What Is My Dominant Emotion Right Now?

Today’s WordSmith Deck prompt (see this article for what this is all about) was:

“What is the dominant emotion in your life right now? How can you use this emotion to improve your life?”

I don’t usually consider myself an emotional person, and being slightly on the autism spectrum, I actually had to look up a list of emotions to see what they are, because they are probably more varied than I imagine.

I found a list of about 27 from a study conducted by the University of California in Berkeley, and out of those, I think I would have to say my dominant emotion, since my wife died about 16 months ago, is anxiety.

I worry about things a lot of the time that I never used to worry about when my late wife was here.

For example, and in no particular order:

• Being shot by a sniper when I go into the backyard at night – I’m actually checking my body for the tell-tale red dot.
• The roof blowing off – it’s really windy here most of the time (40 – 80 mph winds are not unusual), and the house is not the most sturdy one around.
• My dogs running off and getting shot – they are mainly fenced in, but occasionally two of the three who shouldn’t get out do, and they don’t come back when I call because they want to explore the countryside, since they don’t get out very often. And I live in what’s called an Open Range area, where people can shoot animals if they even suspect they’re a threat to their livestock (e.g. cattle).
• Technology issues (e.g. with computers, phones, networks).
• What will happen if I die before my dogs die. I don’t want them to be separated, as they’ve lived together for about five years now, but I accept that placing even a single dog can be difficult these days, never mind three older dogs all together.
• Health – I’ve never been particularly ill, although I’ve suffered from a lack of smell and taste since 2006. (It’s likely what they call cedar fever around here – I’m surrounded by a type of cedar tree – not the large ones you see in the Middle East, but smaller bush-like ones that are actually a type of juniper, as far as I know). And recently, I’ve had more than my usual problems in becoming breathless. (And while I know these symptoms are identified as being caused by the coronavirus, I’ve had these issues since 2006 so I doubt the virus is the cause.)
• Wildlife – and specifically snakes, although spiders and rodents too are on my mind. I see snakes frequently, usually bullsnakes, which are harmless to humans, but once or twice I’ve seen rattlesnakes. We also get some really big spiders (I’m told they are wolf spiders) and we’ve always had a mouse and rat problem, living out in the countryside, although this is not as bad as it was – perhaps due to the snakes.
• Burglars, which I think was triggered by finding an apparently drunk half-naked man (he was wearing only long pants, with no shirt or shoes) and his dog out on our property near midnight one day. While the gates into our front and back yards are locked, that doesn’t mean somebody couldn’t scale them if necessary. And this guy was, to me, just one example of the sort of crazy person who may turn up here without warning, and with who knows what intent. That guy said he was lost, but how was I to know whether he was harmless or not?
• And lastly, for this, list, the entire system in the USA, which worries me greatly. The trend seems to be heading towards a police state, and I’m not only talking about the official reactions to the current “pandemic”, with the large corporations (and the people behind them) having far too much say in what happens, and it’s clear that most of the politicians are not doing their jobs – they should be responsible to and serving the people, not the corporate lobbyists.

That’s just a sampling of what’s going on – there are probably more worries I have, either consistently or occasionally, that would come to mind if I spent longer thinking about this issue.

So, is it possible to use this feeling of anxiety to improve my life?

Well, anxiety seems to be one of those built-in features that once served a really useful purpose – it warned us of impending danger, and by danger, I’m talking about real life-or-death events.

You know, actual survival, and not first-world problems like whether your smartphone can access Facebook.

I suppose if I logged each instance of my anxiety, which so far have all been minor – they are not preventing me from doing anything, although they do often lead to more frequent than normal bathroom visits because nerves have always gone straight to my stomach – then maybe I could use those as a basis for tackling those issues.

Some, I can’t do much about, not directly at least.

If there is some crazy gun-nut out there at night, I can’t stop them doing what they want to do. I could stop going outside at night, but the same issue could be present during the daytime, when it would be harder to see that red dot.

But worrying about technology issues is maybe just a way to get me to focus on being better organized, or learn more skills, or whatever.

