23 Ways To Really Help Somebody Suffering From Depression

The brains of people suffering from depression do not function like other people’s brains, which means that if you want to help them, you have to do it in the right way.

This guide lists 23 tips and strategies on how to truly help them in practical and meaningful ways.

Appropriate Physical Contact

This could be as simple as holding somebody’s hand, or it may be a full hug.

You don’t need to say anything, and in many cases it may be better not to – but the expression of affection and caring can make much more of a difference than you may think.

And one final note – the word “appropriate” is crucial here. Please do make sure you’ve not overstepping, and that you do your best to read the other person’s state of mind first.

Be Alert For Red Flags

By “red flags”, I’m really talking about signs that they may be thinking of suicide.

This will depend on how well you know them, of course, but some of the more obvious signs would be writing a suicide note, or even buying a gun.

More subtle signs can include no longer talking about future plans, or no longer doing some of the things they have been doing to get better.

If you notice any such red flags, and, using your best judgement, you should try to encourage them to call the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255). And if you think they are planning on killing themselves imminently, you should call 911 and/or your local emergency room.

And finally here, note that some research shows that asking someone about suicidal thoughts can actually reduce their suicide risk.

Be Honest

People with depression often have trust issues, so lying to them, regardless of your intentions, can cause more harm than good.

For example, it’s perfectly OK to tell them that you have no idea what they’re going through (i.e. rather than pretending you do), but you’re there for them regardless.

Be Patient

Living or being with somebody who is depressed can be frustrating for you – but it is likely nowhere near as frustrating it is for those suffering from it.

They don’t want to be depressed, they hate being depressed, and they usually want to get better – but that is extremely tough.

What may seem like a small accomplishment to you might be a huge success for them. And while it may not seem like they’re making progress to you, remember that every step forward for them is (or should be) something to celebrate.

So, try to hide any frustration you may feel, because the last thing you need to do is shatter their feelings of accomplishment or increase the guilt they may feel at not being their usual selves.

Believe Them

If somebody with depression tells you how they feel, then you should believe them.

Firstly, you have no basis for believing otherwise, and secondly, they need to know that somebody cares enough to listen.

If they thought for one second that people they thought were their friends discounted or belittled how they felt and the pain it causes them, they would likely suffer a huge set-back, and you may lose their trust.

Call Them

While it can be a really great idea to give the person a call from time to time, partly to let them know you are thinking of them, and partly so you can ascertain how they are, there are some obvious caveats here:

1. Not everybody likes using the telephone, even at the best of times. (I have always disliked being on the phone, even when I wasn’t depressed.)
2. It may not be a convenient time for them (e.g. they may be taking a much-needed nap, or be meditating).
3. They may be having a particularly bad day and just don’t want to talk to anybody.

I would therefore recommend letting the person know up front that you appreciate they may not be able to, or feel like, answering your calls, and that is OK.

Dig Deeper

We all know that when somebody says they’re fine, it is not always the complete truth. There may be many reasons for prevaricating, but when somebody is depressed, it could well be that there is something they need to talk about, but either they don’t know how to bring the subject up, or they don’t want to feel like they’re burdening you with their problems.

So, sometimes, you may want to ask a few more detailed questions, to see if you can help them surface an issue that needs to be discussed.

This obviously takes a reasonable degree of people skills (e.g. the ability to read somebody’s mood, knowledge of body language if you’re face-to-face) – something I have always been lacking in – so take care with this one.

Don’t Give Up On Them

Recovering from depression can be an incredibly long and slow journey, so, however hard it may be for you, please try to stay with them for as long as they need you.

There may be valid reasons why you can no longer be there for them in person (e.g. you’re moving because of work), although you can still pick up the phone, of course, but abandoning them when they still need help can cause them to feel worse (e.g. they’ve burdened their friend too much, they’re unlovable).

Encourage Self-Care

People with depression often let their personal hygiene and household chores slip, not because they are lazy but because that’s how depression strikes some people, so, being as tactful as possible of course, and depending on how well you know them, you could suggest they take a shower or wash the dishes, or whatever you see that needs doing.

If you don’t want to be so direct about this, you could try saying something like, “Let me go and get you a clean bath towel out”, or, “Do you have enough dish-washing liquid?”

Focus On Them, Not You

Depression does not strike everybody the same way, so regardless of whether you have been or are depressed yourself, there is a good chance you have no idea what they’re really going through.

So, while it may sound like relating your own experiences will help them (e.g. to not feel alone), it does not always have the desired effect.

If you want to support your friend, remember this is always about them – what they’re feeling, what went well, what went badly, what happened.

Give Them A Small Gift

This need not, and perhaps should not, be anything large, expensive, or grandiose – a simple posy of flowers (maybe picked from your own garden), or some candy (chocolate is perfect because not only do most people love it, but if it’s dark chocolate, it’s also beneficial for depression and anxiety too).

Of course, the key point here is that it shows the other person you are thinking about them.

Help With Household Chores

People with depression are prone to let things slip (e.g. their personal hygiene, tidying up and cleaning around the house).

And this is not because they’re lazy – it’s because their depression is so overpowering that they just cannot bring themselves to do what they know needs to be done.

So, one thing you can do that will truly help friends, family members, or even neighbours, is to do a few household chores for them – or, if they are feeling up to it, share the task with them (but under no circumstances, pressure them into this).

Not only will this make them feel better (e.g. because the dishes have been washed or the laundry has been folded), but it will show that you understand their needs and like / love them enough to want to help.

It’s OK Not Be OK Sometimes

Depressed people often feel guilty about the fact they are not OK, and they are constantly aware of their many failings (in their mind, at least).

Telling them that sometimes it’s OK not to be OK, and that everybody has bad days (relative to their norm), can really help because it can assuage their feelings of guilt.

Just Listen

By this, I mean listen without offering solutions (unless you are asked for them).

As a general rule, women will find this easier because on the whole, they are better listeners, and understand that sometimes, you just need to be heard – which is exactly what those with depression want.

Men, on the other hand, tend to be solution-focused, so it can be really hard to listen to somebody telling you about a problem and not immediately want to try to solve it.

When somebody is in “please listen to me mode”, offering solutions rarely goes well, and yes, I am speaking from personal experience here.

Learn About Depression

The more you can learn about depression, what it is, what makes it worse, what makes it better, how to help those suffering from it, the better.

It should go without saying that you should not make a big deal about doing this – it should merely be information you can use to help the person you care about in a way that is most beneficial.

You will, of course, find many articles on this site that can help you here.

Never Judge

Your role is to support your depressed friend, not to judge them.

Remember, you probably have no idea how the person truly feels about their depression, and their brains are not currently functioning like those of people who aren’t depressed.

They probably know themselves that some of what they do or say is not right or not what they would do under normal conditions, but the last thing they need is to be reminded of that.

Offer Specific Help

It’s easy to say, “Is there anything I can do?”, but it’s rarely effective or even that welcome.

Firstly, this is a bit like the proverbial, “We must get together some time”, which is accepted by both parties that the get-together will probably never happen.

And secondly, it puts all the onus on the person who is depressed, because they now have to think about something specific, and that could be difficult for them. A person with depression may not be able to think clearly enough to say what needs to be done. While they may be aware that they are not doing all the things they used to before the depression, their thinking may be too cloudy to focus on specifics.

So, try to offer specific help, such as “Would you like me to go to the store for you?”, or “How about I mow the lawn for you?”

Provide Distractions

Again, depending on well you know the person, you could suggest a movie evening together, or a walk, or anything you know they would usually enjoy.

We all need distractions from our day-to-day lives, whether we’re depressed or not, but remember you should never try to pressure or guilt them into doing something they don’t want to do. And don’t forget that this is about them, not you.

Remind Them Of Their Successes

Without being patronizing, of course, do remind them of what they have accomplished, however small it may appear to you, in their journey of treating their depression. This can include their positive effect on others, as well as more tangible things.

Send Then A Quick Text / Meme

Sending them a random, quick text to say you’re thinking of them, or a funny meme (that you’ve carefully thought about to make sure they will appreciate it), can give a depressed person a moment of colour in an otherwise grey day.

The message itself may not be as important as the fact that you are checking in to make sure they are OK.

Don’t overdo it, of course, and don’t expect that they will always respond – they may want to, but that doesn’t mean they will have the mental strength to do so.

So if they don’t reply to you or react in the way you would usually expect (and this applies in any situation, even face-to-face), do not take this personally.

Suggest Therapy

However helpful and useful you may be to the depressed person, remember you are there to support them, not to fix them.

So if they are not already getting therapy, then feel free to suggest it – in as tactful a way as you can, and don’t push it too hard – because sometimes therapy can help far more than you might expect. (This was certainly the case for me – I didn’t think it would help, and didn’t want to go, but it was actually both helpful and enjoyable, in a weird sort of way.)

And, of course, you can offer to help them find the help they need.

Tell Them What They Mean To You

Reminding somebody with depression that you love them and care about them, and that they mean a lot to you, can make a world of difference to a person who lives in a world where they feel alone and don’t want to be a burden to others.

Use “We”, Not “You”

Try saying, for example, “We will get through this” rather than “You’ll get through this”, and see what a difference it can make.

The change in wording may seem subtle, but it shows them that they’re not alone and that you are there for them should they need it.

Conclusion

If you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression, there is a lot to be aware of, as you can see from this guide, so be sure it’s a role you are willing to take on, because once you start, backing out can be harmful.

And yes, there is a lot to take in and remember here – it can feel like walking on eggshells (I know, I’ve been there).

But if it’s a person you truly care about, or love, then you may be the only person who is in a position to help.

I wish I could say that the pain (of seeing somebody you care about in such a state) and effort was worth it, but in my case, the person I was with never recovered, largely because they were unwilling or unable to accept help (both from me and from a professional) and to make the necessary changes that would have helped alleviate or eliminate the depression.

But if you are fortunate enough to see a change for the better, I don’t doubt that you will feel elated – both for the other person, of course, and for yourself (e.g. because you have helped somebody deal with one of the nastier tricks life can play on you, and because the person you care about is back to normal again).

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. When Somebody You Love Suffers From Depression