16 De-Stressing Anger Management Tips

Anger is one of the more destructive emotions – it can hurt you, and the people you care about, both mentally and physically.

It’s also one of those emotions that many people find difficult to control.

Having said that, there is a saying that you cannot control how you feel, but you can control how you react to those feelings.

And that is what this article is all about – tips on how to control and manage your anger, before you do or say something you may regret.

Before I start, here’s how the Mayo Clinic defines it: “Anger management is the process of learning to recognize signs that you’re becoming angry and taking action to calm down and deal with the situation in a positive way. Anger management doesn’t try to keep you from feeling anger or encourage you to hold it in. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion when you know how to express it appropriately – anger management is about learning how to do this.”

Some of what follows are tactics you can use when you feel the anger building up inside you while others are more general strategies you can use to become a calmer person overall.

Count To Ten

This is probably the most well-known way to avoid letting your anger escape and cause harm.

The idea of counting to ten is that it gives you time to think before you open your mouth and speak, because often, it only takes a few seconds to realize that your initial reaction to whatever angered you is not the most helpful or appropriate one.

Develop Active Listening Skills

Humans seem to have a tendency to react to something before we’ve really heard and listened to what’s being said.

We are often formulating our response before the other person has even finished what they are saying.

However, if you really listen to what’s being said, instead of responding too soon, it will give you a better chance of truly understanding what the person is saying – which may be different from what you first thought.

Exercise

If it seems like I talk about the benefits of exercise a lot on this site, then it’s because there are so many of them.

In the case of anger management, then if it’s practical to do so, when you feel anger building up inside you, go and get some exercise – whatever’s appropriate in your current situation.

It may be a brisk walk, a quick jog, a few burpees, or any other physical activity that lets you blow off a bit of steam,

Express Your Anger – After You’ve Calmed Down

Since bottling up any emotion, especially anger, is not healthy, then after you’ve calmed down, you should talk about what it was that made you angry or frustrated, and why, but in a calm, assertive way, rather than being confrontational about it.

Forgiveness

There is no point holding grudges against somebody who has angered you.

There’s a saying that holding grudges is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Holding a grudge only harms you, and it’s also important to remember that forgiving somebody is all about you and not about them. It doesn’t mean you condone whatever the other person said or did – it means you are not going to allow that behaviour to affect you any longer.

Whether you choose to tell the person concerned that you forgive them is up to you.

Maybe the opportunity doesn’t present itself, or maybe you’re happy with just letting go of the anger and resentment you feel, but telling the other person that you forgive them does open up the possibility of discussing what happened and agreeing a way to ensure it doesn’t recur.

Give Yourself A Time-Out

Taking a few short moments throughout the day – just a couple of minutes can be enough – can help you relax and calm down.

This can be especially useful, say, in the office if you know you’re about to go into a meeting that might be stressful. You might also want to use this technique when about to go to a family event where you know some of the people present will wind you up (whether that’s on purpose or not).

Humour

Reducing tension with a bit of light humour (i.e. no sarcasm, which will rarely work in such situations) is a great way to refocus any anger you may feel.

Perform Cognitive Restructuring

According to clinical psychologist Nick Wignall, “Cognitive Restructuring is based on the principle of cognitive mediation which says that how we feel emotionally is not the result of what happens to us, but instead, it’s the result of how we think about what happens to us. This means that we can change the way we feel by changing the way we think about what happens to us.”

So what does this mean in practice, when it comes to managing your anger?

Here are the steps you would take:

1. Calm yourself down.
2. Describe the situation that made you angry.
3. Describe your mood(s), such as angry, frustrated.
4. Identify any automatic thoughts you had to the situation (i.e. the things that first flashed through your mind).
5. Look for any evidence that supports your automatic thoughts.
6. Look for any evidence that contradicts your automatic thoughts.
7. Identify what balanced, fair thoughts would look like.
8. Re-check your mood, now that you’ve thought more clearly about the situation.

The above is only a brief summary of what is a somewhat advanced anger management technique, which comes from Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

And as you can see, it’s better suited to situations where you have the time and opportunity to consider what happened after the event.

While an abbreviated version of cognitive restructuring can be used in the heat of the moment, it will require some experience in using it, and an ability to step back from your anger almost immediately so you can apply the various steps.

Practise Relaxation Techniques

There are many things you could do, on a daily basis, to help you become a calmer person, including:

• Art therapy
• Journal writing
• Listening to music
• Meditation and mindfulness
• Tai chi
• Yoga

Ideally, a few minutes every day would be best, but several times a week can help too.

Problem-Solving

Many of the things that make us angry are not one-time deals – they recur.

For example, your partner might be late home for dinner frequently, or there’s always a queue at the bank.

One way to reduce your frustration is to come up with possible solutions to these anger triggers so that you are not only prepared for them mentally, but also ready to do something about them beforehand.

So, in the examples above:

1. Schedule dinner for a little bit later.
2. Carry a book with you whenever you go somewhere where it’s possible you may have to stand in line, then you can do something useful with that time rather than standing there fuming.

Professional Help

Sometimes, there is only so much you can do by yourself, so you need to recognize when you are not coping or are being overwhelmed, and consider seeking the help of a professional anger management therapist.

Sports

There a few sports and physical activities you can take up that are great for letting off steam, such as boxing, many martial arts, and weight training.

Talking To Friends

You may not feel ready to consult a professional, but talking about your anger issues to close friends you can trust is another way you can help prevent a build-up that may explode without warning.

Try Not To Criticize

There is a temptation when you are angry to blame the other person and make accusatory remarks, such as “You didn’t do…” or “You’re always late home”.

One way to diffuse such situations is to turn the statements around, and talk (in a calm, even way, of course), about how these things make you feel. For example, using the examples above:

1. “I’m upset that I was left to do…”
2. “It makes me feel like I’m wasting my time getting dinner ready and then have it go cold.”

Verbalization

Recognizing and accepting that you are angry (or about to become angry), by saying, either to yourself or even out loud, “I am angry” is another way to diffuse your feelings.

Becoming angry and frustrated is normal – you just need to find a way to let go of that anger before you hurt anybody (including yourself, of course).

Walk Away

This is obviously not always going to be an option, but sometimes the best thing you can do is to walk away from the situation that is making you angry.

Conclusion

Some of these tips may not be that helpful in the heat of the moment, of course, but the key is to focus on what you can learn for the future, and that’s where some of the other tactics will come in handy.

And if in doubt, you can always fall back on the good old Count To Ten method!

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Active Listening Course
2. Find An Anger Management Therapist (US Only)
3. Just Listen
4. Cognitive Restructuring Therapy