12 Ways To Help A Loved One Who Suffers From An Eating Disorder

If you have a family member or friend who suffers from an eating disorder, you may want to help them, but not know how.

This guide details a few ways you can be there for your loved one or friend – as well as listing a few things you should definitely not do or say to them.

Accept That Recovery Can Take Time

When it comes to any type of mental health problem, recovery is not a nice, steady straight line.

There will be good periods and bad periods, there may be times when you don’t seem to make any progress at all (which can be depressing), and times when you appear to move forward in leaps and bounds (which can be dangerous because you may think you’ve been cured already).

There is no schedule for recovery – each person is different, hopefully with a treatment plan that is unique to them and their needs – so when helping a friend, you need to work at their pace.

Try not to let them move too fast, and be supportive when they seem to be flagging.

And remember too that total recovery, to the point where they are not only better and no longer suffering from eating disorders, but also able to freely discuss how they used to be without feeling guilt or shame or embarrassment, can take years – as long as 15 in some cases.

Be There For Them

People with mental health disorders can feel very isolated, either because there is an undoubted stigma attached to most mental health problems, so they are afraid of the reaction they will get, or because they may not know anybody else who has the same problem, so they cannot easily share how they feel.

You may not know exactly what help they need, and nor may they, but just being there for them can be beneficial.

This can mean sitting with them, listening to what they tell you, not being judgemental, and, of course, not sharing their secrets with anybody else.

Don’t Be Afraid To Set Boundaries

We all occasionally say things we don’t really mean, and this applies to people with eating disorders too. (Remember, an eating disorder is not just a one-off case of overeating, for example – it’s a mental health disease that affects their brain.)

So, firstly, and I know this is hard, try not to respond like for like – if your friend says something hurtful to you, try to absorb it. Giving as good as you get may not only cause a setback in whatever progress your friend may be making, but it can ruin a good friendship.

You need to set boundaries, then, about what behaviour is or is not acceptable.

For you, you have to look after your own health (both mental and physical) as well. You may need to tell your friend that you do have your own life and responsibilities (e.g. family, a job), and that sometimes you will have to say “no” to what they want.

I know this seems at odds with the recommendation that you be there for your friend, but all I am saying here is that there need to be boundaries – for both your sakes.

And, of course, this works both ways.

For example, your friend with an eating disorder may request that certain topics should not be discussed in their presence.

And lastly, you may need to make a pact, between the two of you, that you will not play tit-for-tat with comments that may come over as hurtful.

Don’t Jump In Too Soon

While I accept you may be concerned about your friend and want to do everything you can to help them, you need to pick the right time to become involved.

If you do this too soon, you run the risk of destroying your relationship, with the result that they will not feel able to confide in you when they really need to.

And yes, deciding when it’s time to raise the subject with them can be tricky – and only you can do this, based on what you know about your friend or family member.

Help Them Express How They Feel

This doesn’t only mean you should encourage them to talk about their feelings.

Any form of expression can help them, so this would include, for example:

• art
• music
• screaming and shouting
• sports (especially those where you can easily release pent-up emotions)
• writing (e.g. poetry, haiku, short stories, or just stream of consciousness outpourings)

I, Not You

Telling somebody that you suspect has an eating disorder something like “You’ve been losing weight” or “You seem to be unable to control yourself” can come over as very judgemental and aggressive, and this won’t be helpful.

Instead, try something like “I’m worried about you”, which is non-judgemental, kinder, and shows you care and want to help.

Invite Them To Join You In Therapeutic Activities

There are many activities that are proven to improve mental and/or physical health, so why not ask your friend to join you in whatever activity you and they think may help. For example:

• journalling
• meditation
• mindfulness
• tai chi
• walks (e.g. in the park, woods, riverbank, seaside)
• yoga

Keep Mealtimes Stress-Free

Not surprisingly, mealtimes (e.g. with family) can be very stressful for people with eating disorders.

