51 Mental And Emotional Abuse Tactics To Be Aware Of

Some of the tactics used by people who emotionally and mentally abuse others may be obvious, but these people, who are frequently narcissists, have a lot of tricks up their sleeves that may be more subtle – even though long-term exposure to such abuse can be just as damaging.

This guide lists many of the emotional abuse tactics that may be employed against you – or against somebody you care for.

Accusing You Of Childishness

This may include calling your hobbies a waste of time, or something only kids do, or they may tell you you’ll never be any good at a sport or activity you have taken up.

What it really means is that they don’t want you doing anything without them, or that may show them up if you end up being better than they are, because they have a need to control you.

Acting Helplessly

An abuser will often claim they don’t know how to do something for no other reason than they know you will do it for them.

Blaming You For Their Behaviour

Abusers do this because they will not accept responsibility for what they say or do, so they may claim that everything is your fault.

Button Pushing

Once an abuser has worked out what triggers you, and that won’t take long because they are experts at this, then they will push your button(s) relentlessly.

Claiming They’re The Victim

This is a bold move, trying to pretend that you’re the one doing the abusing and they’re simply the innocent victim, but it’s a tactic that works well once they’ve already worn you down and got you questioning yourself.

Clinginess

For example, they will try to prevent you from going out (e.g. to meet friends), not because they truly need you, but because they can’t bear the thought of you enjoying yourself without them and with anybody else.

Comparing You To Others

If your partner is always comparing you to other people (e.g. somebody you know, celebrities), in an unflattering or critical way, then this is a not so subtle attempt at putting you down.

Demanding Compliance Via Threats

An abuser will threaten you with something that’s important to you (e.g. taking your children away) in order to get you to do what you want. It’s really emotional blackmail by another name.

Denying Their Behaviour

If you ever pluck up the courage to tell your partner that you feel they are abusing you, they will probably feign surprise that you could ever believe they would do such a thing.

This is not only an attempt to protect their own fragile ego, but also a way of demeaning you by trying to make you think it’s all imaginary.

Disagreeing With How You Feel

If you tell your abuser how you feel, they will typically do one of two things:

1. Tell you that’s not how you’re feeling at all, and suggest some other emotion.
2. Say you’re wrong to feel that way.

Dismissiveness

If you tell your partner, say, something that is important to you, and all they do is roll their eyes, or shake their head, or laugh, or just walk away, then they are demonstrating that they are dismissing you and what you said as trivial. In other words, they don’t really care about your happiness and values.

They may also belittle your accomplishments as either meaning nothing, or they may claim your success was entirely down to them.

Disrupting Family Ties

They will do everything in their power to create a wedge between your and your family. They may even tell your family you can’t attend an event with them – without consulting you at all.

Embarrassing You In Public

In a healthy relationship, any disagreements will be discussed in private – as in the saying, “don’t air your dirty laundry in public” – because they are nobody else’s business.

But the abuser will deliberately pick fights or find fault with you when you’re with company or out in public – with the sole intention of embarrassing you, regardless of the fact it may embarrass other people nearby.

Gaslighting

This is defined as “a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or in members of a targeted group, making them question their own memory, perception, and sanity. Using persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilize the target and delegitimize the target’s belief.”

By questioning your memory of events, they attack your self-confidence thereby seeking to better control you.

I Was Only Joking

Most people joke around with each other – to a degree, it’s even a sign of a healthy relationship, provided it’s two-way and not taken seriously – but the abuser may say or do something you find hurtful, and then they will try to make you feel worse by claiming they were only joking, or that you have no sense of humour.

Ignoring You

They may not pick up your phone calls, or respond to text messages or emails – all so they can control the conversation.

Inciting Dissent

In a further attempt to isolate you from your friends, abusers will try to turn them against you by, for example, claiming you’re mentally hysterical or unstable (which you may well be thanks to the abuse).

Indifference

If you are upset, depressed, angry, or any other strong emotion and they do not react to it the way a partner should (i.e. with concern), then they are clearly sending a message that how you feel is not important to them.

Insulting Your Appearance

Making uncalled for (and often untrue) comments about your choice of clothes, your hairstyle, or maybe your make-up, especially when it’s too late to do anything about it, is abusive – there is no positive intent here (otherwise they would have said something, in a probably more tactful manner, before you went out, for example).

