19 Secrets To Dealing With Grief And Bereavement

At some stage in their life, most people will lose somebody close to them, and the important thing to remember is that everybody deals with this grief differently.

For me, I have lost three people who were close to me. (I have, of course, lost many others, but only three who meant a lot to me – my mother, my maternal grandfather, and, more recently, my second wife.

While I used to cry a lot as a child, often for no apparent reason, once I hit my teens, I became a lot less emotional.

So, in all three cases, I never cried, either at the time (including at the funeral) or later, and I do not honestly think I ever did what most people would call grieving either. With two of these deaths being over 20 years ago now, it seems unlikely that I ever will.

Yes, I miss them, but I’m not sure that’s what most people would call grief.

I suspect that this is very unusual, and while some may conclude that I can’t have loved them very much, this is just the way I am. My reaction (or lack thereof) may be atypical – but it’s not “wrong” – it’s right for me.

This article offers a few tips on how to cope with this difficult time (which can, of course, last for years – in fact, it may never go away completely).

Create Your Own Traditions

Some people find it helpful to start new traditions (e.g. at Christmas or Thanksgiving), rather than perpetuate ones that remind them, painfully, of the person they lost.

You may feel guilty at first, but you still have your life to lead, and starting a new tradition (e.g. maybe you want to go out for Christmas lunch to a restaurant or hotel, or even go away for the holidays completely, e.g. on a cruise), does not in any way mean you love the person you lost any less.

Distraction

Sometimes, you just need to get out of the house with a friend or two and go and do something to take your mind off your loss.

Remember, there is no rule that says you have sit in mourning for the rest of your life and not enjoy yourself. Do you really believe the person you lost would want you to do that?

So, why not try one of the following, for example:

• go for coffee or lunch
• watch a movie or play
• go for a walk or hike
• go on a mystery coach tour for the day
• go to the spa for a day of pampering
• go swimming
• go to a sports match or event

One thing I have witnessed personally is how joining a club related to a hobby can help,

I used to be a member of an arctophiles’ club (i.e. people who liked teddy bears), and one lady in particular had just lost her husband way too early (thanks to a brain tumour caused by his military service) – and it affected her deeply.

She used teddy bears as one of her mechanisms for dealing with her loss – as did other members of the club too.

In fact, she became obsessive about her teddy bear collection – but she recognized that this was what was happening and that it was part of her healing process.

Once her grief became manageable, she sold off a lot of her bears because she no longer needed them.

Don’t Be Afraid To Ask For Help

Like with most problems people encounter in life, there is nothing that says you ever have to deal with grief all by yourself.

Of course, some people do (but may need help with other issues, such as anxiety or depression), but most people may need support, advice, or just somebody to sit and listen.

Help can come from anybody you think can assist, whether that’s a family member, a friend, even a work colleague, or a person at a grief support group, and don’t forget there are grief counsellors who you can turn to, if necessary.

Don’t Judge Your Grief

There is no right or wrong way on how to grieve – or for how long.

That means comparing how you are grieving to how other people deal with it is not only pointless, but it can also cause you additional anguish and stress (e.g. because you don’t think you are grieving in the accepted way).

So, just accept that the way you are grieving is perfect – for you.

Don’t Submit To Peer Pressure

There are certain traditions and expectations when it comes to dealing with death, but remember those are not rules that you have to follow unquestioningly.

Many of these relate to funeral etiquette, which is, to a large degree, cultural too.

In my case, I never liked the idea of having to draw the curtains before you left for the funeral (not least because it seems like a security risk), and having to wear a black tie.

When my mother died, I was castigated by another family member for not wearing a black tie at the funeral, and it got my hackles up.

To me, the black tie was a pointless symbol of grief, so instead, I wore a tie that was associated with an accomplishment of mine that I knew had made my mother proud. It seemed more appropriate and personal than simply wearing black.

So, my point is, whatever traditions or expectations there may be, you need to do what feels right to you. Yes, there will likely be others who mourn the person’s death too, but they have no more right to tell you what to wear or how to behave than you do to demand similar things of them.

Don’t Take The Five Stages Of Grief Literally

You may have heard of the five stages of grief (i.e. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), and if you haven’t, you can more or less guarantee that somebody will mention them at some stage following your loss.

What’s important to remember about these is that they represent a highly generalized sequence that many people do indeed go through – but they do not apply to everybody.