Remember that one of the common treatments for people with such problems is having a defined meal plan (e.g. what you can and cannot eat, and when), so while you should avoid saying things that you know will provoke them (e.g. “why aren’t you eating anything?”), you still need to be firm when it comes to sticking to their plan.

Learn About Their Eating Disorder And Its Warning Signs

Even though many people have heard of the common eating disorders, such as anorexia, binge eating, and bulimia, you may not know what signs you should look out for.

This guide lists most of the eating disorders you may encounter, and once you’ve become familiar with whatever your friend is suffering from (if they themselves know, of course – they may just tell you they have a problem with their body image), you can then dig deeper to learn more.

But the more you know, the better you will be able to help them, especially if they are not yet being treated for their problem.

Recommend Treatment

This one may be tricky, because some people are extremely averse to the idea of any type of treatment or therapy. (I was, for a long time, when I was depressed, until I was put in a position where I didn’t really have any choice in the matter.)

However, since eating disorders are a form of mental health problem, it’s not enough that they try to stop whatever eating habit they have – they need to get to the root cause, to reduce the likelihood of a recurrence.

Treatments can include:

• medical (e.g. addressing any immediate physical issues)
• nutritional counselling (e.g. creating an appropriate meal / diet plan)
• therapy (e.g. to help get to the root cause, to provide education about dealing with negative thoughts and emotions)

For example, you could:

• offer to help them research the best person or place to go
• take them there and back
• go with them (for their first few appointments, at least)
• offer to meet up afterwards for a coffee so they can talk about it, if they want

But the key point is to get them to accept that they need professional help, over and above what you can provide as a friend.

Take Them Seriously

Nobody who is suffering from any problem or disease wants to be dismissed, as though they’re either making it all up, or it’s not so bad (e.g. because everybody has those problems).

This attitude comes about because people in general do not really understand what it’s like to suffer from, in particular, mental health problems. This goes for depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and, of course, eating disorders.

So if somebody has the courage to tell you they have an eating disorder – and I use the word “courage” here because most people with eating disorders (and mental health problems in general) tend to be very secretive about them, partly because of shame and guilt, and partly because they are fully aware of the stigma that goes with them – and they trust you enough to open up to you, the very least you can do is to take what they say seriously.

Not only can writing them off as either a nutjob or a whiner make their problem worse, eating disorders, if left untreated, can be dangerous too.

Try To Raise Their Self-Esteem

What can be helpful is to tell your friend that they are loved, that you enjoy their company, that they are respected, and to try to focus on other positive aspects of their personality.

And Lastly, The List Of Don’ts

There are a number of things you should definitely not say to anybody suffering from an eating disorder:

• Do you realize how difficult your problem is for me to deal with?
• I feel fat today.
• I should go on a diet.
• I want to lose weight too, so how did you manage it?
• I’m glad you’ve eaten something at last!
• Is that something you should be eating?
• Men like a woman with some meat on.
• Shouldn’t you be over this by now?
• Why don’t you eat more healthily?
• Why don’t you exercise?
• Why don’t you go on a diet?
• You don’t look sick.
• You look sick / unhealthy.

Many of the above statement or questions are offensive, dismissive, belittling, judgemental, or they may make the sufferer feel worse (e.g. by making them feel guilty).

This list also reinforces the fact that you should not talk about your own body (or those of others) in a negative way while in their presence.

Also, do not try to play any tricks on them to get them to eat. For example, this means none of the following:

• arguing
• begging
• bargaining
• guilt-tripping
• manipulation
• shaming
• threats

Conclusion

Trying to help somebody with any type of mental health problem can be a challenge.

There will be times when you feel like giving up on them, when you feel frustrated, when they hurt you with things they probably didn’t mean to say, when you start to feel ill yourself – but if the person is somebody who is close to you and means a lot, then for their sake, please try to continue to be there for them.

I hope this guide has given you a few tactics you can adopt to help both you and your friend.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Find A Counsellor (USA Only)