Why Are People So Hung Up About Sex?
The first time I was more or less forced to consider attitudes to sex was when my father was shaving one evening, when I was about seven (give or take a year), and he said, “If you can’t laugh about sex, what can you laugh about?“
Even back then, I found it an odd thing to say – especially to a young child – although my father was in many ways fixated on sex.
My reaction at the time was that it didn’t seem right and that it should be, “If you can’t laugh at yourself, what can you can laugh about?“
For the most part, though, sex was one of those subjects you simply didn’t talk about – not in my family, at least.
But like most people, I’ve thought about it often – not in a smutty way, but because I’m fascinated by people’s attitudes to it.
The remainder of this article is largely my own thoughts on sex, and is, therefore, only my opinion, which you may agree or disagree with.
Why Have Sex?
First and foremost, perhaps, having sex is the means by which we procreate.
Different species do this in different ways, but the goal is ultimately the same.
Apart from that, people have sex because they enjoy it – and this is probably the case far more often than it is for conceiving children.
Some may say this is wrong, that it should only ever be for procreation, and yet there is good reason to believe that humans are not the only animals who copulate for pleasure.
Sadly, sometimes the pleasure aspect is one-sided, with the most obvious examples being:
- Rape, although some suggest this is more about control and dominance than sexual gratification.
- Situations where the sex may be consensual, but one partner (typically but not always the female) goes along with it purely because the other partner wants it.
Whatever your views, sex is a natural activity (in most cases, at least), and should be nothing to be ashamed of.
If you think it’s wrong to have sex purely because you enjoy it, rather than because you’re trying to start a family, then are you consistent in that opinion?
For example, is all of the food and drink you consume purely for sustenance, or is it possible you sometimes and eat and drink just for pleasure? After all, humans don’t need alcohol to survive. (Actually, it’s a Class I carcinogen, but that’s a whole other story.)
And what about kissing? It’s not required for survival either – but it’s pleasurable (when done right, of course).
I do get that some religious people generally frown on anything that is done for pleasure, but they are in the minority these days.
So why is it such a taboo subject?
Religion
Some religions teach that not only sex, but masturbation too, is “wrong” – i.e. sinful – unless the goal is procreation (which is also why contraception is frowned upon by some).
And when it comes to sex between people of the same gender, Christians like to quote the Bible (typically Leviticus 18:22) as proof that it’s a sin.
There are, in my mind, a few problems with that attitude:
- There are hundreds of other species of animals that engage in homosexual sex, so it would appear that it too is natural. (There are even those who suggest that it confers evolutionary advantages in certain situations.)
- Some Biblical scholars believe that, as a result of all the translating and editing of the Bible that has occurred over centuries, the original verse was talking not about consensual sex between adult males, but about pederasty (i.e. sex between an adult male and a male youth).
- Why would male homosexuality be so frowned upon, but not lesbianism? (In the United Kingdom, it was only in 1967, i.e. within my lifetime, that it was no longer legal for men to be imprisoned for the “crime” of being gay, whereas no such law had ever existed with regard to lesbians.)
I also think religion has a lot to do with the largely puritanical attitudes to sex in the USA, something I noticed very soon after moving there in 2005.
It’s difficult to imagine why a supposedly modern and civilized country such as the USA is so obsessed with what other consenting adults choose to do with their own genitals, regardless of sexual orientation.
Virginity
Attitudes to virginity are strange, and, I suspect, vary based on gender.
My father was one of those men who believed that it was fine to sleep around before you got married, but that your bride should be a virgin.
Apparently, he never stopped to consider that if everybody adopted this approach, there would be too few virgins to go around.
But is virginity important?
Again, the Old Testament thinks so – see Deuteronomy 22 where it talks about stoning non-virgin brides to death.
But of course, back then, a wife was treated as the property of the husband, and not as an independent person with rights of their own. Having said that, those who espouse Biblical laws and morals don’t seem too keen on reintroducing this particular law.)
In my case, my first wife (who was also my first girlfriend) and I were both virgins until our wedding night.
It hadn’t been my wish to remain so, but it was important to her, so I never pressed the point.
To me, virginity may or may not be important to you – but if it is, I would suggest asking yourself why, because in my view, “just because” or tradition (including religion) is not a good reason.
I also wonder which is preferable – learning how to make love together, and accepting that the first time is likely to be not that great, or knowing what you’re doing so that when you meet “the one”, you both know how to use love-making as a way to really give pleasure to each other.
Privacy
Sex is usually considered to be a private affair, between those engaging in it.
It is a time of intimacy, both physically and emotionally, but why should that prevent people from having sex in public?
