Why Seeking Approval From Others Can Hold You Back

Our need to seek other people’s approval starts early on in life for most of us, as we try to please our parents.

This is often accompanied by some sort of reward mechanism, e.g. “If you do this, we’ll give you that.“

And sometimes, it’s more like a carrot and stick approach – i.e. there’s a reward for doing what you are told, but there’s also a punishment for not doing that.

This approval-seeking behaviour continues through school and college, and then, in the real world, it’s a large part of both work and family life.

For some people, it never seems to end. How many times have you heard adults, who maybe have children of their own, say that they want to make their parents proud? And in some cases, this carries on even after your parents are dead.

There’s one more major factor that has made attention and approval seeking an even larger phenomenon, and that’s social media.

Of course, it’s nice to receive a pat on the head or an attaboy, but there are downsides to seeking approval, which is what this article explores.

The Downsides Of Seeking Approval

Disappointments

No matter how much time and effort you spend on trying to get others to like you, there will almost always be those who never do. This may be for reasons they make clear to you, but you may never find out why they don’t like you (or approve of what you do).

Energy

When you expend your energy on seeking the approval of other people, you are not really using it wisely.

Would it not be better to spend that effort on yourself in some form of self-care or personal growth that is of direct benefit to you (e.g. meditation, learning a new skill)?

Identity

If you spend your life trying to gain approval from others, you can lose your sense of who you are.

I’ve written about how you can go about defining what’s important to you and working out who you truly are here, but until you do that, you may find you are constantly adjusting your opinions and beliefs based on what other people think.

Loss Of Control

By seeking others’ approval, you are handing over control of your life to somebody else, because you will be making decisions based on what they want rather than what you want.

You may feel that it’s what you want, but really what you are craving is their approval instead of what might be best for you.

Time

Seeking somebody else’s approval takes time on your part – time that you could probably put to better use.

Uncontrollable

You can never really control what others think about you, so why spend time trying?

Even (or maybe because) you do the right thing, some people will still not like you for it.

Unhappiness

Happiness comes from within, not without – so if you’re looking to feel happy by gaining the approval of others, you’re not going to find it, because their approval is largely meaningless.

Worry

If you are constantly wondering what others think about you, you’re going to start feeling worried and anxious – and for no good reason in most cases.

So, What Can You Do To Stop Seeking Others’ Approval?

Establish The Real You

As I mentioned above, once you know what matters to you in life, and what your principles and morals and ethics are, you will find yourself needing to seek the approval of other people less and less.

Ask Yourself Why They Matter

You should look at the people (either generally or specifically) you are seeking approval from and ask yourself, why do you care what they think?

What are those people to you?

Some may be family, including parents, and while you probably don’t want to knowingly disappoint them or cause them harm (physically or emotionally), you have a duty to yourself to be true to you, not to somebody else’s ideal of who you should be.

Others may be co-workers. Of course, you have to gain the approval of your boss, because that’s the person who decides whether to keep you or fire you, whether to promote you or not, or whether to increase your salary or not. But this approval is less about what they think about you as a person and more about whether you’re doing the job you are being paid for satisfactorily.

Some may be friends, but again, do you want your life to be determined by them or by yourself?

And others may be people you have never met in real life, but with whom you are connected on social media – and these are the people whose opinion you should care about least, along with total strangers.

Acceptance

You are who you are – the result of innumerable experiences and feelings – and if you don’t like who you are, then you and only you can decide to change.

Or, you can accept who you are and be happy with it – but this is your choice, not somebody else’s.

In a similar vein, you need to accept that other people are different and may not like the same things you do. Here’s the thing, though, and something people today seem to have lost sight of – you can disagree with others on many things (e.g. favourite movies, foods, books, fashions, cars, technology, even politicians) but still be friends with them.

Having said that, there are some beliefs that are, and perhaps should be, polarizing. For example, if one person thinks that all life matters, whereas the other thinks that some people deserve to die of starvation or as innocent bystanders in other people’s wars, then I think it’s going to be difficult for them ever to see eye to eye – but that’s maybe because this sort of issue gets right down to who you are as a person and your principles.

Focus On Things That Matter

This is similar to the above idea of establishing who you are, but if you are honest with yourself, does it really matter if your “friends” on Facebook approve of your latest hairstyle or clothing choices?

Yes, there are social norms, such as not turning up to work in clothing that is deemed inappropriate (often for no good reason), but outside of work, who cares whether you feel comfortable wearing certain clothes or looking a certain way?

You should, of course, but why care what others think?

If they unfriend you (in real life or online) because of your choices in areas that are, for the most part, insignificant, then you may be better off without them.

Assertiveness

One example would be not doing things (e.g. going to parties) that you don’t want to do, but going anyway because you don’t want others to make fun of you.

I was like this for a long time, attending social events from work when I didn’t want to go, and eventually I decided enough was enough.

And I get that you can come under a lot of peer and social pressure to conform, but once you know who you are and you value yourself, it becomes easier to say “no”.

