14 Tips For Creating A Successful Stepfamily

While stepfamilies face many unique challenges, the good news is that they are usually successful in adapting to their new roles, even though it does take open and clear communication as well as patience.

The parents may need to reconcile feelings about their previous partners and overcome the kind of stereotypes reinforced by Snow White movies.

Children, on the other hand, have to deal with a wide variety of losses, caused by forces that are outside of their control.

Most people never plan on being part of a stepfamily, but these things happen, more often than you might think, but it can work, and the following tips may help you navigate this potential minefield.

Tips For Adapting As A Couple

1. Prioritize your relationship. You need a strong connection with each other to form a firm foundation for your stepfamily. Strengthening your relationship increases your chances for developing a stable and satisfying family life, for you and your children, so appreciate each other and don’t forget to schedule regular date nights.
2. Work as a team. You should make major decisions together, and share responsibilities. Also, you need to create a united front – children are well known for playing one parent off against the other, and in a stepfamily this can be even more important while the stepparent is trying to integrate into the household.
3. Stay Positive. Children usually benefit from maintaining a close relationship with both of their biological parents. This means you need to make it easy for them to interact with the parent who is no longer present in the household. You should also resist the urge to say anything negative about your ex-spouse (and this applies to the stepparent too – you should not denigrate your partner’s former spouse).
4. Seek support. You are far from being alone, as the results from a Pew Research Center study shows – more than 40% of American adults have at least one step-relative. If you need help, you could try connecting with other stepparents you know, or you could look for a support group, either in your neighbourhood or online.
5. Learn more. It may also help to educate yourself about issues that stepfamilies often experience. Visit your local library or browse through resources provided by organizations such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center. (Note that this resource is specifically geared toward the USA. Similar organizations, such as HappySteps in the UK, also exist, but you’ll need to do a bit of research to find them for your country or area.)
6. Try counselling. If you need additional help, you can talk with a therapist who specializes in family relationships and blended families. The best way to do this is to ask family and friends, who’ve been through this themselves, for referrals, or you could call the psychology department at your local university for recommendations.

Tips For Adapting As A Family

1. Take your time. As much as you love your partner, you’ll probably need to be patient when it comes to bonding with each other’s children. Don’t get discouraged if you get off to a rocky start, because that doesn’t mean things won’t get better over time. This is especially true if the children are older, or you only see them part-time.
2. Acknowledge losses. You need to give your stepchildren space to grieve. They’ve not only lost their family but also their familiar routines. They may be coping with the aftermath of divorce or even death, and they may be spending less time with one of their biological parents.
3. Reach out. You can encourage healing by showing an interest and listening to your stepchild when they try to talk with you. If they seem willing to share more information, you should start by asking open-ended questions. (This article might be helpful here.)
4. Spend time together. Block out time in your schedule for family activities and one-on-one sessions with each child in your new blended family (including, of course, any children you brought into the family, because you don’t want them to feel left out). Have fun together and let them teach you about their hobbies and interests.
5. Clarify rules. If your children are dividing their time between two homes with different rules, then having a consistent set of rules is helpful, although other arrangements can succeed if you avoid making judgments. It’s usually more effective to let the biological parent take the lead with discipline, especially when you’re just starting out.
6. Set boundaries. Affection may take time, but each family member is entitled to respect and civility. It may also help to provide personal space, so your stepchild has their own bedroom or designated areas where they can store their things and feel at home.
7. Mediate differences. Sibling rivalry is natural in any family, but the situation may be aggravated in a stepfamily, so, as much as possible, try to coach your children through how to settle their conflicts, and provide a positive role model for them (since children learn by mimicking how others behave).
8. Understand legal issues. As is always the case, you need to be prepared for medical emergencies and similar situations. Knowing your legal rights and responsibilities (which may be subtly different in the case of stepfamilies) may help you to keep your blended family safe and well.

Conclusion

Your new family will be different from your old one, but different does not mean worse – it can still be happy and rewarding, and usually is, given time.

However, you do need to put in the effort, be patient, respect everybody’s feelings, and more, but if you do, then it is entirely possible to build healthy and supportive relationships that will help your stepfamily to thrive.

Although the divorce statistics make for sad reading – all those relationships that people thought would be for life terminated too soon – the good news is, from the stepparents’ perspective, more and more people are in some sort of step-relationship, which means it’s more normal and easier to find help.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. HappySteps (UK only)
2. National Stepfamily Resource Center (USA only)
3. Smart Stepfamily