Interrupting You

This may be when you’re talking (either to them or somebody else), or when you’re on the phone with somebody, and it signifies that you’re unimportant and not worth listening to, and that what they have to say is infinitely more important.

Being interrupted has probably been one of my biggest pet peeves my entire life – for entirely that reason. And no matter how hard you try, it’s difficult, after a while, not to start believing that you are, indeed, unimportant. I also think this was a factor in my long bout of depression – until I started speaking up more assertively.

Jealousy

This goes hand in hand with wanting to know where you are and who you are with at all times – they don’t trust you, and they hate the idea of you having fun without them.

Lack Of Affection

They may use sex and intimacy as a weapon to control you, withholding hugs, kisses, sex, and sometimes any physical contact at all to get you do as they demand.

Leaving The Room

This can take two forms:

1. If you’re out, in a social setting, then if they abruptly walk out, they leave you holding the baby and likely feeling embarrassed (even though you shouldn’t – you’re not responsible for their actions).
2. If you’re at home, it’s because they do not desire a resolution to whatever it was you were talking about.

Lectures And Diatribes

When somebody goes on and on and on about a mistake you made, or some perceived shortcoming in your character, beyond what is reasonable, then you may be experiencing yet another emotional abuse tactic.

Micro-Managing You

Normal adults don’t try to run your life for you (e.g choosing your outfit, ordering for you at a restaurant without consulting you, telling you who you may talk to or go out with).

If you feel like you’re being treated like a child and/or kept on a short leash, then you’re being abused.

Name-Calling

These may vary from everyday words like “stupid” or “failure”, to vulgar terms that would not be encountered in polite company (which is why I’m not providing examples).

Not Involving You In Important Decisions

If your partner is making important financial or medical decisions either for the both of you, or for just you, without discussing those matters with you first, then they may be an abuser.

Not Providing Support

On the occasions when you do ask for their support, they will dismiss you because “you’re too needy”.

Ordering Not Asking

If every “request” comes out as a direct order – for example, they will rarely use the word “please” – then they are claiming superiority over you and trying to control you.

It could be argued that, in a healthy relationship, you don’t really need to say “please” every single time you want your partner to do something, but then again, as the saying goes, “courtesy costs nothing”.

Patronizing

When somebody is condescending and talking down to you, this can be another way by which they try to belittle you.

Peer Pressure

Abusers will try to bolster their accusations (e.g. you’re stupid or ugly) by claiming that other people (either specific ones, or everybody) feels the same way about you. This is more than likely not the case, of course.

Pet Names That Are Less Than Flattering

Pet names are commonly used between partners, and they are usually cute, endearing, and fun – but abusers will often use, or tack on additional, words that act more like back-handed compliments, such as “plump chick” instead of just “chick”, or simply words like “piglet”.

In essence, then, this is just an attempt at disguising name-calling.

Physical Abuse

The instant somebody hits you or causes physical harm is the time to seriously consider getting out of the relationship.

They may say they’re sorry and promise not to do it again, but they have already revealed their true colours.

It really isn’t worth the risk of staying and trying to reason with them because it’s highly unlikely their behaviour will change, This means you’ll be living in constant fear of the next attack as long as your relationship lasts, which is where the mental abuse comes in.

Playing The Guilt Card

I’m sure many people have heard their parents say something like, “If it wasn’t for us, you wouldn’t have…” when you were a child.

This is not a normal thing, however, to say to your partner.

Poltergeisting

OK, I think I may have just made this word up, but what I mean by it is when they do something spiteful (e.g. break or damage something of yours, or move something so you can’t find it) and then deny that they did it.

Qualified Love

When somebody tells you “I love you, but…” there is a good chance this is an attempt at controlling you – they’re basically threatening to withdraw their love if you don’t do as they demand.

Refusing To Discuss Your Relationship

If you start discussing relationship matters and your partner changes the subject, leaves the room, or plain tunes you out, then it’s clear they don’t care about the relationship at all – or, at least, only in as much as they can get what they want out of it (i.e. your total obedience).

Requiring Your Respect

Any rational, normal adult knows that respect does not work this way – it has to be earned.

But an abuser will demand that you acquiesce to their every demand, and that you respect them because they say so.

Sarcasm

Of the many different styles of humour and wit, sarcasm is usually intended to be unkind. The recipient is meant to feel hurt, and for the abuser, if there are other people nearby who find the sarcastic comment funny, so much the better.

