How To Find True Love – Lesson 1.1 – Is It Love Or Is It Oxytocin?

Welcome to the “How To Find True Love” course!

Course Summary

Most romantic relationships begin with that “butterflies in the stomach I can’t live without you” feeling.

And that is actually a chemical reaction you feel in your body which pulls you toward the other person – it’s infatuation, not love, but it can move into love.

In this course, you’ll learn the chemistry within you that contributes to these strong feelings and how that chemistry can lead you astray. You’ll also discover the type of person you truly want and how to identify them.

The 21 lessons, in three modules, will guide you through the infatuation stage of a relationship. to understanding why you were drawn to that person. You will then engage in the process to identify the type of person who is ideally suited to you.

Here is the overall course structure:

• Module 1
  • 1.1 – Is It Love Or Is It Oxytocin?
  • 1.2 – Childhood Reverberations
  • 1.3 – Beware Of The Need To Fill The Emptiness Within
  • 1.4 – The Soul Mate Myth
  • 1.5 – The Role Of Past Relationships
  • 1.6 – Un-Crushing The Crush
  • 1.7 – Do You Love You?
• Module 2
  • 2.1 – Unknown Influences In Relationships
  • 2.2 – What’s Important – Physical Or Emotional Intimacy?
  • 2.3 – Will You Communicate With Me?
  • 2.4 – Sexuality And Sensuality
  • 2.5 – What’s Your Love Language?
  • 2.6 – The Challenge Of Change
  • 2.7 – What Do You Want Most?
• Module 3
  • 3.1 – What’s Your Programming?
  • 3.2 – Is It A Mistake Or A Pattern?
  • 3.3 – What Are Your Non-Negotiables?
  • 3.4 – Confronting Hurt And Disappointment
  • 3.5 – Can You Forgive And Forget?
  • 3.6 – Relationships Are Wonderful
  • 3.7 – Strategies To Keep The Spark Alive

Note that the last lesson in each module also includes the Module Summary.

Every relationship has ups and downs. The pain of disappointment feels very personal, yet it is part of every relationship. You will learn to navigate these difficulties and discover whether the problems are simply bumps in the road or signs of impending disaster.

You’ll finish this course with a checklist of what qualities are most important for you in a life partner. You’ll also have information on basic skills in communication, managing feelings, and identifying potential challenges in a relationship.

In this course, you’ll learn how:

• The chemistry of your body contributes to infatuation
• Your family programmed your relationships
• Your self-esteem attracts you to others
• The qualities you want in a life partner are often ignored
• To show someone you love them in the way they want
• To identify and handle the most common challenges in early relationships

In order to get the most from this course, please take advantage of everything that’s provided for you.

In addition to the lessons with focused activities to help guide you to success, be sure to check the Additional Resources section for each lesson. You’ll find articles, affirmations, worksheets, and other handouts to help you in your journey, as well as other resources you can check out for more information.

While you could in theory dip into lessons as you see fit, you will gain far more benefit by following the lessons in order.

Are There Any Prerequisites For This Course?

There are no prerequisites for this course. It’s open to anybody who desires to know more about what contributes to the success or the disaster of romantic relationships.

Your success in this course depends on your ability to put the information into action. The information is simple, but understanding the information is insufficient – it’s important to do the exercises and implement the strategies in your life.

What Are The Course Benefits?

• You’ll discover why you’re attracted to certain people.
• You’ll identify family patterns which contribute to your relationships.
• You’ll discover the qualities you most want in a life partner.
• You’ll learn basic communication patterns and ways to demonstrate your love.
• You’ll discover the difference between sex, sexuality, sensuality, and the role each plays.
• You’ll learn to identify potential relationship challenges and how to handle them.

Who Is This Course Intended For?

This course is geared toward those who want to discover more about the growth of relationships and how to move into a healthy long-term relationship.

This will assist people who wonder why they choose the wrong person and help them learn how to make choices that better suit them.s

Now, Without Further Ado, Let’s Jump Into Module 1

Love at first sight or love at first sound – has it happened to you?

In this module you’ll learn how the body manufactures chemicals to “make” you fall in love. You’ll also explore how your family history can result in painful patterns feeling comfortable to you.

Finally, you’ll learn the truth about soulmates and the role your self-esteem plays in selecting a life partner.

Ready To Start Lesson 1?

Welcome to the course! You’ll discover a lot about falling in love and building a relationship that lasts, so let’s jump in to this first lesson…

You read about it in books, you sing about it in songs. Romantic movies are based upon it. You’ve probably felt it yourself. The “it” is love’s first bite, that feeling of being head over heels in love with somebody.

The Biology Of Infatuation

You may call those first powerful feelings of attraction love – but they’re not.