As for the dogs, then I have been forced to contemplate what I want to do with everything once I die, including them.

I did have a will with my first wife back in England, which is clearly not representative of my current wishes, but my second wife and I never discussed the issue.

I guess we should have done – it perhaps should be something all couples do as soon as they get married (or begin cohabiting) – but she died suddenly and unexpectedly, and well before there were any obvious signs that anything serious might happen.

So, I have already begun the process of getting a will drawn up, and I’ve begun to list items in the house that my friends might want to take (because in spite of my best efforts to tidy up and throw stuff out or donate it, the place is still cluttered with the results of a lifetime of hoarding by my wife).

But then there is so much to think about, not all of which can be easily covered in a will. For example, I have various bank accounts and cards, of course, but there are a whole bunch of sites and services I subscribe to because of my various businesses – and they will need shutting down.

Maybe not all of them (e.g. because they are only newsletters I receive), and I’m hoping that once the financial accounts are shut down, which should be done via the will (I hope), then many of those will simply stop automatically (i.e. when a subscription payment fails, they will close the account down anyway).

But I have accounts with various online marketplaces where I sell items, and if I’m not here, those orders will simply never get fulfilled or delivered.

Of course, I won’t be around to worry about it, but there will be a few customers who may be pissed off, because neither they nor the companies may realize I’m now dead.

Anxiety is a strange thing, and I’ve written lots of articles about it (and other mental health issues), so maybe I need to take my own medicine.

But it’s difficult – when my wife was around, some of these issues obviously still arose (e.g. technical problems), but we were able to discuss them and find solutions.

By myself, there is no sounding board, no second opinion, and I suppose what I’m feeling is the added responsibility of making all of the decisions by myself.

Because this is the first time in my 60 years of being alive that I’ve been by myself – in the past, I was at home with my parents, at boarding school, or with my first or second wife (there was no real gap between the two of them).

Other worries, though, such as being shot, simply never crossed my mind when she was here.

And the risk is no greater or smaller now than it was then – it was just not something I worried about.

A bit of rational thought should be all I need to appreciate that the risk is tiny (which of course I know), and yet that’s not always how anxiety works.

But I do know that being constantly anxious or stressed is not good for you – our stress-response system was only ever meant to be turned on in short bursts, so living in a state of high-anxiety is going to create health problems, sooner or later.

In many ways, as long as any surviving dogs are taken care of, I really don’t worry about death itself – my only desire is that it be as quick and painless as possible. And this is not only because I don’t fancy the idea of deteriorating gradually over weeks, months, or years, but also because I have nobody who would be available to take care of me should that become necessary, and nor would I want anybody to be burdened by that. (I know a nursing home or hospice may be an option, but it would be a last resort as far as I’m concerned.)

And to be fair, most of the time I’m fine, but the slightest thing can set me off.

This week, for example, I’ve been worried about things most days, including:

• activating a new debit card
• getting my propane tank topped up and then getting the pilot light in the boiler restarted, which caused problems and required a second visit
• changing water filters, which is a job I dislike because I always have trouble with them
• having to have the boiler replaced completely
• and then, just last night, a system upgrade to my smartphone caused problems that it’s taken hours to resolve, and even then not 100%.

These are, of course, mainly fairly minor in the grand scheme of things, but like I said, everything has become magnified now I live alone.

So, all in all, I would have to say that I’m probably more anxious than I was willing to admit (until I wrote this article because of today’s writing prompt), and I definitely need to chill out more.

I do plan on getting some exercise (after too long a gap) – I’ve just bought a recumbent exercise bike which I need to assemble this weekend – and I want to start meditating (in addition to using a singing bowl to help me relax before sleep).

And I would, if only I could go a few days without having to deal with problems, however minor they may actually be.

I also recently bought a blood pressure monitor, but I’ve not yet had the courage to use it, because I’m somewhat scared of what it will tell me.

My biggest concern is that my anxiety appears to be slowly getting worse, the longer it is since my wife died – because the last thing I want or need is to end up being severely depressed again, as I was back in England for five to ten years.