And there are almost always better ways to phrase what you want to say to eliminate any hint of sarcasm – it’s not something you typically do by accident.

Scare Tactics

Scaring you is the desired outcome of many of the tactics discussed in this guide – because if you’re scared, you’re compliant.

Sexual Blackmail

They may try to control you by persuading you to try sexual activities that you find objectionable or would otherwise prefer not to indulge in.

These attempts may be supported by statements such as “If you really loved me, you’d do it”, or “Other people don’t have a problem with this.”

Spying

In days gone by, this would usually involve looking in your partner’s wallet or handbag / purse, but these days, it’s more likely to involve some form of electronic spying (e.g. checking your phone for text messages, looking at your emails, searching through your browser history), not only so they can know exactly what you’re doing and who you’re communicating with, but also in the hope they will find something they consider incriminating so they can use that against you and control you.

Stop Looking At You

They will either not look at you at all, or turn away when you’re talking.

This sends a very specific message whose intention is to dehumanize and demean you.

Taking Control Of All The Finances

When I was about to get married the first time, in my early 20s, I was told by a relative of mine that I should never tell my wife how much I earned.

It seemed like odd advice – how can a couple budget for everything if they don’t know what, between them, they have to work with.

This relative was a control freak and her “advice” echoes behaviours of abusers – they want to manage the money all by themselves, (my father-in-law demanded his wife hand over her weekly pay packet intact every Friday, and there was hell to pay if had been opened or any money had been spent), and by controlling access to your money, they force you to depend on them.

They may even give you an allowance, and demand you account for everything you spend.

Temper Tantrums

Yes, I know these are usually associated with toddlers, but abusers throw these too when they can’t get their own way or you don’t do as they demand.

Tracking Your Every Move

While it’s normal to want to know people you care about (e.g. your partner) are safe, it is not normal to want to know exactly where they are every minute of the day.

They not only demand to know where you are going, how long you’ll be, who you’ll be with, etc., but if they contact you in any way, they will be angry if you do not respond immediately.

Turning The Tables

An abuser will often instigate an argument, for example, and then try to turn it around and blame you for having started it.

Unpredictability

When you’re on tenterhooks all the time because you don’t know when your partner will have a violent mood swing, for no apparent reason, then it’s possible your partner is abusing you.

Using Absolutes To Demean You

Almost everybody makes mistakes at some stage – for example, you may be late home because of an extended meeting at work, or late for a date because of traffic.

But rather than not draw attention to it, an abuser will not only make a big deal of it, but they will use words such as “always” (e.g. “you’re always late”) or “never (e.g. “you’ve never on time”).

Absolute terms like these are almost never justified or accurate, of course, and are often an attempt to make you seem like a bad person.

Yelling

This, and all its other variants (e.g. screaming, swearing, shouting) are attempts to intimidate you, perhaps with an unspoken threat of physical violence if you don’t submit to their demands.

You’re Over-Reacting

If you’ve ever told anybody this, for any reason, then you probably already know how well this works. (Hint: it doesn’t!)

But an abuser will use this to try to trivialize your emotions to the treatment they’re meting out.

Conclusion

As I said, the emotional abuser has a lot of tools they can and do use. Many of these are sort of similar, but there are subtle nuances that distinguish them.

And don’t forget that abusers can be either gender – estimates suggest it’s roughly a 50:50 split.

But the real question is, if you recognize that you’re being abused, what can you (safely) do about it?

Your physical safety must come first, so if you think that your (or your children) are in danger, call 911 (in the USA) or your local equivalent immediately.

Otherwise, if you need somebody to talk to, in the USA there is the National Domestic Violence Hotline, who can be reached on 800-799-7233, where you can talk or chat in confidence. Other countries may have similar services.

In addition:

1. This is not your fault – you are not responsible for another person’s behaviour.
2. It is unlikely you will be able to change the other person’s behaviour.
3. Try not to get sucked into any more arguments.
4. You can try to stand up for yourself (since abusers may not know how to respond to somebody who challenges them), but this can be dangerous if there is a risk of physical violence, of course.
5. Make a careful note of everything you have observed and been subjected to – because you need to make sure you avoid this type of person in future.
6. Recognize that chronic emotional and mental abuse can be very traumatic, so it will probably take a while to recover from it.
7. Accept that the only way forward may be out.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Find A Counsellor (USA Only)
2. US National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233)