The Last Time I Cried

Today’s WordSmith Deck prompt (see this article for what this is all about) was:

“Describe the last time you cried.”

I honestly cannot recall the last time I cried, but I doubt it’s within the past 45 years or so.

As a young child, I was would cry for what probably looked, to others, like no reason – it was called “blubbing” at school.

For example, if I asked somebody to pass the salt at the dining table, and nobody did, I would start crying.

Maybe they were in fact ignoring me out of spite, or maybe they simply didn’t hear me, because I have a soft voice (which seems more likely) – but the effect was the same.

And I don’t think it was a temper tantrum either – it simply made me react emotionally.

I remember this happening from being seven, when I first went to boarding school, to some time around the age of 11 or 12.

It was about that time when I moved from junior school to senior school, and I don’t recall crying in senior school, which is weird, because that’s where I was actively bullied by a few kids for a year or two.

And from that point on, I just don’t remember crying at all.

Well, not in the usual sense of the word.

I have lost family members, of course – grandparents, both parents, and even my second wife about 20 months ago.

And while I miss some of those people, but not all, I haven’t come close to what I think most people mean when they say they’re grieving – and there have definitely been no tears.

I have lost several dogs during the past few years too, and again, nothing. (I actually lost a few dogs when I was younger too, before my first marriage, and I didn’t cry then either.)

In fact, the saddest part of losing a dog to me is knowing they’re on their way out and being unable to prevent it – by the time they actually die, it’s more like relief that they’re no longer suffering.

I also went through a living hell for five to ten years during the final stages of my first marriage – I was severely depressed and even suicidal for a good while, and yet in spite of the depths of despair to which I sunk, there were no tears.

I have no idea what’s going on here – how did such a radical change occur, because it wasn’t deliberate?

It wasn’t like I woke up one day and told myself I would never cry again.

And it’s not as though I’ve wanted to cry and somehow held back the tears – there is just no mechanism in place, as far as I can tell, that triggers that sort of reaction any longer.

Even when I was younger and still having my little crying fits, they were not brought on by somebody dying.

I remember being at school one day and being called to the headmaster’s office to be told my uncle had died.

Well, he wasn’t actually my uncle – he was my maternal grandmother’s half-sister’s live-in partner – but I had been close to him, and liked him a lot.

The only thing I have noticed, since maybe the late 1990s, is that during certain moments of TV shows and movies, my eyes might start to water a little bit – but it’s nowhere close to what I would call full-on crying (i.e. no Kleenex required).

And it’s triggered by displays of friendship and/or kindness – not by love or death or the usual things.

The scene in which I first noticed this happening is near the end of the movie Bloodsport, when the hero visits his friend in hospital – there is one short line, spoken by the friend, that gets me every single time, and I’ve watched this movie many times since then.

I admit, it’s weird.

But worse than that, it makes me wonder what sort of person I am.

Is this not crying a sign that I am a cold, emotionless person, who doesn’t care about anybody or anything else?

I don’t think so, but of course that’s exactly what I would say if I were such a person.

After all, if signs of friendship and kindness can cause a reaction, then I’m not exactly a robot.

Is it some sort of defence mechanism?

Maybe my childhood was more traumatic than I thought, or maybe something did happen as a result of one of my “blubs” that I’ve forgotten about, and I have suppressed tears since then to prevent a recurrence of whatever incident occurred.

I don’t think so – I’m pretty sure I’d have remembered something so traumatic, since it would have happened when I was around ten or so.

At the end of the day, I am who I am, and if I haven’t learned to live with that by now, since I’m in my 60s, then I probably never will.

On the plus side, I think it’s made me more resilient, and so maybe it is a coping mechanism.

Or maybe it’s because I don’t like being not in control of myself – one reason why I rarely had too much to drink (maybe half a dozen times in my entire life) and why I’ve never done drugs.

Perhaps it’s more than just the tears – perhaps I suppress emotions in general, which would definitely point to this being a form of defence mechanism.

And if that’s the case, then I suspect I’ve gone too far the other way.

But I do know that I’m probably very unusual in this respect, but there again, I think I’m unusual in many respects, and I’m OK with that.

Having said all of that, I think understanding what does (and does not) make you cry (or react emotionally) could provide a valuable insight into what sort of person you are, and it might even point the way towards making changes in your life.