You may go through different emotions, or you may go through those five in a different sequence.

For example, you may feel guilty the first time you laugh or have fun, because you don’t think you should be allowed to enjoy yourself after your partner, say, has just died.

The key point to the five stages of grief is that you should expect to go through a whole range of emotions after losing somebody close to you.

Expect To Have Your Feelings Hurt

I’m not saying that people will go out of their way to hurt you, but bereavement is one of many situations that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. (Another one, for example, is visiting somebody in hospital.)

This may cause them to say something injudicious (e.g. comparing your loss to something they experienced that is, objectively, of less significance), or they may start spouting clichés, just to break what may be an awkward silence.

These clichés frequently relate to religious beliefs (e.g. “He’s in a better place now”), which can be particularly upsetting to anybody who does not share the person’s religious beliefs (i.e. people of a different religion, or atheists). In most cases, these things are said with the best of intentions, but because the speaker is uncomfortable, they may not think before opening their mouth.

From your perspective, try not to take what others say personally, and if you happen to know the person well enough, feel free to tell them that what they said is not really helping you – and then let them know what would actually help.

Expect Behavioural And Physical Side-Effects

The mind and body are inextricably linked, so the mental pain of grief can cause actual physical pain, for example, as well as behavioural changes.

This tends to happen shortly after the loss, if it happens at all, and usually decreases over time.

Possible symptoms resulting from grief include:

• aches and pains, such as chest pain and headaches
• breathlessness
• comfort eating
• exhaustion and fatigue
• hypersensitivity to noise and light
• increased heart rate
• insomnia
• loss of appetite
• nausea / upset stomach
• panic attacks
• restlessness
• shaking
• skin problems
• trouble concentrating and focusing
• weakened immune system

However, just because your physical symptoms were caused by your grief does not mean you should ignore them – they need treating just like any other issues would.

Honour Their Traditions

Some people like to keep their loved ones’ traditions alive after they are gone, even if it’s not one of their own traditions.

Others, of course, will find this more upsetting than comforting, so as always, this is your choice – do not feel pressured into doing this if you don’t think you can cope or it will help.

Post On Social Media

Announcing you have just lost somebody dear to you on social media, and that you’re going through tough times, may seem like an odd recommendation when you probably don’t feel like engaging with the world (real or virtual), but it can actually be very helpful.

The day after my wife died, I changed my Facebook status to Widowed.

I wasn’t really seeking any attention or sympathy per se – I wanted to announce it so that my friends wouldn’t post something related to my wife, or the two of us as a couple, and then feel embarrassed because they didn’t realize she’d died. (There is, of course, no reason to be embarrassed by something that you had no way of knowing, but that’s a whole other topic.)

What absolutely took me by surprise was the massive number of friends (the vast majority of whom I have never actually met in real life) who posted messages of support, with some offering practical help too (e.g. to go and stay with them).

The fact that so many people took the time and effort to respond to my status change was very touching, and helped me feel less alone.

So, based on my experience, I would strongly suggest posting about your loss (in as much or little detail as you want). But, of course, as I keep saying, everybody is different, which means you may or may not derive as much comfort from this as I did.

Practise Self-Care

It’s important that you look after yourself while you’re grieving, and this includes both physical care (e.g. personal hygiene routines, keep taking any medications you may need, don’t skip meals, get enough sleep) and emotional / mental care.

Here are a few suggestions on what you could consider:

• practise meditation, which has proven health benefits
• re-decorate a room in your house
• take up a creative activity, such as art, music, or writing
• treat yourself to something nice (e.g. fancy chocolates / candies, a meal out, a weekend away, new clothes)

Prepare Escape Plans

After losing somebody, you may feel like you are ready to re-engage with life and start attending social events, say.

And then, when you get there, you either find you cannot cope after all, or somebody may say something completely innocuous that triggers an uncontrollable emotional response.

My first wife lost her father, albeit not unexpectedly, and shortly after we returned home after his funeral, we were meant to attend an evening of entertainment at a local restaurant.

I asked was she ready for that, and she replied that she was. But when we got there, she started crying and bawling and thumping the table, to the point where we had to leave – not least because it was unfair to the other diners.

So, if you are going to go out, try to make sure you have an escape plan in place first.

