Separation Anxiety In Babies & Pre-Schoolers

New parents are more than likely going to experience several bouts of separation anxiety in their children – both as a baby, and as preschoolers.

The bad news is, it will make you feel awful, as though you’re not being a good parent.

The good news is, these are temporary phases that they will grow out of.

This report will help you identify signs that your child is feeling anxious about being separated from you, and provide some strategies that will help them (and you) deal with this.

BABIES

Here are some of the things to look out for, particularly within the six to twelve month age range.

Crying When Handed To Somebody Else

In most cases, babies develop a very strong bond with their mothers during the first few months of life, but at that stage, your infant is relying on their mom’s smell and sound.

As they grow older, they come to recognize that these smells and sounds actually belong to another individual who is also a crucial part of their life.

And when they realize this, they will react, noisily, to being handed to anybody else.

So it may make sense that a baby will cry when handed to a complete stranger, but this can also happen when handed to their father.

As hard as it may be though, you need to become comfortable leaving your baby, because it helps develop their independence.

Disrupted Sleep

If your baby is waking frequently throughout the night, and it’s not for the normal reasons such as needing food or their diaper changing, then this could be a sign that they’re anxious – anxious that you have abandoned them.

Here are a few things you can do to minimize this:

1. Have your baby close by you as their bedtime approaches, so that they feel your presence as they nod off.
2. If they do wake during the night, visiting their cot may become a necessity, but it’s vital that you remain calm and do not try to engage them in any way, because you want them to go back to sleep as quickly as possible – both for their benefit and yours.
3. Leave something that will remind your baby of you by their cot. This could be an item of clothing that you’ve been wearing, such as a t-shirt, or maybe a quick spray of your perfume (or cologne in the case of men).

Early Wake-Up

Related to the previous issue is your baby waking up earlier than usual.

Again, this could be separation anxiety, which means you may pick your infant up and find they go straight back to sleep again – an indication that all they wanted was you.

Fortunately, this phase won’t last forever! 🙂

Outbursts When You Leave

This may happen when you leave your infant at daycare, hand them off to a babysitter (especially an unfamiliar one), or even if you need to go to another room in the house, such as the kitchen or bathroom.

You’ll know it when it happens – as will everybody in earshot – because they will make a lot of noise.

Once again, they do this because they are not sure whether you will return or not.

To break this habit, you need to develop their trust – they need to know you’re about to leave, and you need to return when you say you will.

For example, you could always use the same specific “I’ll be back soon” phrase when you’re about to leave, you could kiss them in a certain way, or anything that they can recognize that will indicate you’re about to leave.

However, you need to make this short and remain calm – you don’t want to excite your baby at this time.

Then, when you return, an “I’m back” routine can also help because it reinforces the fact that you are not abandoning them.

Trouble Playing Alone

Once separation anxiety kicks in, you may find that they no longer easily play with their toys by themselves.

You can spend a few moments playing with them if you like, but then you should tell them you’re about to leave for a few minutes, and then make sure you return as promised.

PRESCHOOLERS

As your child reaches preschool age, you may find you go through another phase of separation anxiety.

Again, this is normal – the first day at a new school for any child, no matter how old they are, can be stressful, but if this is the very first time they’ve been left in a new building with a large number of strangers and without their mom or dad, then this stress can be exacerbated. (It can also recur if they change preschool, even if they’re already used to leaving their mom and dad for a few hours.)

The good news it at this preschool anxiety is typically short-lived (sometimes as little as four weeks).

Crying

Many children will cry, especially on their first day.

This is normal, and it’s not anything you need to worry about – i.e. it does not mean they are (or will be) emotionally weak or immature.

And in many cases, once they become immersed in all of the day’s activities, their anxiety will naturally ebb away.

Research indicates that this crying phase is strongest during the first two weeks, and that it starts to decline after that.

Familiarisation

This applies both to getting your child used to interacting with others (children as well as adults) as well as to the building they’ll be in.

The more used they are to this, the less stress they will suffer.

For example, if they’ve attended pre-kindergarten activities, or other children’s birthday parties, they won’t be as fearful about meeting so many strangers.

This is actually one reason why occasionally hiring a babysitter can be beneficial – because it gets your child used to being with somebody else, while still in a safe environment.

And if they’ve already been taken on a tour of the building (e.g. daycare, kindergarten), then that will help – but by all means repeat that tour on their first day, just in case they’re frightened they won’t know where to go.

Handover

When you do drop your child off, make the handover as brief and calm as possible:

1. Find a member of staff.
2. Give your child a quick hug and kiss.
3. Tell them you’ll pick them up later (and agree when and where).
4. Say goodbye.
5. Hand them over to the staff member.
6. Leave without hanging around.
7. If your child perceives that you’re upset or anxious about leaving them, it will make them feel the same way. I know it can be hard on parents too, leaving their children at school, but it’s best to save your tears until later.

When my mum took me to my first day at boarding school when I was seven, she apparently cried all the way home – but I would never have known she was so upset on the way to the school, because she hid it well.

Positive Reinforcement

Before you arrive at the school, reassure your child that they will be safe, have fun, and that you are pleased they are coping so well.

After you pick them up from school, praise them for managing without you for a few hours, and focus on asking them what they did, what they enjoyed the most, and any other positive experiences.

Distraction Tactics

Before leaving home for school, one mother has a goodbye ritual that is fun and relieves any stress her child may have. She has a stack of cards that has a picture of a mother hugging her child, and a pair of lips to indicate a kiss. Each card has a number on it. She mixes the cards up and lets her child choose one – and the number on the card is how many kisses and hugs they will share.

On the way to school, why not play a game to distract them? For example, count how many red cars they see, or look for people wearing blue clothes?

While at school, you can tape a photo of your family inside their lunchbox, perhaps with a secret message – which you could change each day. Looking at this during the day will remind the child that they are loved and never truly alone.

CONCLUSION

Babies and preschoolers suffering from separation anxiety have one thing in common – they need to learn that when you leave them, it’s only temporary and that you will return, and that just because you’re not there doesn’t mean they aren’t safe.

So, look out for the above signs, try some of the strategies, but above all, use your judgement.

I know it’s easy to want to give in to your child’s every need, but sometimes, for both their good and your own, you do need to practise tough love.

And one final positive note: one study found that children who took time to settle in were more alert, curious and assertive, once they felt at ease.