People go out to dinner for pleasure (because they could equally well obtain the nutrition the human body requires at home), but they don’t’ insist on a private room because they don’t want others to see them enjoying themselves.
The answer is, I think, because people also generally are against public nudity (especially for women).
Again, why?
Our bodies are natural, and they look like they look.
One area where this is often in the news is when women breastfeed in public.
Why is it “wrong” to use breasts for their intended purpose, i.e. feeding babies, but it’s OK for images of breasts to be used anywhere and everywhere to promote products?
This whole thing of sexualizing bodies is bizarre, to me.
I am not, of course, saying, that you should have sex in public if you don’t want to, but really, what’s so wrong with it if that’s what you want to do?
I have long wanted to visit a naturist club or beach, but neither of my wives were up for it. (My second wife didn’t even like me wearing thin tops in public if you could see the outline of my nipples through the fabric. The one time she let me take my t-shirt off at home lasted all of about ten minutes before she found an excuse to force me to put it back on again.)
Since her death, I started wearing minimal clothing in the house (since it’s only me now), largely because it gets really hot here in summer, and then I went one step further and simply stopped wearing clothes until it became too cold to walk around naked.
It was surprising how natural it felt, and how free. (Of course, I need to be careful given that I have three dogs in the house.)
And, of course, when I had visitors, I put clothes back on – not because I would have minded being nude in front of them, but because I didn’t know how they would react to it.
Of course, many people say they don’t want to be naked because of how their body looks – but that’s nothing more than the results of cultural programming at work.
Too many people are, in my opinion, obsessed with exterior beauty at the expense of inner beauty – i.e. what sort of person are they.
I know I’ve mentioned this elsewhere, but I didn’t know what my second wife looked like until well after we’d agreed I would move from the UK to be with her and marry her – because by then, I knew she was somebody I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
It shouldn’t matter what your body looks like – we humans come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and colours, but we are also all people deep down.
Back to nudity though.
I also know of some parents who don’t always wear clothes in the house – at least, not until their children grow older.
Even then though, why is it such a big issue?
It’s my view that the more you are exposed to naked bodies, the less arousing you will find them (arousal being a function of intimacy and love rather than the mere sight of bare skin for me these days).
On the plus side, I am pleased to see that there are laws being passed in some cities that allow women to be out in public topless, if they want to.
Again, this is a start, and maybe one day, it will go even further – because you should be able to walk around anywhere completely naked and be safe and free from molestation.
Exclusivity
There is, for most people, an understanding that marriage (or a committed relationship) requires sexual exclusivity (regardless of whether you were virgins beforehand or not).
This understanding may be tacit, or it may be something you discuss together.
Regardless, it’s crucial that you both have the same understanding, because if one of you thinks it’s OK to have sex outside the relationship (aka cheating) and the other one doesn’t, then you are likely to end up with severe issues to resolve.
Safety
It should go without saying that sex should always be safe, from the perspective both of avoiding unwanted pregnancies and remaining healthy.
Accountability
Personally, I don’t hold with the concepts of fate or that things happen “for a reason” or that my life is following somebody else’s plan – you should be and are responsible for your own actions, whatever they may be.
So if you are going to have sex for pleasure, and let’s face it, most people do, both within and without committed relationships, then you need to accept responsibiity for what might happen, such as a baby you weren’t planning on having (yet).
And when it comes to exposure to bare skin, then again, it’s up to you to control your “urges”, not somebody else’s responsibility.
Conclusion
Ultimately, sex should be whatever you and your partner(s) want it to be. (Yes, sex may involve more than two people, if that’s what you all enjoy.)
Provided it’s 100% consensual and legal, and you’re not harming anybody else (and by harm, I mean actual physical harm – I’m not talking about “offending” somebody), then you should be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, using whatever orifices and/or toys that you want.
And the same applies if it’s just you – there is nothing wrong with masturbating if it gives you pleasure or relieves stress (which studies show it does), and in this case, you are definitely not harming anybody else.
I have a friend whose primary goal in life is (or was when we discussed this) to have sex with as many women as possible before he dies.
It’s certainly not, and never has been, my goal, but I don’t think he’s wrong or shallow or anything else – it’s what he wants out of life, and again, if it’s all consensual, then what’s the problem?
So I would say that when it comes to sex, do whatever you want, subject to the above criteria, and don’t let anybody else (including a book written by iron age tribespeople who didn’t understand where the sun went at night) tell you what is “right” or “wrong”, because it’s nothing to do with them.
And yes, I accept that my views are probably not mainstream, but I don’t care, of course (because if I did, I wouldn’t have written this article).
But rather than simply reject these views, why not consider what you really think about sex and nudity – and not what you’ve been told to think about them?
Additional Resources
These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:
