19 Things You Should NEVER Say To Somebody Suffering From Depression

People with depression do not think like those who are fortunate enough not to suffer from it, which means they may not react the way you expect when you say certain things to them.

In fact, there are quite a few things you should NEVER say to people with depression, and this guide addresses the most common of those.

“Do You Really Need Those Prescription Drugs?”

Most people with depression are on medications for a reason.

And the fact that you rarely hear this for any other type of illness demonstrates that mental health problems still carry an unwarranted stigma.

Personally, antidepressants and other meds would always be a last resort for me, as I prefer to try natural solutions to health issues first, but I accept some people are unable to cope without them. (I also recognize that my depression, while long-lasting, was relatively mild compared to what some people go through.)

Also, there is research to show that some antidepressants are more addictive than doctors will tell you, and that some, especially those classified as SSRIs, can induce violent and suicidal thoughts.

This is why you need to find a doctor you trust, who will listen to you, and who will do what he or she genuinely believes is best for you.

But to return to the original statement, it’s dismissive, and suggests that the person thinks your depression is imaginary or deliberately faked.

“Everybody Has Bad Days”

Yes, they do, but depression isn’t “just a bad day” – it can be a non-stop series of worse-than-bad days, that can last for months or years.

This statement shows that the speaker has zero idea what depression is like, and if it’s an attempt to make the person suffering feel better – then it won’t, ever.

“It’s A Gorgeous Day”

This is likely said with the best of intentions, but it overlooks one crucial factor – people with depression do not see or experience the world like everybody else.

You simply can not force somebody with depression to “be happy”.

“It’s All In Your Head”

Firstly, this statement carries the implication that their illness (i.e. depression) is imaginary and that they’re just making it up.

Secondly, it feels like you’re belittling their problem and not taking it seriously.

And thirdly, while many of the symptoms of depression do affect your brain, there are plenty of others that can have physical effects too.

“Just Get Over It”

This is similar to telling somebody to snap out of it – it’s belittling and dismissive to somebody who is living with depression 24 hours a day.

The correct (sarcastic) response, if you were thinking clearly and weren’t depressed, should be, “Thanks, I’d never thought of trying that!”

“Life Isn’t Fair”

I have never been a fan of this comment, regardless of depression.

The “life” referred to in this meaningless phrase doesn’t exist, at least not in the way people mean it. As used here, it implies that “life” exists as some sort of conscious entity that decides whether to deal people good cards or bad cards.

The truth is, good things happen to bad people, and vice versa, just like good decisions can lead to bad outcomes, and vice versa – because that’s just the way things are.

And when said to people with depression, is this really meant to make them feel better?

While the person saying this might be trying to point out that it’s not your fault you’re depressed, it doesn’t move the person toward feeling better, and it can be perceived, once again, as dismissive.

Nothing At All

If somebody with depression trusts you enough to tell you what is going on and how they feel, one of the worst things you can do is not respond at all.

They’ve opened their hearts to you, and when you say nothing (e.g. instead of asking further questions about your depression, or if there is anything they can do to help), it leaves you feeling naked and (even more) vulnerable.

“Snap Out Of It”

This is perhaps the most annoying sentence you could ever say to a depressed person.

Don’t you think they want to not be depressed?

Don’t you think they would “just snap out of it” if they could?

If you think this is helpful, then please, go and learn something about what depression really is, and do not say this to anybody with depression – ever.

“Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself All The Time”

While it’s true that a person with depression may objectively have a good life (e.g. a nice house, a good partner, a well-paying job, happy and successful children), none of this matters very much if you’re depressed.

The depression sucks the life out of you, meaning every day can be a battle just to make it until bedtime.

And the fact is, people with depression often feel like it’s all their fault (which of course is likely not the case), they may even have forgotten what a “normal life” is like if they’ve been severely depressed for a long time, and they have every right to feel sorry for themselves if that helps them cope.

Their depression was probably caused by something they were not responsible for, they may not even know what caused it, they may not know when it started (because it can often start before you realize it), their lives may be turned upside down (e.g. perhaps they cannot work any longer, maybe friends or family avoid them, because they don’t know how to deal with them), and they have very little, if anything, to look forward to.

“There Are People Worse Off Than You”

While this is true for every single person on the planet except one, it’s really a passive-aggressive way of telling somebody to stop complaining.