Another example would be complaining (e.g. with regard to faulty products or bad service). It’s easy and somewhat comfortable to go with the flow, but if you have a valid complaint, it should be aired, not just for your benefit but sometimes for others’ too – even if it makes you feel like some people will think worse of you for it.

Justification

By this, I don’t mean you should have to justify what you say or do to others – only to yourself.

If you have beliefs, it’s generally best to make sure you believe what you believe for good reason. For example, is there real, hard evidence that your beliefs are true?

If you enjoy drinking alcohol, are you sure that the benefits to you outweigh the risks (e.g. because alcohol is a Class I carcinogen)?

If you decide not to go to college, have you fully considered the pros and cons of that decision in terms of it being the right thing for you to do? (My first wife was pressured into going to university and doing a double-honours degree, not because it’s what she wanted but because it was what her parents wanted, and in later life, she resented them – or maybe herself – for it.)

No Comparisons

One reason why many of us seek approval is because we are comparing ourselves to others, not realizing that we are all different and may have different paths through life.

There is nothing that says you have to have done a specific thing by a specific age, or that you need to follow in your parents’ footsteps, or that you have to wear the latest fashion simply because it is the latest fashion.

In the western world at least, we are free to choose how to live our lives, what to think, which clothes to wear, what jobs to do, which cars we buy, and so on.

Be Sincere

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Say what you mean and mean what you say.”

When you are constantly worrying about what others may think, you may find yourself saying what you think they want to hear, rather than what you actually know or believe.

And this also includes not paying insincere compliments to others – which does not, of course, mean you should say something nasty, because keeping your mouth shut or finding something you actually do like is usually an option.

Three Gateways

This touches on the sincerity issue, but there is a saying that before you speak, you should pass those words through three gateways:

1. Is it true? If what you are about to say is not true, then why are you saying it?
2. Is it kind? If your intention is to harm somebody else by what you are about to say, don’t forget that this often says more about you and your character than the person you’re talking about.
3. Is it necessary? Be honest, and assess whether what’s about to come out of your mouth is strictly necessary to the conversation, in that situation and at that time. For example, does it add value to the discussion, does it move it forward in a meaningful way?

And, of course, these three gateways apply not only to the spoken word, but to any communication, including physical letters, emails, text messages, and posts / comments on social media.

By passing your message through these gateways, it will help to ensure that you are not saying something because you are trying to gain other people’s approval, but because what you want to say is worth saying based on its own merits.

Practise Self-Care

By this, I mean taking a break from the outside world every so often, to focus on yourself and your well-being.

Options include the many different forms of meditation (e.g. mindfulness, Boketto, walking meditation), tai chi, yoga, or anything that encourages you to be at peace with yourself – and not worry about other people and their opinions.

Journalling

Sometimes, writing down (preferably on paper rather than using a computer, although either can work) everything can be a great way to clarify your thoughts.

Journalling has proven therapeutic benefits, and as I have also written about elsewhere, it was one of the key actions that helped me recover from my long-term depression.

By writing down why you think you seek approval, where it might stem from, which type of people you seek acceptance from, and probably much more, you will be able to establish for yourself that it’s usually not a healthy way to spend you time and energy.

In addition to the above, which is more like a one-time activity, you could spend a few minutes each evening jotting down notes about any times during that day when you found yourself seeking approval, and why you think you did it. Over time, you will be able to see patterns, which will help you to avoid such behaviour in future.

Personal Anecdotes

Although it took me well into my 40s before I stopped worrying about what others thought of me, I have never lost my self-consciousness fully.

For example, I would never wear a Halloween costume, but I’m not sure whether it’s because I think others will think it looks stupid, or because I simply and intrinsically do not enjoy dressing up.

But I am a lot more willing to speak my mind, even with opinions that I know others may not agree with – and that’s something I would rarely have done when I was younger.

I even had a wake-up call of sorts when I was about 20 or so.

I was at the home of my girlfriend’s parents, and her brother, who was about 12 years younger than she was, had just received his exam results in the mail.

He was not the academic type, and his results were not that great.

But what really got my attention was what his mother (and my future mother-in-law) said. The very first words out of her mouth when she saw those results were, “What am I going to tell Norma at work?”

Yes, her primary concern was what one of her co-workers would think when she learned about those disappointing results – and not about how her own son might be feeling.

I found that to be an appalling attitude for a mother to have, and it’s stuck with me ever since – and yet, because of other personal issues, it was not a significant enough trigger for me to stop caring about what others thought of me – something that wouldn’t happen for another 20 years or so.

I don’t regret that because, as I have written about elsewhere, I don’t believe having regrets is a healthy or helpful activity, but I think it’s safe to say that my life would have been different if I had been more willing to focus on my own approval and be more assertive.

Conclusion

The only person whose approval you really need is you.

Once you know who you are and what’s important to you in life, then what you do and say is either consistent with those beliefs and principles, or it isn’t.

If it isn’t, then you’ve just found an area where you might want or need to improve, and if it is, then congratulations, you’ve won your own approval.

Of course, when it comes to family (e.g. spouse, children), you clearly shouldn’t do anything that will harm them either – gaining your own approval is not about utter selfishness, of course.