12 Tips For Dealing With Sexual Performance Anxiety

Sex is an important part of intimate relationships.

Humans were literally created to procreate so it is not a surprise that we have sexual needs and interests.

Maintenance of sexual relationships, however, can be difficult because we engage in long-term relationships and over time things become a bit stale unless we are committed to keeping them exciting.

Often times this is a normal stage in which people have sexual performance anxiety, because they wonder if their partner will still be interested or attracted to them.

Additionally, some people simply experience sexual performance anxiety as a baseline, regardless of whether the relationship is new or old.

Both situations are valid and it is okay if you are nervous.

Anxiety, at its definition, means that fear is present. In this sense, during sexual performance anxiety, there is a fear of not being good enough for one’s partner.

This thought is usually catastrophized, meaning it is made much more dramatic internally than the situation calls for.

This fear and catastrophizing makes it really difficult to engage in intimate behavior if anxiety persists. That is why today I am offering twelve tips for dealing with the anxiety of performing sexually.

Try Not To Worry Too Much If You Did Not Perform To Your Partner’s Standard Once

We are not perfect nor can we be expected to be. It is okay if you did not meet your partner’s “standard” sexually once or twice.

Please do not let that become the reason you have significant anxiety moving forward with them. We all have off days.

Dust yourself off and literally get back in the saddle. Try again – it will probably go better the next time.

Talk To Your Partner

There is nothing more important than communication in a relationship, especially an intimate one.

So talk with your partner about your anxiety. Let them know what you need to feel supported during this anxiety.

If they are committed and they care, they will work with you to make sure that you feel more comfortable moving forward.

And if they do not work with you, that’s a sign that maybe it is not the best choice for a relationship.

Try Something New

Sometimes the answer to performing well in the bedroom, and thus reducing sexual performance anxiety, is to try something new.

If it has been a while since you explored a new move or position or foreplay, it may be worth exploring a new strategy.

See how it feels. Does it hurt or help your anxiety?

Listen To Your Body

You will know what triggers your sexual performance anxiety.

If there is a specific thing that prompts additional anxiety for you in the bedroom, it may be worth exploring more.

Dive into it a bit. Why does that thing give you such anxiety? What do you need to reduce the anxiety?

Typically when you look for answers, you will find them. You just have to be willing to explore.

You May Be Too Worried About Having Or Giving An Orgasm

You might be thinking too much of the end game with your partner.

It may be helpful to simply slow down and enjoy the process and the journey.

If you are stressing so much about giving your partner an orgasm, you might miss subtle tips and communications that they send your way because you are up in your head too much.

Take Some Time Off

It may be helpful to simply take some time off from sex and reconnect with your partner.

Have a few date nights and cuddle sessions without the fear of it leading to bad sex. Simply stop thinking about sex with your partner for a week or two.

See if this helps you to feel less anxious about it on a day-to-day basis.

You might then have sex the next time and be really excited because it has been a while – and the excitement may take away any anxiety you may feel about your performance.

However helpful it may be to refrain from sex for a few days, be sure to clue your partner in that you are planning to do this so they do not wonder why you are not having sex for those days.

There is nothing worse than you trying to reduce your anxiety while your partner is thinking you aren’t attracted to them because you are not initiating sex.

Start Having Sex More

If taking time off isn’t the right step for you, you might try having sex more often to see if more exposure reduces your anxiety.

It may be helpful to you to simply have a lot of sex and see if the anxiety lessens over time. Much like any other fear, consistent exposure to the stimuli causing anxiety will reduce the anxiety.

It might also be helpful to explain to your partner why you are initiating sex far more often than what is typical for you in this situation. Remember, communication makes all the difference.

Talk It Out With A Close Friend

Talking through this with a close friend may be the answer that you need – although I would still recommend trying to discuss your anxiety with your partner first.

They will probably validate for you that almost all people have this kind of anxiety at one point or another.

They might even tell you what was helpful for them in overcoming it so you have a starting place to try new things as well in trying to lessen the anxiety.

Go See Your Therapist

It could be that the underlying root of your performance anxiety isn’t actually related to sex at all.

Maybe there is something else going on that needs some unravelling in your relationship. For example, are you still attracted to your partner? Or are you worried that your partner is no longer attracted to you?

Maybe there is something with yourself and your past that needs addressing before you can be fully present in this relationship sexually.

These are the sort of things that a counselor could help you to figure out.

Say A Mantra To Yourself

Remind yourself that you are good in bed. You are worthy. You will have an orgasm.

Whatever mantra is helpful to you in reducing your anxiety is what you should repeat for yourself.

Practise saying different things to yourself that feel good and see if it makes a difference in your anxiety. Something will likely help.

This is the kind of strategy that professional athletes use and have great success with when they are struggling to perform.

Appreciate Whatever You Enjoy, Even If You Do Not Have An Orgasm

You cannot tell me that sex is only good if you climax. We know this isn’t true.

You could therefore try taking a different approach and just enjoy whatever pleasure you can without having an orgasm or focusing on an orgasm.

Chances are if you practise being present and just enjoy what you can, it might even make it easier to perform better.

See A Sex Therapist

There are literally counselors who do nothing but work with couples on how to have healthier sex lives.

If you are unable to work through your sexual performance anxiety with your partner or have done all of the above things and still are struggling, you might consider seeing a professional and getting some help.

Conclusion

So, if you experience anxiety about your sexual performance, I feel confident that you will your solution in one or more of the above tips.

Additional Resources

These are suggestions for those who wish to delve deeper into any of the above:

1. Ultimate Sexual Health & Performance