Empty Nest Syndrome – A Strategy For Mothers Whose Children Have Flown The Coop

“People make a lot of jokes about the empty nest. Let me tell you, it is no laughing matter. It is really hard.” (Michelle Pfeiffer)

Introduction

Ever since the day you had your first child, it was inevitable that this day would come, because, hopefully, no child stays home forever.

And that means you were destined to be an empty-nester-mom the day your first child came into the world.

You may have spent pretty much your entire adult life so far raising your kids.

If you’re over 50, you may even be fostering the notion that your life is nearly over – you suddenly feel a double whammy of empty-nest plus mid-life crises, all at the same time.

So, what now? What are you going to do?

• The main focus of your life is gone.
• The primary buffer in your marriage is gone.
• You’re likely to have greatly reduced contact with all the other moms once your children no longer share classes and high school activities.
• You’re likely to have more money, time, and freedom than you’ve had in a very long time, but what are going to do with them?
• How are you going to deal with the fact that you’re not going to see or speak to your child each day?
• How will you manage your relationship with your spouse? Kids are a lot to have in common, and that commonality is greatly reduced now. What does the future hold for you and your significant other?

Fortunately, there are many things you can do to transform that void in your life and build an exciting and fulfilling future!

Consider these topics as a way to learn more about yourself and your options as an over-50 mom with an empty nest:

1. The Signs, Symptoms, And Challenges Of Empty Nest Syndrome: You’ll discover how living in an empty nest can affect your life and emotional outlook. You’ll also discover the many challenges that managing an empty nest can pose.
2. Marriage: Children are both a challenge and an advantage in a relationship. When your last child leaves the nest, it’s just you and your spouse. Is that going to benefit your relationship or make it more challenging?
3. Staying In Touch: Just because your child is leaving home doesn’t mean you can’t stay in touch. However, it likely means you won’t be able to stay in touch every single day. Learn how to find a communication schedule that works for everyone involved.
4. Hobbies: You have free time, so it’s time to find a hobby or two to fill the time. It’s time to have fun.
5. Travel: No kids means fewer plane tickets and hotel rooms. You can finally visit those places you’ve always dreamed of seeing.
6. Social: Everybody needs a social life of some sort. Create the social life you desire and fill some of the void left by your children leaving. Who says an empty nest can’t be fun?
7. Life Over 50 And After Children: In this chapter, you’ll figure out what you want from your life and how to get it. The basic process you’ll learn in this chapter can be used to accomplish nearly any goal.

So, let’s get started!

“We were empty nesters, our last-born child having departed for Duke. Meredith decided we needed a dog to fill the vacuum. She heard about a litter in Colorado sired by Chopper, the legendary avalanche dog at the top of Aspen Mountain.” (Tom Brokaw)

The Signs, Symptoms, And Challenges Of Empty Nest Syndrome

Empty Nest Syndrome can be viewed as a type of psychological disruption.

As such, there are signs and symptoms that commonly occur in those suffering from this affliction, and like any other disease or disorder, there are challenges associated with Empty Nest Syndrome.

Empty Nest Syndrome might not be a recognized clinical disorder, but the effects are real:

1. Your marriage may become more challenging. While children can be a real challenge for a marriage, they can also keep a shaky marriage together. A less than spectacular marriage can look relatively healthy while the children are still present, but that stability quickly crumbles when the last child has left the home.
   • Children provide a distraction. You and your husband or partner have been able to put your attention on your children instead of on each other. High school kids have a lot going on: class, friends, dates, dances, parties, sports, band, college visits and applications, and other after-school activities.
   • Children provide a buffer. Most parents are reluctant to argue and fight in front of their children. Your kids can help to keep the peace, even if it’s unknowingly.
   • Children provide a shared purpose. You and your husband place a high priority on the children. It’s a shared goal and ideal. When the youngest leaves the house, that shared purpose has largely evaporated.
   • There is a change in the dynamic of the home, even among the best of marriages. Regardless of the quality of your marriage, expect to face some challenges in recalibrating your relationship.
2. Your friends may not be understanding. Many parents dream of the day the children finally leave the house, and their bedroom can be turned into a reading room or giant closet. Many parents will fail to understand your pain. You might not receive the sympathy you were hoping for.
3. Depression is a significant health threat. Depression is not a joking matter regardless of the cause.
4. Loss of sense of purpose. Children provide a sense of purpose in the life of a mother. Mothers have responsibilities and duties to perform in order to ensure their children are receiving everything they need. All of this responsibility and purpose evaporates practically overnight when the kids leave home.
5. Loss of identity as a parent. We all identify ourselves with certain groups, whether they be a gender, profession, religion, body type, ethnicity, and so on. The identity of being a mother is the most defining identity for many women. The pain and confusion associated with losing that identity is considerable.
6. Anxiety over your child’s welfare. Parents always worry about their kids, but at least you have a better chance of identifying challenges and helping when your child is still living at home. It’s natural to worry and wonder how your child is doing. It can be extremely frustrating and scary to be out of the loop.
7. Guilt. When your child is still at home, there’s still time to make amends. There’s still time to finally take that family trip to Disneyland. You can still create new experiences and pleasant memories of their childhood for your children.

   Once a child leaves the home, their childhood becomes final. There’s nothing that can be done to change the experience that they had living in your home. Feelings of guilt are common for mothers when the kids leave.

8. Self-Medication. What do people do when they feel bad? They find a way to make themselves feel better. Many of the options people turn to can be unhealthy:
   • Overeating
   • Drugs or alcohol
   • Overspending
   • Spending too much time watching TV or surfing the Internet
   • Making poor relationship choices
9. The urge to change your life drastically. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing! You might want to change careers, move to a new location, downsize your home, give yourself a totally new look, or take up new hobbies. There’s nothing wrong with any of this provided you’re making healthy and intelligent choices.

Empty Nest Syndrome has real symptoms to deal with and challenges to face.

See if you can identify these symptoms in yourself and prepare for the challenges that may lie ahead, because planning ahead can save you grief and keep you on track to building a new life that satisfies you.

“The biggest change for me as a mom was realizing I needed to put someone else before me. Now the hardest part about the empty nest is learning to put myself first.” (Kim Alexis)

Marriage

Marriage after your last child has left the nest can be especially challenging.

On the other hand, you also have the opportunity to grow closer than you’ve been in a long time.

Let’s look at this scenario and see how you can transform your relationship!

Marriage always has the potential to be challenging, but this new stage in life can be especially difficult. Much of your life has revolved around your kids, and your children provided a distraction and a buffer.

Now, you and your spouse are left with each other and there are fewer distractions to hide any weaknesses in your marriage.

Children are a huge thing to have in common – but now, it will be necessary to find new ways to reconnect.

Otherwise, it’s likely that any hidden marital challenges will bubble to the surface. Keep in mind that one in four divorces involve couples over the age of 50!

The following strategies can help you turn your situation into a blessing for your relationship:

1. Have a chat. Ideally, have a chat prior to the children leaving the home. Discuss what you both want for the future. Discover the apprehensions you both have about the future. Think about what you want your life to look like going forward.

   You might be excited about finally having the house to yourselves.

   There’s also a grieving process that you can both share and help each other through.

2. Make plans. Together and separately. It’s important to create a shared future. However, you must also create separate plans for the road ahead. A positive, healthy relationship involves some separate activities, instead of your lives revolving around each other.

   You’re two people that have differing interests and goals. Plus, now that you’re a bit more mature, your interests may have changed from what they were in the past. Perhaps you’d like to go back to school, and your spouse would like to take up woodworking.

   Create a common vision for the future with enough flexibility to pursue your own interests.

3. Find common interests and spend time doing them. You can’t just sit around holding hands with your spouse every free moment. Explore common interests.

   A great way to rediscover your marriage is to share time together doing something enjoyable.

4. Spend time together with others. Be social. It’s necessary to have individual activities, shared activities, and activities you do with other couples or groups of people.

   Go out to dinner, attend church, volunteer together, or join a softball team. Do something at least once a week that involves spending time with other folks.

5. Plan a getaway. Once your youngest child leaves the house, have something to look forward to. Move them out and then take a trip! It can be a great way to kick off your new lives together.

   Find someplace you’ve always wanted to go and make the arrangements.

6. Get help. Maybe you need some professional outside assistance for help with your marriage. Sometimes, an outside opinion can point out a few things you’re not able to see as a couple.

Many couples eventually split up after the children are no longer part of their daily lives.

However, this is not a forgone conclusion – many marriages survive and even thrive during the empty nest years.

Prepare as well as you can and adapt to each other – this might be the best thing that could happen for your marriage!

Staying In Touch

It’s never been easier to stay in contact with others, with options including social media, video chats, texting and, of course, the telephone.

So there’s no reason you can’t stay in regular contact with your children.

However, it takes two to tango – while you might have visions of sharing a video chat with your child each evening, they might have other ideas entirely.

Consider these ideas for staying in touch:

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