16 Verbal Abuse Tactics You May Experience And The Damage They Can Cause

It’s easy to think of abuse in physical terms, but verbal abuse is just as common, if not more so, and it can be equally dangerous in many ways.

Statistics are difficult to come by, since many people who are being verbally abused don’t actually recognize it as such, and the effects of it are not as obvious as those of physical abuse.

The only numbers I could find showed that over one third of women in heterosexual relationships had suffered verbal abuse at the hands of their partners – compared to 29% experiencing physical abuse.

Both figures are, of course, far too high, but I only show them so you can see how large a problem verbal abuse is. Look at it this way – for every three women you know, one of them is probably suffering from verbal abuse.

And while the above statistics are related to women, men are not the only ones who engage in this hateful behaviour.

So, this article looks at some of the signs you may be suffering from verbal abuse, and what you can do about it.

What Is Verbal Abuse?

Let’s start with a quick definition – according to Wikipedia, it is “the act of forcefully criticizing, insulting, or denouncing another person. Characterized by underlying anger and hostility, it is a destructive form of communication intended to harm the self-concept of the other person and produce negative emotions.”

Sometimes it’s a precursor to physical abuse, but often it isn’t, which is why it can be hard to detect.

It’s often practised by narcissists and emotional abusers (which I have already written about here), and is just one of the tools in their box of tricks.

Verbal abuse is different, however, to having an argument with your partner.

Arguments are usually about a specific topic in response to a specific situation, both parties are involved, and while there may be some name-calling in the heat of the moment, they usually resolve themselves eventually, with no real harm done.

Verbal abuse, on the other hand, is usually one-sided and can quickly become a chronic behaviour.

And these days, it can take place face-to-face (e.g. at home, in the office), as well as online in what is generally referred to as cyber-bullying.

Signs Of Verbal Abuse

1. Blaming You For Their Behaviour. Verbal abuse includes making you feel responsible for what they do or say. The problem with this is, while we cannot help the emotions we feel, it is our responsibility to decide how we react to them. Nobody else (within a relationship) can force you to do or say anything – it’s all down to you. So when you hear a sentence such as “Now look what you made me do”, consider this verbal abuse.
2. Button Pushing. A verbal abuser will bring up the same topics repeatedly, purely so they can engage in the same arguments you’ve already have many times before, and they do this not because they are ready to make a compromise and reach a solution, but because they want to make you feel bad (again).
3. Condescending Tone. Talking down to your partner, and implying (or even stating outright) that they are stupid, for example, is one form of verbal abuse.
4. Destructive Criticism. There are two types of criticism – constructive, where somebody is trying to help you improve some aspect of your life, and destructive, where the drive is only to be negative and put you down. Guess which type verbal abusers use?
5. Devaluing Interests. If your partner is belittling your interests or hobbies, then know that this is another form of verbal abuse. By saying that your passion for, say, scrapbooking, is stupid or a waste of time, they are, by implication, asisgning those same negative qualities to you.
6. Gaslighting. This is when the abuser tries to make you think that you’re imagining something that happened, or that it happened differently to the way you remember it. It’s a really powerful way to get people to doubt themselves and their own sanity.
7. Humiliation. The goal here is to make you feel bad (or worse) about yourself, so they will belittle your value and self-worth while often bolstering their own sense of self-importance. For example, they may say something like, “You’d be nothing without me” or “Who else would ever find you attractive?”
8. Inappropriate Jokes. Most couples have their in-jokes that others may find strange or even offensive, and as long as these are said in good humour, by both partners, then that’s fine. But a verbal abuser will make jokes that are in bad taste (and not actually funny) about their partner, often regardless of whether they’re alone or not.
9. Isolation. Sometimes refusing to communicate can be a form of verbal abuse – because what is not said can be just as important and damaging as what is said. So, by way of example, not discussing issues that you both know need to be talked about is one way of putting all the onus on you. Likewise, storming out of the room leaving you to explain to others present what is happening is another.
10. Jealousy. Accusing you of being interested in other people (when this is not the case) is yet another way that people may try to abuse you verbally. It’s a deliberate attempt to put you on the defensive so that they can control you.
11. Killing Your Mood. A verbal abuser will not like it when you are happy (and they are not), so they will say anything to bring you down again.
12. Lack Of Respect. Successful relations require that both partners respect each other, but if one of them is an abuser, then they will typically not show enough (or any) respect toward their partner, both when they are alone or when they are in company. (This is just one small part of my How To Keep The Spark Alive course.)
13. Manipulative Language. This happens when one partner uses your relationship as leverage to get you to do something they want (but you don’t). Such statements (or commands, which is what they really are), often take the form of “If you truly love me, you’ll …”.
14. Name-Calling. While many couples have nicknames for each other, some of which may appear rude to outsiders, name-calling is intended to hurt and be derisory, putting the other person down.
15. Refusal To Apologize. Since a verbal abuser will never consider themselves to be in the wrong, they will never think about apologizing – and besides, it would give power to you, which they will avoid at all costs.
16. Threats. This is a clear sign that they are trying to force you into submission, and it often takes the form of “If you don’t do this, I will do that”. They’re playing on your fear, but it’s also a clue, sometimes, that their abuse may escalate to physical violence too.

