What Makes A True Friend?

Introduction

As I’ve written about elsewhere, I do free-writing every day, and have done for 259 days in a row, as at the time of writing this article.

So far, 99% of the time I choose three random words and use those as the initial seed, and I create my 750+ words on the fly as I write, never really knowing where it will take me.

However, today, I tried something new.

I recently bought something called the WordSmith Deck, which is, according to their website, “a deck of 150 writing prompts designed to inspire journaling, cure writer’s block, and put you back in control of your creativity.”

I’ve been thinking about journalling for some time now, and my plan is to swap over my free-writing to using a randomly chosen card from my WordSmith deck instead of the three random words I have been using – at least until I’ve worked through all 150 cards.

And I also thought I’d publish (at least some of) the results of this journalling here, partly as a way to get my thoughts on certain topics out there, for those who might be interested, and partly because I think it will be useful and therapeutic for me, if for nobody else. (As I’ve said before, the simple act of writing down your thoughts and feelings on a particular subject can bring clarity.)

So, the prompt on today’s randomly chose card was as follows:

“Describe the attributes required for true friendship. Who in your life has these?”

And this is what I came up with:

What Makes A True Friend?

To me, a true friend needs to be somebody who:

1. Is willing to be honest with you, and not just tell you what you want to hear. They may feel they don’t want to hurt your feelings, but we all need somebody in our lives who will tell us the harsh truths, often playing the role of devil’s advocate.
2. Is supportive, being there for you when you really need a person who will back you up. Of course, this shouldn’t apply if you’ve done something illegal and/or immoral. For example, I could not support any friend of mine who raped another person, and nor would I expect them to do the same for me.

   In fact, I find it difficult to support anybody else when it comes to anything factual – I am much more likely to correct them (as tactfully as possible). Having said that, I will speak up for my friends when necessary, and do my best to offer them the most helpful advice I can, when it’s called for.

3. Is a good listener. Sometimes in life, we simply need a person who will listen to us and to our problems. We don’t necessarily need them to come up with solutions, although it would be great if they had some if asked.
4. Is non-judgemental. This is because we are all different, with different backgrounds and experiences, and we never truly understand anybody else – not even our best friend. To be honest, I suspect most people don’t even fully understand themselves, never mind others.

   In addition, everybody is going through their own struggles, most of which you probably don’t even know about, so judging their behaviour on incomplete information is rarely, if ever, the right thing to do (even though it does appear to be human nature).

5. Is willing to keep secrets. When you tell somebody something that is highly personal, the last thing you need is for that person to tell others about it. It’s a form of betrayal, and while you shouldn’t need to tell somebody (especially a true friend) to keep what you tell them private, it’s still worth it, just to be absolutely clear on the matter (because some of what you tell your friends may be OK for general consumption).
6. Is willing to reciprocate. Although it may be possible for this to be largely one-way, I don’t think you get to the status of being a true friend unless there’s some give and take in terms of sharing secrets and feelings.

   So if the other person is not willing to do this, then perhaps you shouldn’t be sharing your stuff either.

   That means it’s a gradual process, in most cases, although I accept that sometimes you simply feel a connection that you cannot easily explain, but as a general rule, I would still feel more comfortable building up from acquaintance status to friendship over time, whether that period is short or long.

   In the case of my second wife, when we were talking online long before ever meeting in person, this process was accelerated purely because we talked for so long – anywhere from 4 – 12 hours a day, seven days a week. (You can read more about this here.)

7. Will go out of their way to help. I used to work with a guy who knew he’d be between houses for a few weeks, and when he mentioned this to one of his friends, that person told him he could stay there. However, when the time came that my colleague was indeed without a home, his friend’s offer was mysteriously withdrawn. (My co-worker, who had become a good friend too, ended up staying with my first wife and me for about four or five weeks instead. Yes, that did put us out – we have to clean out a spare room, it affected our living and eating arrangements, and more, but it’s what you do for a friend.)

Who Are My True Friends?

As to who in my life is a true friend, then there are a few people who spring to mind.

One is a magician I got to know in England, and although we’ve not communicated for years now, I know that if we got in touch again, we would pick things back up immediately.

We met up for drinks and meals several times over the course of a few years, and we just seemed to hit it off, and we definitely shared private experiences and feelings almost from the get-go.

I suppose that the adage about us liking people who are like us holds true, to some degree.

(As an aside, the more I read about humans, and all animals, I suppose, being electrical creatures, then are these “instant connections” the result of us responding to other people’s electrical fields – maybe because they are in harmony with our own? The book called The Invisible Rainbow is a fascinating history of the electrification of the Earth, and its effect on this planet.)

There were a few other magicians I became friends with, but not in as unguarded a fashion as the one I first mentioned. In other words, I wouldn’t have told those friends all of the things I discussed with the other magician, which I suppose shows there are various levels of trust – or maybe we call people friends when they are actually only acquaintances (albeit maye good ones), because that’s certainly the vocabulary created by sites such as Facebook.

Since moving to the USA and choosing to live a somewhat solitary life, which is even more the case since my wife died 16 months ago, there is one man who has become a great friend.

We met because he took over the local mail route from another guy I knew, and again, we simply got talking – and now, having seen him once a week (or more) for several years, there is very little we don’t discuss.

And he would do anything for me, and has already been vital to my continued desire to live the way I do.

He helps me with shopping and with jobs around the house, he’s a great sounding board for ideas, and he’s helped me to go and retrieve several dogs my late wife and I adopted from a local rescue.

If the need arose, I would do anything for him too, although living where I do, with no transport, makes that somewhat more difficult.

I’ve also got to know one of his daughters well too, because she also delivers my mail on the other days of the week, and while we don’t talk about the same type of topics, I still classify her as a friend.

And to be fair, my first wife was my best friend too for many years – until she no longer was because of the issues that drove me away.

Conclusion

But here’s the thing – I don’t really care how many friends I have, as long as the ones I do have are good ones, and as I’ve just said, they are.

That’s why a good friend can be the best therapist you can ever have.

As an introvert at heart, I prefer deep discussions with one or two people at a time rather than the superficial large gatherings that are impersonal and often far too noisy.

But maybe the original question from the writing prompt was worded incorrectly – maybe there are only friends and acquaintances, and if somebody is classified as a friend, that should imply all of the criteria I listed above. And if they don’t, then maybe they’re not really a friend in the first place.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. The Invisible Rainbow
3. WordSmith Deck