Developing Positive Self-Esteem In Children

Before You Begin

You are probably here because you love your child and want to do your part in creating a successful, thoughtful young person with positive self-esteem.

Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, sitters and anybody other people who interact with children on a regular basis play a big role in their development. As the saying goes, it really does take a village.

Enlisting all the adults who are part of your child’s village to agree on expectations, responsibilities and consequences is not a trivial job.

And getting them to follow through on their commitments is often even more difficult.

Unfortunately, any weak links anywhere in this team can undermine the long-term goal – a responsible and emotionally healthy young adult.

Hopefully, you can share your insights and skills with these other adults in a way that they will hear and listen to you.

The influence of family in the first few years of a child’s life is undoubtedly the most important in creating a solid foundation for positive self-esteem. Regardless of how you define “family”, the most critical task is working together in the best interest of the child.

Setting limits and rules for toddlers is the beginning of creating consistent expectations and consequences. It makes it so much easier to set limits for them in school, as pre-teens and in their teen years.

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.” (Frederick Douglass)

Truer words have never been spoken.

Going to school is the next big influence in the development of self-esteem. Since confidence is the outcome we seek, the learning environment is a crucial piece. There are many moving parts that lead to real confidence – not be confused with self-importance or arrogance.

It begins and ends with clear expectations, accountability and consequences.

As you learn more about self-esteem in this report, you’ll find a sample story that exemplifies many important principles. You’ll learn about Ben and Maria, siblings from a two-parent home with very different parenting experiences – and very different early outcomes.

Ben’s experience shows that even those who have a learning difficulty can become confident, successful young people – as long as they have the right team of adults supporting them.

Likewise, Maria’s story shows that regardless of aptitude, confidence requires much more.

The end of this report has some self-reflection questions for you as a parent. You may find it helpful to write down your responses to these questions before you begin, and then again after you finish. As you learn more, you may find that your responses change.

Here’s to emotionally healthy young adults…

What Is Self-Esteem?

Self-esteem is based on our belief in our own worth – the confidence we have in ourselves. It is a subjective assessment of ourselves that changes over time, and, for some people, even day to day. It is often used interchangeably with self-worth, self-confidence, and self-regard.

People who have good self-esteem are usually:

• more self-assured
• often willing to take more chances that lead to positive results
• less concerned about making mistakes
• less concerned about looking foolish to others

Those with low self-esteem may second-guess themselves, feel somehow “less than” others, and be overly concerned about what other people think of them.

How Do We Develop Self-esteem?

Like many things, self-esteem is the result of our interactions with people whose opinions shape our core personality. Usually authority figures, such as parents, teachers and others, their opinions and interactions are important to our developing sense of self – of who we are as a person.

We see ourselves as others see us, especially as children.

Those who receive the message, verbally or otherwise, that they are accepted, able, and worthy are more likely to view themselves in that way.

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true..

It is not uncommon to recognize patterns of low self-esteem that run throughout our lives. Often rooted in childhood experiences or learned from the behaviour of others, low self-esteem can begin early and may affect all areas of life.

The Great Self-Esteem Experiment

In the 1970s, parenting experts and others came up with the idea that we should collectively support the development of positive self-esteem by using praise for the slightest accomplishment (like showing up) and downplaying (if not totally ignoring) any type of failure.

This experiment included changing the grading system in schools so that instead of passing or failing, kids either needed improvement, were sufficient, or exceeded expectations. Tee ball and other sports became cooperative instead of collaborative.

Rather than competition, we all focused on cooperation.

The outcome was, in a word, a huge failure.

While the focus on praise for effort is a good one, and fostering cooperation and collaboration is critical, removing expectations and accountability from the equation really makes a mess of things.

Rewarding kids or adults for showing up but putting in no effort to achieve results can lead to an exaggerated sense of accomplishment for basically nothing. Showing up should be mandatory, not rewarded.

Consider homework, for example. Your child brings their book bag home, which may be an accomplishment for some, but a given for most. They actually have the book in the bag and their homework assignment. They sit at the table for an hour, doing nothing. Or worse, playing on their cell phone.

Which behaviour is the expectation? That they show up with books or complete their homework assignments?

Do you set the expectation to complete homework and give them consequences for falling short of the goal – failing to do what is expected?

Or, call the teacher and make an excuse for them so they don’t experience the natural consequences of their behaviour?

Think about it:

• What does a kid learn when we lie on their behalf to protect them from reality?
• What message does it send when we run interference between our kids and their consequences?
• Is that the behaviour you want more of?
• What happens when we do not allow our children to deal with their failures?
• How do kids learn coping skills if they never experience failure or negative consequences?
• How do people learn responsibility without expectations?