Infatuation, the first stage of a love relationship, is your body playing tricks on you, and this is how:

• Your body produces chemicals which affect your emotions and convinces you that your soulmate has arrived.
• Your physical body is primed to have you find somebody to mate with, to form a relationship so that reproduction and continuation of humanity will occur.
• The biology of love doesn’t care whether the person will be an excellent life-long partner. That’s your job. Your biology simply brings you together.
• Infatuation is an initial aspect in most, if not all, romantic relationships – no matter the sexual orientation.
• Infatuation occurs for most at the beginning of a relationship. For others, it may occur in the midst of a deep friendship which moves to romance.

The Chemical Nature Of Infatuation

Falling in love is exciting! Remember the last crush you had? Remember how powerful those feelings were?

You might be surprised to learn that those feelings were actually caused by chemical reactions in your body.

The chemicals your body creates when strongly attracted to another activate portions of the limbic brain, the part of the brain that creates emotions.

See how it works:

1. In the case of infatuation, phenylethylamines are produced by the brain. These lead to the euphoric feeling often experienced by “falling in love”.
   • Phenylethylamine stimulates the production of other chemicals such as endorphins, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
   • These result in feelings of euphoria and increased feelings of energy and joy, which are all feelings associated with being in love.
2. Once dopamine enters the picture, oxytocin follows.
   • Oxytocin increases the desire for cuddling and touch. It’s also known as the bonding hormone, increasing the feelings of connection to others. And the more you cuddle, the more oxytocin is produced.
   • Oxytocin is a crucial chemical in long-term bonding with partners, spouses, and children – it’s not just for the early stages of a relationship.
3. Chemicals act on certain parts of the brain. These “love” chemicals act upon the pleasure centres of the brain as well as those that control sexual response and aggression.
   • This is why infatuation leads to the strong desire to have sex as well as the negative aggressive effects of jealousy.
   • Physically, the person feeling “in love” experiences increased heart rate and blood pressure, a loss in appetite, and an increased sense of well-being.
   • Emotionally, this state of euphoria blocks seeing the faults everybody else can see. Oh, the arguments and family conflicts this can produce!

Romance Addiction

The chemical high produced during infatuation can lead to a form of addiction known as Romance Addiction.

Although not an officially recognized addiction according to the American Psychiatric Association, many therapists treat it as a debilitating problem leading to failed relationships and deeply unhappy people.

When a relationship moves from the infatuation stage, the “love” chemicals decrease markedly or disappear. However, a Romance Addict has to have that chemical high in a relationship. They equate love with this high.

As a result, the Romance Addict attempts to recreate the chemical high of infatuation by moving from relationship to relationship.

The passion of infatuation is not the deep, abiding love of a long-term relationship. If individuals continue to look for the high of infatuation, they will never discover the true heart connection found in a love commitment.

Love At First Sight

You may ask, “But what about all the stories of love at first sight?”

Yes, there are those wonderful stories where love begins at first sight and develops into long-term relationships that last decades.

However, you usually only hear the success stories. Unless the individuals involved are celebrities, you won’t hear the failure stories. And, unfortunately, the world abounds with “exes” who mistakenly thought they had found love at first sight.

Recent research shows:

• The intensity of infatuation feelings do not appear to be predictors of long-term love.
• In fact, some studies show that the more intense the initial feelings, the less likely the relationship is to continue long-term.

Un-Crushing The Crush

Because the chemical nature of infatuation can be as strong as an amphetamine high, the pain of a relationship ending is similar to withdrawal from a drug.

Not only is there emotional pain, but there can also be physical pain. Some experts liken the withdrawal feelings at the ending of a “crush” to those of withdrawal from heroin.

Despite the chemical reactions going on in your body, these strategies will help you to move through a loss of a relationship:

1. Be with others.
2. Exercise to produce natural endorphins.
3. Avoid dwelling on the person you lost.
4. Time.

We’ll discuss these strategies in detail in a later lesson, so hang in there.

Summary

You’ve discovered:

• Those powerful and amazing experiences of the initial stage of falling in love are chemical reactions in your brain.
• Some people actually become addicted to the brain chemicals and form what is called Relationship Addiction.
• Research shows the more intense those initial “falling in love” feelings, the less likely the relationship will last.
• The brain chemicals are what makes breaking up so painful.

In the next lesson you’ll learn how your early family life leads you to be attracted to certain types of people.

But first, before you start the next lesson, please take a few moments for reflection.

Reflection

Answer the following questions on a scale of 1 – 5. What do your answers tell you about you or your relationships?

1 (not at all)
2 (somewhat)
3 (in the middle)
4 (Pretty much)
5 (Completely)

1. How much do I need the “high” of infatuation?
2. Do I believe in the chemical nature of infatuation?
3. For me, is the relationship over if the intensity of feelings is gone?

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. True Love Lights Up My Life

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