Nobody To Talk To

I saw this yesterday on Facebook in one of the depression groups I belong to, but it’s fair to say that I come across similar posts a lot:

I talk a lot about depression on this site, as well as loneliness (which is not the same as being alone), but I’m beginning to think that there is something else going on here.

On another site, I frequently see people asking whether others notice that more and more younger people are feeling depressed these days, and I have always responded that, yes, I have.

And while there are many reasons for that (e.g. anxiety about finding a job, the prospect of paying back student debts), one of them I also mention is the lack of connection.

I know, it sounds odd given how easy it is to be in contact with other people using the phones that most people carry with them at all times, not to mention texting and email and social media.

But it’s not the same as a real connection.

And I do get that you can end up caring for people you are “friends” with on, say, Facebook, even though you have never met them, and likely never will.

Part of this is, I think because we are not our real selves on social media – there’s an image to maintain, and too many people are afraid to voice their real opinions because they might offend others, or because people will unfriend them (as though that matters).

There are some issues, of course, such as religion and vaccination and, to a degree, political leanings, that tend to be more divisive, resulting in some cases in children being thrown out of their parent’s home or being ostracized by family and friends, and that’s sad.

And maybe one of the problems there is because people are so concerned with their image – are they “cool”, whatever that means, do they like the “right” fashions or pop groups – that they maybe don’t really know who they are.

I have, not surprisingly, written about this too (see this article), and while I think this is a problem for a lot of people, especially younger ones (e.g. teenagers and young adults), I can’t say it’s unexpected – after all, I certainly didn’t know who I was back then (and it led, I believe, to a first marriage that turned out to be one of my worse decisions in life, not that it didn’t lead me somewhere better, which is why I don’t regret what I did).

But there is, I think, another factor in why people seem to be so lonely and feel as though they have nobody to talk to.

And that is love – or, more accurately, self-love.

It seems as though loving yourself is difficult, for a lot of people, at least.

Personally, I went through a long phase, from when I first thought about it during my late teens until well into my 20s, when I didn’t like who I thought I was.

This was largely, as far as I can recall after several decades, because I had done a few things I wasn’t proud of (e.g. minor shoplifting, such as a candy bar).

It wasn’t like I was a major criminal, but I knew what I’d done was wrong at the time, and yet I still did it.

I’m not sure why – I’m not the sort of person who’s ever really been an adrenaline junkie, doing things for the thrill of it, and I didn’t do it because I was short of money either.

All I know is that many children so this type of thing, which, again, does not of course excuse it or make it right.

But it took me years to realize that making bad decisions from time to time does not necessarily make you a bad person.

Today, however, when there is so much emphasis on superficialities (e.g. clothes, hairstyles, beauty), I see a lot of people saying that they are fat or ugly.

And I don’t get it.

Firstly, I know it’s a cliché, but beauty really is, to me, skin deep.

It does seem as though there are some semi-objective standards regarding what is and what is not beautiful, but this is cultural programming at work. If it weren’t, why would some cultures be attracted to skinny people and others to those who are not skinny?

But really, beauty to me is much more about what sort of person they are – their values, their morals, their thinking process – than it is about what they look like or how they choose to dress.

As I ‘m sure I’ve mentioned elsewhere on this site, I agreed to move from the UK to the USA to be with the lady who became my second wife long before I ever knew what she looked like.

So, people need to stop looking at the outward appearance, and start digging deeper.

The problem is that first impressions are usually based on that exterior view, but these can not only be inaccurate but totally wrong.

I remember, years ago, I was in a local shopping centre (back in the UK) and I was walking up some steps, a good few feet behind an older lady who was clearly struggling to carry her shopping basket up the stairs.

Coming down the steps was a youngish man who was dressed in typical punk rocker type garb – torn jeans, chains everywhere, a less-than-conventional hair style – and I immediately noticed my programming kicking in, i.e. “look at the state of him!”

I was therefore surprised (when I shouldn’t have been, of course) to see him offer to carry the lady’s basket up the stairs for her.

It was a salutary lesson for me, not to take people at face value.

Anyway, when people describe themselves as ugly, my first thought, in every case so far, is that they do not look physically ugly. I obviously cannot speak for their personality because I don’t know them and have never had any previous interaction with them online either.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that in my opinion, for whatever that’s worth, at worst they are plain-looking (i.e. neither ugly nor handsome / beautiful – because I see both men and women posting comments such as the one that triggered this article), and in most cases, I find them actually quite attractive.

So, why do they not see this themselves?

Is it because people who may or may not be close to them have told them they’re ugly (and if so, on what basis)?

Is it because they’ve been conditioned to think that only supermodels are beautiful, and if they don’t look like that then they must be ugly?

Either way, it’s irrelevant – unless you want to work in an industry why outward appearance is important, of course.

And what about fat?

Well, the word “fat” is just that, a word, and it has a definition, which is a factual description.

Although definitions of what constitutes being fat or not may vary (e.g. from a medical standpoint), it’s still a term used to describe people (or other animals) who are larger than normal.