It demonstrates that you don’t understand depression, that you don’t believe people when they tell you how bad they feel, and that you are not a supportive person.

“Why Don’t You Smile More Frequently?”

People generally smile when they have a reason to – and people with depression rarely have such a reason.

Don’t you think they want to be happier?

Don’t you think they would like to recapture the joy in life they maybe once felt?

All this will do is strengthen the person’s feeling that they are failures, and increase their sense of guilt.

“You Don’t Look As Though You’re Depressed”

I’m not sure what the average person thinks somebody with depression should look like, but a comment such as this shows that the person has no idea what depression actually is.

Many people suffering from this illness become very good at hiding it (I hid it from friends, family, and colleagues for years), and even if that weren’t the case, it affects people differently. There are literally dozens of symptoms of depression, and since many people are not that great at reading others, they can easily slip by those who are not observant.

But regardless, the implication of this statement is that if you don’t look depressed, you cannot be depressed, therefore you’re faking it.

“You Need Jesus”

Whatever religion they are suggesting you embrace, this is a really bad idea.

Firstly, it suggests that their illness is something that just be “prayed away”, which indicates they don’t understand depression at all. It’s almost as though they’re equating depression to some sort of demonic possession.

Secondly, telling this to somebody who practises a religion other than the one you’re suggesting is at best insensitive, and at worst offensive. And, of course, it won’t work.

Thirdly, saying this to an atheist (who are growing in numbers all the time) is just going to get their hackles up, however well-intentioned it may be.

“You Seem Fine To Me”

Yes, you may, because people with depression can become very adept at hiding their problems. Sometimes they have no choice if they want to keep their job, for example.

But the statement once again suggests that people don’t think you are truly ill – because they don’t understand how depression can affect people and the many ways that those afflicted have to deal with it.

“You Should Get Out More Often”

Again, this is well-meaning, and people with depression probably want to escape the confines of their house, which can sometimes feel like a prison. (People with depression can often also become agoraphobic and suffer panic attacks.)

But trying to force a depressed person to do something they are not ready for is going to backfire in most cases. You could spike their anxiety, make them resent you, and if they try to go out and they cannot make it, it will reinforce their feelings of being failures.

“Your Depression Is Making Me Feel Bad Too“

This is 100% an attempt at a guilt-trip, and if the person saying this thinks it will have the desired effect, they’re as wrong as they could possibly be.

We cannot control how we feel, but we absolutely can, and should, control our reactions to how we feel.

People with severe depression barely have the mental stamina to get through the day or think about their own well-being (which is why personal hygiene, for example, can lapse), so what makes you think they have the time and energy to think about others?

“You’re Crazy!”

Do I really need to explain why this is the last thing you should say to somebody with depression?

Even if you’re saying it in jest, just don’t, please! (People with depression are not renowned for finding stuff like this funny.)

“You’re Just An Attention Seeker”

This is just plain rude, uncaring, and ignorant.

People with depression are often seeking the exact opposite of attention – they want to hide away and not see or speak to anybody.

And let’s face it, if you were truly seeking attention, there are much better ways to obtain it than claiming to suffer from mental health problems. The fact that somebody would say something like this to a person with depression illustrates the point precisely – why would you claim to be depressed when people are so dismissive of it?

“You’re Not Trying Hard Enough”

This is another one that is guaranteed to fail.

Firstly, people with depression often struggle just to get through the day – every little thing is a massive effort.

Secondly, you’re just going to make them feel even more guilty than they already are.

Thirdly, nobody with depression wants to feel like that, so if it was simply a case of “trying harder”, don’t you think they might have already thought of that?

Conclusion

Some of the above may be things people say because they are genuinely trying to be helpful – it’s just that they haven’t fully thought it through and these statements or questions don’t work.

And some may be things people say because they simply do not understand what depression is and how it can affect people.

As I’ve said in another guide, dealing with people who suffer from depression is like walking on eggshells.

And while most people don’t deliberately go out of their way to upset or annoy those with mental health problems, it is always worth thinking before you open your mouth – try to consider if what you are about to say could be misconstrued in some way. There are always alternative ways to say something.

There are other guides on this site that cover both of the above issues – one that discusses how to truly help people with depression, and one that lists dozens of signs that people may be depressed – which may be worth a read.