Effects Of Verbal Abuse

These are some of the problems that being verbally abused can lead to:

• Anxiety
• Cardiovascular problems (caused by stress)
• Chronic pain
• Depression
• Digestive issues
• Eating disorders
• Fearfulness
• Headaches and migraines
• Inability to concentrate and focus
• Indecisiveness
• Insomnia and other sleeping problems
• Loss of enthusiasm
• Low self-esteem
• Overthinking
• PTSD
• Stammering
• Suicidal thoughts
• Ulcers

How To Deal With A Verbal Abuser

1. Acceptance. By this, I don’t mean you should accept your situation and live with it. Instead, I mean you need to accept and recognize that this is what is happening, because until you reach that conclusion yourself, you will have no motivation to find a solution.
2. Avoidance. This is obviously more difficult to do if the abuse is your partner, but in other situations, try to avoid the person as much as you can. Yes, this may mean you need to change your circle of “friends”, but you need to focus on what’s more important.
3. Cut Ties. Sometimes, your only choice may be to cut the abuser out of your life, and if you’re in a relationship, this may necessitate a break-up or divorce. If the verbal abuse is online, then you can unfriend them, block them, or report them. Again, your health is important to you, and to any children you may have.
4. Logic And Reasoning. You may be tempted to reason with such people, but remember that they are not interested in the two of you reaching an agreed resolution – their goal is to put you down and/or make you feel bad about yourself and do what they want.
5. Set Boundaries. You should let them know you will no longer play their games and, if necessary, simply refuse to engage with them when they start their abuse.

Personal Experience

As I have already written about here, I was verbally abused for years, and at first, I know now, looking back, that it was subtle, but as my domestic situation worsened, it became more and more obvious.

For example, I was repeatedly told that “I would rather be in a drunken stupor than live with you”.

Once or twice, you can shake this sort of comment off, but when it, and similar statements, are said multiple times per week for five years or more, then it does indeed start to get to you.

This verbal abuse, and other behaviours (non-physical, I should add), led to my severe depression, with many of the symptoms that brings with it, including lack of self-worth, sleep problems, digestive issues, loss of confidence and, for a long time, suicidal thoughts.

This is why, I think, that I knew I would be 99% better the moment I extricated myself from that situation – because the verbal abuse would stop.

But my point in mentioning my experience is to show how what might start off as almost nothing worth mentioning can escalate into the belief that the world would be better off without you. And the only reason I’m still here is because I was too scared of screwing up the act of killing myself and ending up worse off than I already was.

Conclusion

So, it seems verbal abuse is more widespread and more dangerous than it might first appear.

If you notice yourself practising any of the behaviours mentioned above, then you need to consider the reason why. Maybe you don’t realize you’re doing it, which still means you should try to change those behaviours. Or maybe you’re doing it deliberately, in which case you need to think about what’s driving you, and whether you are in the right relationship.

And if you notice others doing these things to you, you need to decide whether they should still be in your life or not, and if so, under what terms.

Finally, I know it’s sometimes difficult to walk away from situations like this – it took me years before I concluded that divorce was my only way out. But I was lucky – I was the wage-earner and had no children who depended on me, so upping and offing was not a large logistical problem. If you’re the person who is financially dependent on the abuser, then it can be a lot tougher, as it can if you have children to consider too.

In the case of children, because verbal abuse can be directed at children as well as adults, then they have little opportunity to do much about their situation.

But as I’ve said before, your health (both mental and physical) is paramount, so you need to do what you need to do to stay safe.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Find A Counsellor (USA Only)
2. US National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233)