How To Find True Love – Lesson 3.1 – What’s Your Programming?

Welcome to Module 3 of the “How To Find True Love” course!

Every relationship has high times and low times. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is with the family you grew up with, work, friends, or with your partner.

In this module, we’ll expand on some of the information you’ve learned. We’ll also discuss strategies of how to handle the challenges in your relationship.

Preparation will make everything easier. Learning key strategies will keep bumps in the road from becoming deep holes that are difficult to climb out of.

Let’s Get Started On Lesson 15

You’ve discovered how your childhood family influenced your relationships. You learned ways of relating, how to respond to love and to anger, beliefs about every part of your life, and whether you feel valuable or not.

As much as you’ve worked on overcoming negative patterns, there is one specific time they pop up again: during times of stress. Stress can throw you back into the past.

Reverting to unhealthy behaviour patterns can damage your relationship, which is why it’s important to prepare for times of stress so you can respond in a healthy and supportive manner.

Do You Respond Or React To Life’s Challenges?

There are four basic ways people act when something uncomfortable is happening in their relationship:

1. Attack. Attacking is an instinctive reaction when you feel that you must defend yourself. Hence, the common name of “defensiveness”. Attacking most often occurs by those who were treated harshly when they were growing up.
   • As an adult, they defend themselves by attacking to prevent being hurt emotionally or physically.
   • Even if they aren’t in physical danger, they revert back to childhood and feel that they are in danger.
2. Retreat. You can retreat emotionally or physically. When you retreat, you either withdraw into yourself or physically leave the area.
   • Retreating is not a punishment to the other person. It’s a method of emotional survival.
3. Freeze. Freezing is the “deer caught in the headlights” reaction. The incident produces so much fear that the person simply shuts down and is incapable of responding. Freezing is also a protective response.
4. Respond. The first three ways of handling stress are reflexive actions. When you respond, you take a deep breath, wait, and then choose how to handle the situation.
   • Responding engages the rational and emotional parts of your brain. When you respond, you have a better chance of preventing the situation from escalating.

When you react by attacking, withdrawing, or freezing, you’ve reverted to childhood.

There are several ways to break this pattern:

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