5 Anger Management Tips To Avoid Screaming At Your Kids

It seems that when you have children, yelling at your kids becomes just one more habit you acquire – you don’t want to, of course, but at times, almost every child will drive you to distraction.

There has to be a better way, right?

Because In many ways, children are like little adults – but in other ways, they most definitely are not.

And one of those ways is how they respond to being yelled at. Of course, nobody enjoys this, but children may have their attention grabbed for a second or two, and then they’ll go back to doing whatever they were doing (which will probably annoy you even more).

Well, I can’t promise that I can make your kids behave better – but I can offer some tips on how to deal with your anger with regard to your children, so that you find other ways to manage it without having to resort to shouting all the time.

Be Aware Of Your Anger Levels

After a while, you can detect the early warning signs that you’re about to let your anger out, so as soon as you notice those alarm bells, it’s time to prepare both your self and your children. For example, you could say something like:

• “I had an argument with a friend and I feel badly about it.”
• “I’m exhausted and need to rest for a few minutes.”
• “I’ve had a really bad day in the office today.”
• “Your fighting is making me feel sick because I’m worried you’ll hurt yourselves.”

The key is to be calm and positive, ask them to tone it down or be quiet(er), and make sure they understand, even if it means repeating yourself.

Effective Communication

There are a number of ways you can accomplish this:

• Don’t Go On And On. As you probably already know, children’s attention spans are not that great, so say what you have to say in as few words as possible.
• Consistency. When children are learning how the world works, they do this partly by establishing where the boundaries are (which is why they are always testing them, to see just how far those boundaries can be extended). If you are inconsistent in your expectations of your children, it will be hard for them to work out where the boundaries are, because they’re constantly changing. Also, remember that both parents or guardians need to be consistent too – you don’t want to have your children playing one of you off against the other.
• Listen. There may (occasionally) be a good reason why your child won’t (or can’t) do as you say, so you need to listen to their explanation. This means they also need to speak to you respectfully and politely (i.e. mirroring your behaviour), and you need to hear them out before you respond. Once you have more information, you can then make a better decision on how to deal with the situation.
• Make eye contact. There are two reasons why doing this is a good idea. Firstly, children are more likely to listen to what you have to say when you’re looking them in the eye, and secondly, you will be able to see whether they have actually understood what you said.
• Persistence. This one is definitely easier said than done, but if you keep telling your kids to do something, for example, then you eventually give in, they will learn that if they ignore you for long enough, you will do the job for them. However difficult it may be, you need to stand your ground until they do what you ask.
• Talk firmly but clearly. This means making it very obvious what it is they are doing that is making you angry, and what they need to do differently, while at the same time sounding relaxed. Yes, it’s a tricky balance sometimes, but you will get better at it.

Take A Time-Out

Assuming that your children are safe to be left by themselves (or somebody else who is responsible is present), you can also walk away and take a quick break to calm down.

Don’t forget, of course, to explain why you’re leaving the room (e.g. “I need to calm down before we continue this discussion because I’m angry right now.”)

During this short break, which need only be a few minutes, you can:

• Do some breathing exercises.
• Go for a walk around the garden.
• Freshen up (e.g. splash some water on your face).
• Listen to some calming music.
• Meditate.

The ABC Method

Dr. Alan Kazdin, a professor of child psychiatry and psychology at Yale, created this three-step process for parenting in a calmer, more positive, and more efficient way.

1. Antecedent

   Step 1 requires you to give your child advance warning of what you expect them to do (e.g. “When you go to bed later tonight, you need to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket.”), well before they actually have to do it. This way, when the time comes for them to do whatever it is, it won’t come as a complete surprise and their minds will have been primed.

2. Behaviours
   
   Because children learn by example, then you need to make sure you practise what you preach.

   So, if you want your children to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, they need to see that you do that yourself too.

3. Consequence

   This third and final step is all about positive reinforcement. In other words, once your child has done what you asked or expected of them, you need to praise them.

   This praise should be exaggerated, such as loud words of praise (so your other children can hear it too) accompanied by a big hug (or any other form of physical affection that works with your child).

   The idea here is to help them associate doing the thing they did (e.g. put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket) with something positive and pleasurable.

Understand Your Own Anger

Once you understand how your own anger presents, and what triggers it, you are in a better position to head it off at the pass before you say or do something you’ll regret.

In almost all circumstances, you are not only angry – there is usually some other emotion that comes with it. Those feelings might include, for example:

• Embarrassment
• Fear
• Guilt
• Overwhelmed
• Panic
• Sadness
• Shame
• Stress

So, make a note of the emotion that immediately precedes your anger.

Next, think about the physical symptoms that you show when you are angry, such as:

• Altered breathing rhythm
• Flushed face
• Racing heart
• Tension (e.g. in your hands, as fists)

Then, think about what triggers your anger. Common things are children that say (often repeatedly):

• “I’m not going to…”
• “I don’t want to…”
• “Why?”
• “Why not?”
• And every parent’s all-time favourite, “Are we there yet?” 🙂

Other triggers might be their behaviours (e.g. fighting, not putting their toys away, unacceptable table manners, temper tantrums at bedtime). This can also include less drastic behaviours that happen when you are trying to do something else (e.g. cook dinner, work at your computer, have a serious discussion with your partner, driving your car) when you cannot afford to be distracted.

Once you understand all of this, you will be better placed to prevent yourself from reaching the stage of being angry and, for example, shouting at your kids.

Conclusion

Remember, successfully managing your anger is a skill, and like all skills, you will make mistakes at first, but with practice, you will improve.

And the end goal is, of course, worth it – because you don’t want your children to grow up thinking that shouting and yelling is the only way to deal with things that annoy and upset them.

And lastly, don’t forget to check out our main article on anger management, if you’ve not already done so.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Find An Anger Management Therapist (US Only)
3. Just Listen