How To Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship – Lesson 3 – Self-Intimacy And Its Impact On The Relationship

Welcome to Lesson #3 of my “How to Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship” course!

To build a truly healthy, intimate relationship, start with your relationship with yourself. When you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you trust yourself more, find it easier to empathize with your partner, and are able to communicate your needs.

When you know your own needs and wants, you can work with your partner to create a shared set of rules in your relationship. If one or both partners don’t know what they need, things get overlooked. And that’s where resentment often comes into play.

Sometimes, when our relationship with ourselves is unhealthy, we project our fantasies onto our partner. This leads to obstacles to building intimacy, like trying to manipulate or control our partner. It can also lead to having unrealistic expectations and being disappointed when they are not met.

However, when you have a healthy relationship with yourself, you don’t project fantasies or unrealistic expectations on your partner.

A healthy relationship with yourself also means you feel emotions without letting them control your behaviour. This will make it easier for you to make wiser decisions and understand your partner.

An unhealthy relationship with yourself may stem from low self-esteem. When you have low self-esteem, you depend on your partner in different ways in order to feel happy. While it’s fine for our partner to be a source of at least some of our happiness, we shouldn’t depend on them as the sole source.

The goal is to build your own source of esteem so that you know how to make yourself happy.

Just like you schedule in time to spend with your partner, schedule time to spend with yourself.

Follow these tips to improve your relationship with yourself:

1. Prioritize your routine and things you love. What things did you enjoy before you entered the relationship? What parts of your routine are most important to your happiness and well-being?
2. Schedule a date with yourself once per week. See the date with yourself as a way to keep the relationship with your partner healthy too.
3. Focus on what you can control. Sometimes we get so focused on controlling an outcome instead of letting things happen. Learn to focus on what you can control to strengthen your positivity and relationship with yourself.
4. Speak up for yourself. Practise speaking up for yourself and communicating your needs to your partner and others.
5. Take responsibility. If you do something that hurts somebody else, or make a mistake, take responsibility for it. That honesty will show that you have a deep sense of pride and good intention.
   • When you take responsibility for your actions, you can also learn more about yourself and you can learn from your mistakes.
   • Get curious: “What does this situation bring out in me?”
   • Avoid criticizing yourself. But think about how you could have done or said something differently.
6. Check in with yourself. Regularly check in with yourself. Do you feel resentful lately? Why do you think that is? Do you feel happy lately? Why?

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