For example:

1. Tell the host / hostess what has happened (assuming they don’t already know) and that you may have to leave unexpectedly.
2. Keep track of your belongings (e.g. purse, handbag, coat), in case you need to make a bolt for it.
3. Make sure you left your car in a place where you can easily leave (i.e. try not to park it somewhere it can get boxed in).
4. If you don’t drive, either have a local taxi company’s number on hand, or arrange with a friend to be available to pick you up if you call them.

Random Acts Of Kindness

When you’re grieving, what can sometimes help is doing things for others – because bringing a bit of happiness into somebody else’s life can also make you feel better.

This may be something as small as paying it forward at your local coffee shop, so the next customer gets their order for free, or donating toys to a local children’s hospital, visiting strangers in hospital who otherwise receive no visits, or any number of things that will positively affect another person (whether you know them or not).

You may choose to do all this anonymously, or you may want to go to the other extreme and include with your gift a small card that explains why you’re doing it.

Share Positive Memories

When you have a support system in place (e.g. friends, or other people who are grieving too), then sharing pleasant memories of the person who you’ve lost can be very therapeutic, because it focuses on the good, not the bad.

This sharing may include telling stories (e.g. how you met, your wedding), going through photo albums (e.g. from your wedding or vacations), or watching videos (e.g. from vacations or your children playing).

Doing this may, of course, bring tears to your eyes, but that’s OK – you’re with one or more friends, and you’re recalling something positive.

There Is No Timetable For Grieving

While it’s true that most people will start grieving immediately after they’ve lost somebody, for others, this may not really kick in until much later.

There may be an initial reaction, such as crying and shock, but the full impact of it may be delayed.

Again, there is no right or wrong time to grieve – you are the one who has lost somebody dear to you, and you should grieve as and when the time is right for you.

Time Is A Great Healer

Yes, this is a cliché, but that’s because, for most people, it happens to be true.

However bad you feel now, remind yourself that it won’t always be like that.

Remember my teddy bear collector friend from above? She was beyond distraught after her husband was taken from her, and she was like that for many years – but she eventually reached the point where she could function again, she found things she enjoyed, she went out and socialized, she started driving the car again (something she could not do when I first met her), and so on.

Watch Out For Reminders

After you’ve lost somebody, you will probably expect the anniversary of their death to be a difficult day for you. People often say this is worse when the death occurred close to a holiday (e.g. Christmas, Thanksgiving, a birthday, an anniversary).

However, you need to be aware that there will be a whole host of unpredictable reminders of the person you lost.

These could include:

• favourite songs
• movies they enjoyed
• photos of placed they loved to visit
• foods they craved
• even smells

Write A Letter

This again is not for everybody, but some people find it very therapeutic to write a letter to the person they’ve lost.

This letter can include anything and everything, such as:

• all the things you did together that you will never forget
• how you think you will cope without them
• the conversations you had and decisions you made together
• the emotions you are feeling
• what they meant to you – and still do, of course
• your plans for the future

The letter would usually close with a re-statement of your love for them, and, finally, a goodbye.

What you do with this letter is up to you. Here are a few options:

• burn (or otherwise destroy) it
• frame it and hang it on the wall
• paste it into your journal (if you keep one)
• publish it as a memorial
• read it at the funeral as a eulogy (although you may not have time for this, of course)
• use it to start a scrapbook of your lives together

You Will Need Some Alone Time

While I’ve talked about the importance of having a support circle and sharing your feelings, it’s also important to spend some time alone, where you can reflect on everything (e.g. how you feel, recalling memories).

And there may be, of course, some memories you would rather keep private (e.g. intimate details of your honeymoon).

This also means it’s OK to say “no” to invitations. The people inviting you may genuinely think they’re helping, but they need to understand too that you may not be ready for a party, say, yet, or that you may need to cancel at short notice if you’re not up to it on the night.

It’s all about balance, as is the case with life in general – and recognizing when you need to be alone, and when you need to be with somebody else.

Conclusion

I hope you find a few strategies and tips that you can use (or that you could suggest to a friend who is grieving right now).

Some may be more obvious than others, but any of them could help you, even if you don’t think so at first.

While the above is largely about the loss of somebody close to you, remember that grief can result from any type of loss (e.g. a divorce or other relationship break-up, a lost opportunity, a life-changing illness). Some of the above tips apply to those situations too, while others may be less relevant.

I’d like to leave you with one of my all-time favourite quotations, by the Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw:

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Find A Grief Counsellor
2. Grief Recovery Handbook