10 Tips For Parents Whose Child Starts Dating

As a parent, there are likely many milestones during your child’s growth that you will not be looking forwaard to – and one of those is when your little girl or boy has been showing an interest in somebody of the opposite sex.

They may blush when talking about them and, if they are close enough to you, they may have been asking random questions about the things boys or girls like.

And finally, they tell you that they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend.

Were you ready for this? (Probably not, the first time!)

Do you know what to say or do to make this experience a good one for your child?

It’s possible this news is not very welcome, perhaps because you feel it was too soon, or you don’t approve of their choice.

Here are some do’s and don’ts that can act as a guide to a healthy relationship with your child in this new and exciting phase of their life.

Do understand that it is okay for them to start earlier than you expected.

It’s natural for parents to continue seeing their children as babies, and you might think back to when you started dating and consider them too young.

However, children are maturing faster these days – physically, at least – and so it’s not unusual for them to start dating sooner than you first did, two or more decades ago.

Do show a healthy kind of interest.

At the very least, try to get to know your child’s girlfriend or boyfriend, ask about the kind of person they are, and if possible meet with them.

They will give you hints (or maybe something stronger) if they feel you are overstepping but the basic act of getting to know them not only makes you more at ease, because it eliminates the mystery of who your child is associating with, but is also important for them not to feel like they are doing something wrong.

Do teach them how to be safe.

You want your child to have positive and enjoyable experiences, but you also want them to be safe from all kinds of heartbreaks and other traps that they may fall into all in the name of love.

You can try sharing with them your own experiences of what you learned, and give them a balanced perspective on love and sex. (Yes, people are often having sex at a younger age than you might have done, so it’s important to address this too, especially in terms of safety with respect to both STDs and pregnancy.)

The goal here is to reduce the risk of them blindly leading each other into a ditch while trying to figure everything out themselves.

Do take it easy – this is a relationship, not marriage.

Don’t get too serious about their relationship – you need to let your child find their footing in the relationship, but you should also be ready to support them if (or, more likely, when) the relationship ends.

Do teach them self-love.

Make sure your child values themselves before they try to value the next person, because this can help shield them from being influenced into indulging in activities they aren’t sure about or ready for.

Very early in their lives, teach them self-love and boost their confidence at all times and they will be sure to know how to boldly say “no” to people – including their girlfriend or boyfriend when they start dating.

(You might find this article, about developing positive self-esteem in children, useful.)

Hear what their purpose of dating is.

It helps to teach them the purpose of love and relationships early, but when they eventually get into it, hear what they have to say.

This will be a mixture of what you taught them and their thinking.

Freely allow them to express themselves, and gently correct them where you think they miss the mark.

Do let them know that they can talk to you about anything.

They may reject your extended hand at first because they regard you as old-fashioned or too rigid, but their knowing you are always available to hear them out and advise them will make all the difference should they encounter problems they don’t know how to solve.

Just remember to try not to be judgemental.

Don’t be too excited.

Please, never start calling your child’s date your daughter- or son-in-law, or any such forward-suggesting titles because this may put a heavy burden on their young love.

Accepting and approving their relationship is good enough, while being overly excited about it will also make it difficult for them to tell you in case it doesn’t work out.

Plus, you have to make sure your child continues to have a balanced life that does not revolve entirely around their dating.

Do not be overly suspicious.

As your child grows, he or she may want to keep some stuff secret, such as where they hang out with their friends and partners.

You should continue to encourage them not to get into trouble and teach them how to stay safe – but do not be too suspicious about what they do because once they sense that, they may well conclude you mistrust them.

And young people who feel they are not trusted usually become distant with that particular parent or, worse still, end up giving up on doing good.

Don’t embarrass them.

This is a sensitive time for your child’s ego so for starters you might want to stop calling them pet names they have outgrown, unless of course, they like them.

If they ask you to stop calling them baby, cutie, dolly, or whatever sweet name you had for them, it means they feel they have outgrown it – so do them the favour of dropping it.

Listen to them, pay attention to their body language, and do stop doing things that embarrass them.

Above all else, listen to your child and they are sure to guide you regarding their preferred do’s and don’ts.

Conclusion

Be a step ahead all the time so that while your child is still a baby, you are thinking about how you will handle them as a toddler.

And years before they become a teenager, ask yourself crucial questions about the kind of teen you want to raise and how you can do that.

Also, think back to when you started dating – how did your parents handle it, what did they do or say that you liked, what did they do or say that you didn’t like or found embarrassing, how did you feel, what do you wish you had been told first?

Using your own experiences (and those of your partner, which may be more relevant depending on the gender of your child) may help you steer your boy or girl in the most helpful direction.

In short, let nothing find you unaware – prepare, imagine, and prepare some more.

And finally, there’s one more subject you really should consider in advance – how will you react if it turns out your child wants to date somebody of the same gender?

I know this can be awkward for many people, especially those who follow a religion where same-sex relationships are frowned upon, but it’s a topic you may be forced to deal with.

You can either damage your relationship with your child, perhaps for ever, or you can accept that there is never anything wrong with consensual love or sex (although local laws may determine what is legal or illegal, which is nothing to do with morally right or wrong).

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Talking To Teenagers About Sex
2. Teaching Children About Sex