How To Find True Love – Lesson 2.1 – Unknown Influences In Relationships

Welcome to Module 2 of the “How To Find True Love” course!

In this module you’ll be moving beyond the subconscious and physiological influences involved in selecting a partner.

You’ll be looking at what you consciously want in a partner. Each lesson will guide you closer to discovering what you want in a relationship when the butterflies in your stomach quit flitting around.

The last lesson will be an in-depth survey of what is most important to you. You’ll end up with a list of the qualities in an individual which are “must haves” for you to be happy. You’ll also know what you absolutely do not want in a partner.

Let’s Get Started On Lesson 8

You might think everybody wants the same thing in a relationship – but you would be mistaken.

You might think that, at least, everybody wants to be loved. Even that “love song” goal of relationships is not the primary desire for everybody.

Yes, the initial feelings of infatuation may draw one person to another, but that may not be what they want for a long-term partnership.

Written And Unwritten Contracts

Usually, when others speak of a contract, they’re referring to a contract for a home, car, or business partnership. You probably wouldn’t think of a contract in a relationship or marriage unless you signed a prenuptial agreement.

In relationships, most “contracts” are unwritten. They’re based upon assumptions one person has for the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with having assumptions of what will happen in your relationship as long as you both know what they are.

Challenges pop up when relationship assumptions are unknown to the other partner. Often, the one with the assumptions doesn’t even know they have them.

Let’s look at some common assumptions:

1. Take care of me like Mum or Dad did. When you’re living at home, you get used to what your parents do for you. People usually expect male partners to care for them like Dad did and female partners to care for them like Mum did.
   • This is a subconscious expectation because you are used to what you parents or primary caretakers did. You subconsciously expect it from your partner.
   • When you’re not cared for in the way you became accustomed, something seems missing.
   • You may feel that your partner doesn’t love you because they didn’t have dinner ready for you at a certain time or didn’t check all the locks before bed. After all, this is how your parents demonstrated their love.
2. I’ll take care of you like I’m used to. This one is more complex because it involves how your parents took care of you and each other, as well as how you took care of them or your siblings.
   • Your parents model for you how to treat your partner. It doesn’t matter if your parents were together your entire childhood. You watch what happens and the behaviour is imprinted into your subconscious mind. This is one reason why those who see a parent abuse the other can become an abuser.
   • If you witnessed behaviour between your parents you didn’t like, make a conscious decision to be different. Know how your behaviour will be different. See it in your mind and act it out in your relationships.
   • How were you expected to care for your parents and siblings? This can be on a physical or an emotional level. How you cared for your family members is ingrained in you as a habit.
3. Show your support for me. Everybody wants to feel supported by their partner. The challenge comes in the differing views of how support should be shown.
   • For example, “If you love me, if you support me, you will always agree with me.” However, if support means always agreeing with the other, there will be major challenges in the relationship. Nobody is going to agree with anybody all of the time.

Unwritten contracts, or assumptions, are in every area of life. They range from the general to the specific. If you are surprised at another’s behaviour because you would have done it differently, you’ve been introduced to one of your assumptions.

Not Everything In A Relationship Is Learned

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