself were not things you should do.

In a similar vein, if you are constantly fighting, then you can grow up thinking that this is how relationships are meant to work, which is what happened with a friend of mine.

Not Apologizing

It’s been said that the only people who never make mistakes are those who never do anything (although you could argue that never doing anything is a mistake all by itself), and when you make a mistake that affects others, you should apologize.

If you never let your children know that you made a mistake or did something wrong and you never say sorry for it, they may grow up to assume that behaviour is acceptable, and, of course, it’s not.

I know there are people who say that apologizing is a sign of weakness, but I think the opposite is true – owning up to a problem and being genuinely sorry for the effect it had on others takes a certain courage and character.

Not Paying Attention To Your Children

By this, I’m talking primarily about not listening to what they say. (Yes, it goes without saying you should keep an eye on them when you’re out in public, for example.)

Specifically, if your child tells you they don’t feel well, it’s incumbent on you to investigate and see whether there is a problem or not – and, if it’s appropriate, take them to the doctor or hospital.

More subtly, however, children often won’t tell you that something is bothering them – they might, instead, ask you to play with them. So, you need to be aware of such cues and react accordingly.

And, of course, you probably don’t need me to tell you that each child has their own individual personality, so each of your three children, say, may handle the same situation in completely different ways.

Lastly, here, it is vital you take action if your child says they are being molested, whether it’s by another family member (which is shockingly common), or by any other person. Not dealing with this type of issue immediately can cause serious issues later on.

Protecting Your Children From Failures

Although we all want to succeed, and most parents want their children to be successful, it is often the case that we learn more from our failures than we do from our successes.

Experiencing failure (e.g. not achieving what you set out to achieve) and learning lessons from those experiences to avoid making them again in future is how we grow and become better – both as people and in terms of the skills and knowledge we acquire.

As Thomas Edison apparently said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

And for your children, it may sound harsh, but letting them know what disappointment feels like early on in life will actually give them better coping skills when they grow older, because they will see that it’s OK to fail and that it’s a necessary stage in improving.

Shielding Your Children From Responsibilities

Of course, I’m not talking about issues such as having them pay the electricity bill, but not giving your children household chores, for example, can be a big mistake, because they can grow up feeling entitled (because everything was done for them as a child) and/or not knowing how to do some of the basics of survival (e.g. cooking, cleaning, gardening, laundry).

Naturally, the chore should be age-appropriate, and one of them should probably be making sure they are responsible for keeping their room tidy (and, later on, clean).

You can obviously start small (e.g. taking their dishes to the sink after they’ve eaten), and build up to larger, more complex, more responsible tasks as they grow older.

Sticking To Gender Stereotypes

There is nothing to say that boys have to wear blue and girls pink, or that girls can’t play with action figures instead of dolls.

And while boys wanting to wear female clothes is relatively rare, it does not necessarily mean they will become gay, any more than a girl who chooses not to wear make-up and clothes that are usually defined as being feminine will turn them into a lesbian.

Children learn through play, and through the experience of trying things out for themselves, so forcing them to adopt gender-based roles is going to leave them frustrated and resentful.

Stifling Their Emotions

This has historically applied more to boys than girls, but it undoubtedly happens with both genders, but saying things like “boys don’t cry” or “expressing your emotions makes you look weak” is, ultimately, harmful.

All humans have emotions, regardless of whether they are male or female, and trying to pretend they don’t is simply not sensible.

We feel what we feel, so what we should be teaching our children is how to respond to those feelings.

Bottling emotions up is, in my experience, not a good idea, and it’s one way to give your children mental health issues later on in life.

Trying To Be Your Children’s Friend

Your role, as a parent, is about keeping them safe, while they are in your care, and teaching them how to stand on their own two feet in life and become responsible adults.

This therefore includes setting ground rules (e.g. no lying, no stealing) and disciplining them appropriately when they break those rules.

Whether they like it or not, while they are living under your roof, they are living under your rules, so even though they may hate you for it at the time, you need to be the enforcer.

This does not mean, of course, that you should be actively hostile to them, but if it’s ever a choice between being their friend or being their protector, the latter should win every time.

Conclusion

There are so many things you can do wrong when being a parent, especially with your first child, but I hope the above tips at least help you to avoid some of the more common mistakes.

It’s my belief that it’s impossible to do a perfect job of raising a child – it’s like constantly walking a tightrope as you try to balance your choices.

As long as you do your best, and you are adequately able to explain why you made the choices you made, I don’t see how you can do any better.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Books That Teach Children About Death
2. Giving Your Children Control