How To Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship – Lesson 9 – Building Intimacy Beyond Conflict

Welcome to Lesson #9 of my “How to Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship” course!

Have you ever watched an argument between you and your partner turn into two monologues where both of you are talking, but neither is listening?

Building intimacy and falling in love feels easy. Knowing how to keep the love alive does not feel as natural.

It’s easy to either give up on the relationship when things get hard or settle because you love your partner.

Remember that disagreements are unavoidable. What you can control is the way you respond to conflict. Instead of settling when things get hard, the disagreements you have can become a way for you to understand each other better, learn, and grow.

When you learn how to build intimacy beyond conflict, you’ll see that the content of the disagreements isn’t what’s most important. You’ll see how behind the content, what matters is:

1. The way you respond.
2. What your triggers/patterns are.
3. How you resolve the conflict.
4. Respond with honesty and openness!
5. The relationship is more important than a need to be right.
6. Listening can be a demonstration of love.

Here’s What You Can Learn About Communication In Conflict

The Gottman Institute uses The Four Horsemen as a metaphor to describe communication styles that predict the end of a relationship.

To build closeness with your partner, discuss The Four Horsemen. Talk about how these communication styles have shown up for you in the past or present.

Think about the arguments you’ve had with your partner or others. What is the default way you respond?

Disagreements are a natural part of relationships. You might find yourself responding to an argument in one of these four ways.

Implement the techniques below to help you manage your own feelings, learn more about your partner, and build trust in the relationship:

1. Criticism. Criticism shows up as an attack on your partner’s character.
   • Express a positive need. Use an “I” statement to talk about how you are feeling and what you need to feel better.
2. Contempt. Contempt is criticism from a position of superiority. It is a level beyond criticism and the greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt shows up as comments that make one partner seem superior to the other.
   • Build a “culture of appreciation”. Integrate it into your routine to express affection, gratitude, and appreciation for your partner.
3. Defensiveness. Defensiveness is a reversal or deflection of blame. While defensiveness comes from trying to protect yourself, it has the potential to escalate the conflict.
   • Take responsibility. Even if you only accept responsibility for part of the conflict, you can admit your role and work towards a compromise.
4. Stonewalling. Stonewalling is when one partner completely withdraws from the conversation.
   • TTake a break. Research has found that couples who take a 30-minute break during an argument returned to the discussion in a more productive way. When you feel overwhelmed, ask for at least 20 minutes so you can both distract yourselves from the conversation and calm down.

The way you resolve disagreements with your partner can save your relationship.

At the end of the conversation, revisit the reasons why you started the relationship in the first place. It was probably because you and your partner wanted to support each other’s growth.

Ask your partner how you can support them.

You will not always agree with each other. But you can both learn how to manage those uncomfortable feelings during a disagreement.

JOIN FREE FOR 14 DAYS

Self Help Nirvana is an online community for everybody whose goal is personal improvement and development. Become a Self Help Nirvana member today and get access to everything here at SelfHelpNirvana.com!

Already a member? Sign in.