How To Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship – Lesson 2 – 9 Obstacles To Building Intimacy

Welcome to Lesson #2 of my “How to Deepen Intimacy In Your Relationship” course!

Intimacy requires care, love, and time. It can be watered like a plant – but in order to grow, this plant needs to be watered by both partners. As they say, it takes two to tango.

Getting to know each other and building closeness sounds easy. But the reality is that humans are not perfect. The path to intimacy will have obstacles and roadblocks.

Some men have trouble building intimacy because they fear losing their sense of independence. On the other hand, some women can have trouble with intimacy because they focus on fixing their partner rather than accepting their partner.

Obstacles like that can appear and stand in the way of true intimacy. When you notice the obstacles show up, as they will, you need to remember the reason why you started the relationship in the first place.

Remembering why you love your partner will help keep you going as you overcome these obstacles to building intimacy together.

These are the obstacles you need to avoid or eliminate:

1. Trapping yourself in routine. Your relationship might reach a point where everything becomes routine. You find yourself at the same restaurants, repeating conversations, doing the same weekend activities. Getting trapped in that routine can plateau the level of intimacy you have with your partner.
   • Choose a new hobby to pick up together.
   • Surprise your partner with a date in a new location.
2. Building walls. During an argument, you might have a tendency to shut down and stop communicating with your partner. If that happens, step away, take a break, and return to the conversation later.
   • Calmly let your partner know that you need a break from the conversation.
   • Take a 20- to 30-minute break.
   • Revisit the conversation with your partner.
   • Fun Fact: When Harry Houdini and his wife, Bess, had an argument, he would go out for a walk. When he returned, he’d throw his hat into the room where his wife was. If the hat was thrown back at him, he knew it was too soon to resume the discussion so he would go for another walk.
3. Fear of intimacy. A subconscious fear of intimacy can prevent you from getting closer to your partner. You might have difficulty communicating your own needs or have a tendency to sabotage the relationships you enter.
   • Identify where the fear comes from. Are you scared of being hurt?
   • Set boundaries to allow you to feel safe.
   • Communicate your feelings.
4. Lack of time. You might find yourself prioritizing other things above your relationship. If you struggle with time, pay attention to what’s been prioritized above the relationship.
   • Schedule regular date nights and times to check in with your partner.
5. Dishonesty. True intimacy cannot be built if there are secrets or dishonesty in a relationship. Dishonesty might show up from a fear of the closeness and vulnerability that comes from honesty. If this is the case for you, keep in mind that honesty will bring you closer to your partner.
   • Be transparent with your feelings.
   • Create a safe space for both of you to share uncomfortable truths.
6. Aggression. Aggression might indicate a lack of respect in the relationship. Being aggressive, critical, or showing contempt is a flag that should be taken seriously.
   • Build a culture of appreciation. Go out of your way to let your partner know how much you appreciate them.
7. Doubtfulness or lack of trust. Couples might have a hard time trusting each other because of something that happened in the past or something their partner has done. It’s important to address any lack of trust because intimacy is unobtainable without it.
8. Control. Sometimes we subconsciously try to control what happens in the relationship or how our partner feels. This can be an obstacle to intimacy. We have to let go of our desire to control in order to experience true intimacy.
9. Avoidance. Maybe you want to avoid a topic that needs to be addressed or avoid having a difficult conversation. This will be an obstacle to intimacy.

You might notice these obstacles are very human! They will pop up and occur naturally. Do your best to be cognizant of them and remove them from your relationship.

When you remove these obstacles and follow the exercises in this course, you can experience the love and joy possible from true, deep intimacy.

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