In the great self-esteem experiment, the goal was to protect kids from negative consequences, so they would feel good about themselves.

The thinking back then was that negative consequences, or failure, would damage their self-esteem – they would see themselves as lacking, failures or some equivalent.

In effect, we were trying to build a strong ego – and we did – but it resulted in a sense of self-importance without the confidence that comes with accomplishment.

We inadvertently created a generation of adults who:

• have difficulty accepting any kind of criticism or negative feedback
• expect to be rewarded for showing up
• resent having expectations placed on them

In other words: entitled.

The Story Of Ben And Maria – Siblings With Very Different Experiences

Ben has always struggled in school. He has learning problems in math and spelling but excels in sports. He’s on the varsity basketball team, which requires that he keep at least a C average in his classes. His success in basketball and teamwork among teachers, coaches, and parents help keep him motivated in class.

Although Ben has trouble with academics, his teachers love him. He is a kind, respectful teenager and tries to do his best in school. Ben’s mom is a strong advocate, but she has clear expectations and boundaries about his school work.

Ben knows that he can ask for help any time he needs it. He also knows that his mother will not make excuses for him if he doesn’t turn in his homework or study for tests. And the consequences for failure are clear – no basketball.

Ben’s coach is invested in both his academic and sports success. He encourages Ben to do his best both on the court and off. When he fails or makes mistakes, his coach and mother help him process the experience and learn what he can from it.

Ben is so motivated by basketball that he gives 100% in the classroom. However, at times, he makes failing grades in math.

When Ben’s favorite aunt died, he had difficulty sleeping and focusing in class. He kept up his homework but failed two tests in math. The week before homecoming, Ben received an F on his report card. It would have been easy to give him a pass under the circumstances – losing his favorite aunt was very difficult for Ben.

Although basketball was important to him and he was experiencing a significant loss, he accepted responsibility for making a failing grade. Ben understood that he would need to sit out until mid-term grades were reported.

Meanwhile, he got dressed for games, sat on the bench, never missed practice, and continued to support the team. He also asked to do extra credit work in math, which helped with his GPA.

Ben’s mom realized that basketball was his motivation for keeping up his grades and largely how he managed to feel confident despite academic challenges.

She also knew that not following through with these consequences would be failing Ben. The delicate balance between succeeding in sports and accountability in schoolwork contributed to his positive self-esteem. It took a whole team of adults with Ben’s best interest at heart to make this work.

Maria, Ben’s Sister, Was An Entirely Different Story.

She was the youngest child and only girl. From a young age, she was treated as a princess by her doting father and grandparents. She was gifted academically and bored in school by the end of first grade.

Maria had no interest in sports, art, or other extracurricular activities. However, she had an innate love for animals and could not wait to get home every day to play with the dog and cat, Missy and Magic. The only way to persuade her to do homework was by removing the pets from her study area until she finished her work.

Maria’s parents were not in agreement on parenting. Dad left it up to Mom to deal with Ben, but often undermined her efforts with Maria. Although Mom tried to hold Maria accountable for homework and chores, Dad allowed her to play with the pets during study time.

The consequences of not caring for Missy were clear – Maria would clean up any messes. When Maria neglected to take the dog out for walks and potty breaks as agreed on when they adopted her, Dad cleaned up the mess when Mom was not around.

Despite her academic gifts, Maria did not feel good about school. She reported feeling lost in a pool of students who were overachievers and wanted to be a dog groomer after she finished high school. The thought of continuing higher education was of no interest to her. It was difficult to get her up in the mornings and she was often late for school.

When she received detention for excessive tardiness, her dad tried to intervene and persuade the Vice Principal to reconsider. This worked the first time, but not the next time just a month later.

When she refused to stay after school for detention, she received another hour of detention with the understanding that she would be suspended for three days if she did not serve detention as assigned.

Maria’s grades began to slip when her aunt died, and she stopped talking to and about her friends. Everyone was concerned about her, including Dad and her grandparents. The loss of her aunt was significant and brought everything else to the surface.

When they began family therapy, the first challenges identified were low self-esteem and lack of parental agreement on rules, consequences, and follow through.

The therapist helped the adults work on their part of the issue, and enlisted Ben to help Maria accept responsibility for her choices by spending more time talking with her when she needed support.

Maria learned to think before acting. Volunteering for the local rescue became both a reward and a way to reinforce her success.

Over time, Maria became more engaged in school and started a weekly community service project between her school and the rescue organization. Her grades improved as part of the agreement for managing the community service project, and she made friends with many of the volunteers.

She blossomed with the success of the program and became more confident in herself.

Steps To Positive Self-Esteem

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