So why does it carry such negative connotations?

Yes, carrying excess fat can be unhealthy – but so can being too skinny.

And once again, the people I’ve seen posting these comments on Facebook are not what I would call fat. They’re not super-thin either, but regardless, so what?

If they feel they are too heavy or large and it’s causing them health problems, then it would make sense to do something about it, but otherwise, why is this anybody else’s problem?

And it’s likely that they consider themselves fat for the same type of reason as they consider themselves ugly – because they’ve been told so (by people they may or may not really know or care about) or because of the images that abound wherever you look).

These days, at least we are starting to see more models who are more curvy than the beanpoles who have been paraded around previously.

So, how can you love yourself?

1. I do think it’s critical to work out who you are and what’s important to you (as mentioned above).
2. You need to learn to recognize appearance (including clothing, hair styles, make-up) for what it is, decoration and not a definition of who anybody is.
3. Do you care about the person who’s telling you you’re fat or ugly, for example? As I told my first wife frequently, why would you care about the opinions of people you don’t know or don’t respect?
4. What was the intention behind other people’s comments? Were they meant to hurt you or were they sincere attempts, however badly worded, to help you (e.g. by saying you look unhealthily overweight)?
5. Try to understand why you think you are, again, for example, ugly or fat? Ugliness is, in most cases, highly subjective and irrelevant, while fat is, or should be, a simple factual observation. Either way, the only thing that matters, health aside, is how you feel about yourself – and you should not allow yourself to be swayed by pop culture.
6. As an addition to the previous point, if somebody tells you something like you are fat or ugly (and again, these are only examples of what I’ve seen people being concerned about), or you feel that way after seeing a billboard or TV show, ask yourself whether it is objectively true. Because if not, then you may well be worrying about nothing.
7. Make a list of your positive qualities (e.g. kindness, compassion, trusting), maybe in a journal. Even if at first you don’t think you have any, I sincerely doubt that’s the case. And remember, you don’t need to consider yourself an expert or guru – if you exhibit any of those traits at all, then list them, because you can always develop them even further.
8. If your concern is that you cannot meet people (e.g. friends, or somebody with whom you can be in a relationship), then I would suggest dating online. By this, I am not necessarily talking about apps such as Tinder, but simply getting to know somebody online before you meet in real life, which is how my second wife and I met, as I discuss here. When you are able to discount all of the physical stuff that often gets in the way, you can truly get to know each other – and if it turns out you are compatible, then looks won’t matter.
9. Use affirmations, which I talk about in various articles on this site. In essence, these are positive statements that you say to yourself multiple times a day, such as “I am a good person” or “I love myself”. Alternatively, you can use computer software to flash these affirmations on your screen in a subliminal manner (i.e. you can barely see them but your brain will react to them) – and there may be phone apps that do a similar thing these days. (I have put together a year’s worth of self-love affirmations here.)
10. Get a pet, because dogs, especially, show you unconditional love (provided you treat them well, of course), and you can create a real bond with them. (It’s actually one of the recommendations for dealing with depression, as you can read about here.) This can be a great way to begin to appreciate that you are lovable – before you venture out into the world at large.

The sad fact is that anybody who looks different to the norm, or behaves in a different way, is going to stand out.

And I suspect every single person is different in at least one regard, whatever that may be.

There is a town in the UK called Swindon and it is (or, at least, was) the “most average” town in the country.

I never discovered exactly what they meant by that, but I’m assuming that its population were closest to specific national averages, such as, for example, income and family size, as well as any other number of undisclosed criteria.

It may or may not have meant anything, but my first thought was, who wants to be average, to blend in with everybody else?

Isn’t one of the joys of being a human that we are all unique, with our own distinct appearance and set of qualities and talents?

So if you are upset because you don’t “fit in”, ask yourself why it’s important to fit in.

I know that people are often suspicious of and uncomfortable with people who are “different” (either to ourselves or to societal norms), but this does not in itself make those people bad or undesirable.

It seems an odd dichotomy to me that, as I’ve grown older, I have simultaneously become more accepting and open-minded in many areas, and yet less tolerant in others.

And I think the areas where my tolerance has decreased map closely to the values I established in my 30s and 40s.

But the point here is that learning to accept people and things that are different and maybe outside of your comfort zone is a sign of maturity and confidence in who you are as a person.

This article has turned out to be a lot longer than I anticipated, so finally, I understand that everybody is going through battles in their lives that nobody else likely sees or appreciates, and that there are few one-size-fits-all solutions, but it breaks my heart when I see posts such as the one that sparked this article.

As a general rule, people need to stop being so judgemental, especially about things that don’t really matter (such as people’s appearance) and to remember that we are all here, sharing the same planet (with other animals too, not only us humans), so cooperation and caring for each other is a good way to live our lives.

To paraphrase Caleb when he’s talking to his sister, Beatrice, near the beginning of the movie Divergent, helping others doesn’t have to be difficult – you just have to be willing to take a few moments to ask yourself how you would feel if you were in need and nobody assisted you.